Now for an update. Had a "normal" weekend. Went to her mother's Saturday-2 1/2 hours away. Went to baseball game on Sunday. No arguments-but then again no emotional connections either. She is still distant with basically no affection showing. It seems as though she regrets the times that we would normally hug or kiss such as when one of us is leaving and she seems uncomfortable. I don't know where things got so bad. I guess it just is going to take time. I am having such a hard time being patient. It bothers me so much that we are at the point we are at right now. I have begun to obsess about our situation now. I don't know if it is a healthy obsession-as in I will do anything that needs to be done to make this work- or an unhealthy obsession-as in I cannot think of anything else and it is beginning to take over my life. I never have been the insecure person but hearing those words uttered by the one person that you truly love and care so much for has really done a number on me. I do not allow her to see me when I am down. If I find myself crashing when she around I just get up and move away from her. The only noticeable thing that she can see is that I have turned to God big time right now. I say that she can notice because I am reading in the Bible and praying alot more than I had in the past.
The other thing that I find frustrating is that although we are still living together, it is as if we are not based upon our different work schedules. She works second shift and often does not get home until about 1:00 am. There is absolutely no time during the week for us to spend any real quality time together. It is really difficult to try and build something back up when there is minimal time in order to do so. I don't understand where she is coming from at times-I don't let her know that, as I am busy validating her- but we go along okay for some time and then all of a sudden, out of the blue she tells me that she needs some space and she goes and stays at her friend's house. I wonder if there is another man, and I think that there probaly is. That is why she has been so slow to come back around. That would also explain the complete cessation of any intimacy. I know in the long run it does not matter and she is going to do whatever she wants, but it just seems that having someone else in the picture is going to make this so much harder to "fix".
On a positive note, she has not mentioned separation since last Sunday, 6/10. She also told me ILY yesterday. I have noticed a pattern with that recently. On Mondays, after spending the weekend together, she is less cold and often tells me ILY. Then another 5 days of being basically apart and we are back to cold again. I wonder if Michelle's article about spending time together is right on point here. I truly believe that the biggest reason for us growing apart is the fact that we do spend so little time together.
Anyway, thanks again for the support and I hope that things start to turn around for you guys.
Oh and I almost forgot, she started talking about her family reunion coming in September and how we have to start making plans for the flight etc. Thought it was a good sign that I was included as she had stopped talking about our future together for some time.
Things are just the same as usual. Cannot figure out her for the life of me. I thought things were going along pretty good but I get home last night and see that she is not wearing her ring as it was left on the counter... again. In the past, I would have confronted her about that when she got home after work, but I am trying to work on my 180s so I did not even mention it. I wonder if she even cares that it is so hurtful. Also, she used to write a lot (especially when her father left her mother for another woman about 6 years ago) when she was feeling down and I saw that she wrote a long letter, and no I was not snooping, it was laying on the floor on her side of the bed in plain sight... which makes me wonder if she left it there for me to read, basically saying that she needs to get away and she doesn't understand what she is feeling now but thinks deep down in her heart that she has to leave me. She is worried that she is making a mistake but truly feels that it is the only way that she is going to be happy. She says that I don't take her unhappiness seriously... I cannot even fathom how she can say that. I have completely quit drinking (2 1/2 months and it not not hard for me because I don't have an issue with drinking but I wanted to address and validate her concerns) and don't contact her at all on the phone-two of the things she said that bothered her so much the past several months. She says that maybe after a couple of months of separation she will miss me and decide that being with me is what she is supposed to do, but I don't think that a separation is going to help us. And like I said before, I am afraid that she is going to use the separation as a means to forget about our marriage since she is already doing so by not wearing her ring.
I also have a sneaking suspicion that she is doing some things to try and force me into telling her that I can't take it anymore and that she has to leave. For instance, today, we don't get to see eachother during the week, so we typically use my lunch time to spend some time together. Today, she calls me right before I would typically be on my way home for lunch and tells me that she is going to pick up male coworker so that they can have lunch together. This is the same male coworker that she is going to spend the next 9 hours with at the Hospital. But typically in the past, I would have said something about that time being needed to be spent together... you are going to be spending the whole night with this guy... etc... But once again practicing my 180 I simply said okay sounds good, hope you have fun. It took almost all I could muster after the day I had yesterday to not blow up at her, but I don't want to have to make up for another backslide so I let it slide. She also tells me that she joined a gym so that she can work out after work-mind you she gets off work at midnight- and she is joining under the same male co-worker's membership that she went to lunch with today. Now she won't be getting home nightly until after 2:00am.
