NikkiB #17

[NikB]

Oldtimer - thanks for posting. I hadn't heard of that book - thanks for the recommendation. I have a whole stack of books that I still haven't gotten to reading, but will add that one to my reading list.

The positive reinforcement is similar in both cases... but here's an example. Of course not word for word, but close to some conversations we've had.

H mows the yard and I notice it (and I'm also working on taking better notice of extras he does, like pruning, edging).

On a good mood day: (in fact this happened yesterday)
Me: Wow babe the yard looks great!
H: Thanks (happy tone, maybe a hug)
Me: And you edged too, and the bushes look great - that was a lot of work. You're good! Thanks for doing all that.
H: Sure! (again, happy tone, maybe a hug, sometimes showing me other work he did around the house or yard)

On a bad mood day:
Me: Wow babe the yard looks great!
H: Yeah (flat tone)
Me: And you edged too, and the bushes look great - that was a lot of work. You're good! Thanks for doing all that.
H: I'm not good. You shouldn't say that.

... and at that point I get kind of stuck. Old me jumped into "Yes you are, what are you talking about, what's wrong?" I don't do that anymore, but I am still struggling to find a good way to respond. If I validate his bad mood he seems to get into a worse mood - but maybe I'm not doing it right? If I leave or go do something else I feel like I'm ignoring his emotions again. What usually happens is:

Me: You seem kind of down.
H: Yeah. (sometimes followed up with "life sucks and then you die" type comments - those times he seems to like having me nearby but doesn't usually say more; other times I just get a glare, those times he seems to not want me around)

... and again, I don't know what to do. I do sometimes end up trying to "fix" things (maybe?) by saying something like "Anything I can do?" More often than not it ends up with H staring at the floor and me rubbing his back (if he seems to want that), or him going out to the garage (I don't follow anymore), or sometimes I'll say something like "Sorry you're having a bad day" and then go and do something else.