Just got back from lunch. It was so great to see the kids. And it was just nice to feel "normal." My BIL is the type of guy that can talk for hours and about anything so I didn't feel like there was an elephant in the room the whole time but rather that it was just Dana and her BIL and her nieces hanging out and all was right with the world. It feels good to know that I will be able to continue to have a relationship with my extended family even if they are no longer my legal family someday and that will happen because I want it to because I care about them and because they want it to because they care about me and want me in their children's lives. Obviously the whole family doesn't feel that way (haven't spoken to H's brother in months) but to know that the nieces and nephews and I have a shot at a good relationship in the future is really nice. I feel good about that and know it is for the right reasons.
Having an interesting day in my head. I think I'm realizing the following, I couldn't let go of my marriage until I knew it was dead. We talk about lovingly detaching on here etc. and I don't think I was truly capable of that until now. Now, knowing it is over, I have this sense of calm, of freedom, of liberation to know I am not responsible for his happiness (which rationally I knew I shouldn't and couldn't be yet I felt I was) and really truly knowing in my gut that I can't control the outcome because it isn't in my control to fix and I can't fix his pain for him. For so long, everything I did felt like it was under a microscope and every move I made, every phone call, every text, every visit, every email, every action and reaction felt like they were all so important to getting my husband back or not. I have to tell you that I feel relief and freedom now in knowing that I'm acting and reacting for me and not because I'm wondering how he'll react or what he needs or wants or if it will get him to come home or not. I don't think I was capable of truly letting go until I knew for sure that he wasn't coming back. I don't know if that is about me and a flaw in myself or just because I cared too much and wanted it too badly, but I really get now that even though I have changed, and even though I know what I did wrong in the marriage and have really looked at that and I'm working on those imperfections, that regardless, it wouldn't be enough for him right now because it is too late for him to be open to my love (at least at this time), that he isn't healed yet and doesn't know how or when he will be, or something. And really, even though that makes me sad, I can't control that or change it and I therefore am accepting it and knowing that I am great, I do have flaws, I did make mistakes, but I am improving myself, I will never be perfect, and someone someday will truly love me despite my imperfections and will want to build something great with me that is lasting.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