It pains me so much that she has become so manipulative, sneaky and hurtful. Do you think that she is doing all this stuff on purpose to try and "break" me? I never would have thought that she would be so thoughtless when it comes to my emotions.
have begun to obsess about our situation now. I don't know if it is a healthy obsession-as in I will do anything that needs to be done to make this work- or an unhealthy obsession-as in I cannot think of anything else and it is beginning to take over my life.
One thing you must do is NOT obsess over your sitch, I know it's hard but in the end you'll drive yourself crazy, I know this because it's what I did the first time in my sitch and it's what I'm NOT doing this time, except for getting on this website for advice and consolation I try not to think about it and if I start thinking about it I'll do something to take my mind off of it, like going to the mall or somewhere where there are a lot of people.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
I feel like things are not getting any better. I don't feel like they are getting worse, but I don't know for sure how things could get much worse as far as emotional connection goes.
I have been struggling with going ahead and sanctioning the separation for her to get time and space. I still have the same reservations-about her wanting space to "forget" the marriage rather that "fix" it.
What advice do you guys have? I am so afraid that if she goes that may be the end of us.
Stewart, Keep taking care of yourself, I know how hard this whole thing is. I'm not sure she needs or wants sanctioning. I know that if you actively try to talk her out of it, it will definitely happen. It does feel better to actually be doing something and it feels like we have at least some control when we are making decisions like telling them to go ahead and leave. The reality is we don't have any control over any of this, and that is what makes it so so hard to get a handle on. Remember nothing you do will shorten the length of time this goes on, but there is plenty you can do that will prolong it. You're a good guy Stewart, I appreciate all your kind words on my thread, and I'm really rooting for you.
Just unsure of what course to take right now. I am at a loss for what direction to go in. My mind is telling me that I should sit her down and tell her that I understand the feelings that she is having, and that I understand that she needs some space and time away and that I am willing to do anything that she needs so that she can make herself happy again. But my heart is telling me that there is no way in he!l that I am going to be able to handle a separation.
I have been fighting every day and using all of my strength and energy to try and "act as if" and GAL, but it does not seem to be having any affect at all on her. She doesn't seem to care about anything that I do or do not do. I know that my impatience is getting to me right now, but deep down I know that I love this woman more than life itself and I am having such a hard time letting go and detaching. I have spent everyday with her for the last ten plus years. Almost everything that I see/hear/smell every day reminds me of her and the good times we have had together that are honestly not that far back in time. She has always been there for me as I have for her and whenever things were tough for one reason or another, we would lean on eachother for support. Now, I am facing the toughest situation in my life right now and my usual support is nowhere to be found. And no matter what happened in life, I always knew that things would be okay because I had the most wonderful, loving and caring woman in the world who I was lucky enough to have in my life, and now that seems like it is going right out the window and the hurt that comes from it is indescribable.
God, I am depressing myself right now, and I apologize for the downtrodden message. Just trying to get my feelings out there since I cannot talk to the person that I would normally confess my feelings to.
Stewart, You are going through completely normal ponderances right now. If she wants space, give it to her. This is tough as He!!. As far as changes, they will take time for W to notice. Mine took about 3-4 months before she started to acknowledge them. Remember, they know you inside and out and are convinced you cannot change. A wise DB'er once advised me to start focusing on the positives in my sitch, it helps establish the right mindset. Try writing a journal about the days events and your feelings. And then a half hour later go back adn do it again focusing on the positives through this same time period. See which one makes you feel better, which one is harder to write. This little excercise should help to get you in the right mindset. Remember go into this with a beginners mind. Do what works and scrap the stuff that doesn't. Keep up with the changes, you need to be doing these for yourself, not W.
