Getting started

[Nomopo]

WAW1978:

I'm glad you found our little family and hope you decide to stay! Although you are in the minority here as a WAS, I hope you feel welcomed and appreciated because we like to help others and we would love you to help us too. I also want you to know that I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I understand that you have been hurting for a long time.

I would like to respond to some of the things you posted and, if you don't mind, to ask some questions.

I have been repeatedly telling my DH that I was unhappy and he just didn’t want to hear it. Over two years of this.

If it makes you feel any better, this is not all that uncommon. I'm sure most of the LBSs on here would agree that we didn't hear what our WASs were telling us for a long time. In my case, my W says (and I believe her, now!) that she tried to tell me for 1 - 2 years how unhappy she was. And each time, I became defensive, and tried to explain to her how I hadn't meant it like she had taken it and, worse, that she shouldn't feel that way, but rather should not be so sensitive and should give me the benefit of the doubt! After she dropped the bomb on me on 5-8-05, telling me how unhappy she was and that she didn't know if she loved me any more and that we needed to seek MC, we floundered around for six months before starting MC sessions. Then, it only took 15 months! of therapy for the light to finally go off in my head, and for me to finally understand how unhappy she was and why. I tell you this because I hope it gives you some comfort that your H is not uniquely or particularly defective.

So I emotionally divorced him since I could see no hope in the situation.

This is what we LBSs have to come to grips with. That you shut down, and put up walls to protect yourself from getting hurt further. From our side, it is very hard to understand, but eventually we all seem to get it. That is what your H still doesn't get. I think he can get it if he tries and you give him the chance.

I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I am so unhappy and he continues to tell me that there was nothing wrong.

I know, I know, and I am so sorry for you. We all talk about the pain our WASs must feel, but it hard to understand. It helps us so much to have you here to help us learn even more what it really means, so thanks again for sharing with us. You also must realize that ultimately you control your own happiness (and that means with or without H). Actually, this is very empoewering when you think about it. You own your emotions, and you have the power to fix them yourself; nobody else is responsible for your happiness.

I began to doubt my sanity. If he says there is nothing wrong I must be imagining that there is.

Well, you're not insane. Around here you will hear us refer to our WAS's behavior as alien, because it is so foreign to us. That may be an unfortunate term, but it may help you to see how far apart our realities are. Your H is in the dark right now, but there is hope. He will see. Sooner rather than later I hope. And, I suspect the true reality lies in the middle. Again, know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

I just need to get away from him to sort out my feelings. I have grown resentful of him. I find him completely annoying and dislike him.

My W has said all of this and worse to me. I've called it alien spew, but I understand that those feeling are real for you and my W. That is very scary and painful for us too. I would like to suggest to you that feelings can change. It may not seem possible, and it will certainly not happen overnight, but I do believe they can change. Do you remember how you felt when you were married, perhaps on your honeymoon? My guess is you were so happy and in love that if I had told you them you would feel so negatively about your H now, you would never have believed it. You positive feelings were so strong they clouded you view of what was possible. Now, your negative feelings are so strong they may also be clouding your view of what is possible - the possibility that feelings can change and that you can feel lovingly towards your H. You don't have to believe it can or will happen yet, but please try to leave a little room for that possibility in your mind.

I knew I needed to do something before this turned to hate. I again present this to him and tell him that I need to leave and I need space.

Please take a moment to acknowledge what you did here. It was fantastic, and we all commend you. You are a very strong person, and you stepped up for your M and your values. In a (big) way, you are fighting for your M, though it may not feel exactly like that.

Now he is trying to get me to stay and smothering me. He is backtracking.

He is doing what we all did before we discovered the DB/DR books and this site. He is making mistakes, but hopefully will get on track with the MC. I sure wish I could talk to him or give him the DR book to read.

We agreed I would stay at my parents for a while so I can work on not being annoyed by him. Now he doesn’t think this is a good idea. He thinks I should stay and we should go to MC immediately. I need suggestions on how to proceed.

As others have said, you need to get your space. If possible, try to convey this need lovingly - but it will be hard because emotions are high. I urge you to get a solutions-based, goal-oriented therapist. In the DR book, there is a detailed section on how to find one. There is a condensed version in the "articles" on the home page of this site. Let me know if you need a link.

I don’t think I can work on a marriage with a man that I find annoying and don’t like (possibly starting to hate). I don’t think at this point that there is anything he can do because I am not receptive and forcing me to remain around him all the time isn’t going change how I feel. Please help.

You can work on it, but it will take a long time, a lot of hard work and patience. You may need space and a break first. Remember, feelings can change. When you do start, you need goal-oriented, solutions-based help so you see progress. Progress will keep you going. Eventually, when things are better, you two will be able to nurture loving feelings again.

If you are comfortable telling us, what city do you live in? We might be able to help recommend a therapist.

Finally, as noted above, there are two people in a M/R. It takes two of them to screw it up. Spend some time when you are ready asking yourself "What did I do wrong? What was my role in getting us to this point."

I admire and respect you for being here. My WAW wouldn't do it. I don't think she thinks she has done anything to contribute to this mess. I think she feels like a victim only. Thoughts?

Two more questions if I may:

1. Have you lost physical attraction for your H, or at least told him so? If the latter, is it true? Do you have any hope of those feelings coming back? Do you believe it is possible?

2. Do you or have you said things to your H to push him away, perhaps to make him give up on the M, or to test his commitment? If so, are those things you said true or just a test? In other words, do you say things that aren't really how you feel just to make sure he doesn't get false hope or get the wrong idea or to get space? For example, have you told him "it's over, and there is no hope or chance of reconciliation" when you know there is a small doubt in your mind about D? Or do you do it without even knowing why?

Thanks again for being here. I hope and believe that you will find support here as you make your way through all of this, regardless of the outcome. These are good people, and we all understand how difficult it can be on anyone going through severe marital problems. Personally, I wish you and your H as much happiness as possible. Please keep posting.

Sincerely,
Nomopo

PS - if you have any comments on my sitch, please feel free to share.