Getting started

[waw1978]

I am new to this. I was on the verge of being a WAW when I found this site. I have been repeatedly telling my DH that I was unhappy and he just didn’t want to hear it. Over two years of this. I asked for MC many times and he refused. So I emotionally divorced him since I could see no hope in the situation. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I am so unhappy and he continues to tell me that there was nothing wrong. I began to doubt my sanity. If he says there is nothing wrong I must be imagining that there is. A year and half of IC for me and I finally decided that I am not asking him for MC anymore. I just need to get away from him to sort out my feelings. I have grown resentful of him. I find him completely annoying and dislike him. I knew I needed to do something before this turned to hate. I again present this to him and tell him that I need to leave and I need space. Now he is trying to get me to stay and smothering me. He is backtracking. We agreed I would stay at my parents for a while so I can work on not being annoyed by him. Now he doesn’t think this is a good idea. He thinks I should stay and we should go to MC immediately. I need suggestions on how to proceed. I don’t think I can work on a marriage with a man that I find annoying and don’t like (possibly starting to hate). I don’t think at this point that there is anything he can do because I am not receptive and forcing me to remain around him all the time isn’t going change how I feel. Please help.

[SunnySeason]

Hi 78',

I was a WAW at one time years ago. Presently I'm a LBS, so have a feel for both sides.

Coming to this site shows a lot about you. It shows that despite all the years of your H showing a deaf ear, waiting until you're running on empty & then handling it the way almost all of us initially did w/pursuing until you're totally annoyed, you think enough to investigate B/F throwing in the towel.

It also shows how much you care about your DD(4).

Please don't go anywhere before you read some of the posts here. You'll find many central themes & excellent resources to give you a basis for your ultimate path.

Looking forward to hearing more from you....

Best,

Sunny

[galing]

Hi WAW,

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but glad you are reaching out for help and support. Good for you! I think that takes a lot of courage and resolve and faith. I think it says something that rather than walk away from your marriage, you have asked your H for space, you are reflecting upon what you need to rebuild your marriage, and how you could go about that.

I have a few thoughts:
1) If you need space, you need space. You need to ask for it in a loving way and do what you need. Your H will or may feel abandoned (I did) so there really has to be a communication about this and a way to ease the blow. Although you are incredibly annoyed by him right now, please find a way to tell him that this doesn't mean your marriage is over, but in fact you want to work on it. He needs reassurance but he also needs this wake up call.
2) Be careful regarding your own anger. I know for me, my needs weren't met in my marriage early on. By the time they were (I now realize), I was no longer open to receiving them. I was too bitter, too anger, and I didn't live in the moment and appreciate what I had and love my husband back for the love he was giving me. I wondered "why now?" My husband now has done the same in many respects and isn't open to accepting my love for him and therefore loving back because he is now saying "why now?" The why now answer is pretty easy to answer -- he woke up and realizes he could lose you and he loves you and wants to make it work. But you have to then be open to receiving that love and giving it back. Be careful to ensure you are. If he wants to go to MC now, you have wanted that for a long time. You could choose to not go now because you feel it is too little, too late, or you could accept it, regardless of the timing, and work on your marriage and let the past go. Live in the here and now.
3) Read some books if you haven't already, during your time of space. Some good reads:
Divorce Busting
The 5 Love Languages
His Needs Her Needs
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
Passionate Marriage
Love and Respect
4) Use this time to truly focus on you and improving you and your outlook on life and your personal goals. Work on trying to find a way to realize what your husband's needs are, how you can best meet them, and what your needs are and how you can communicate them. Regardless of where you are at, almost always, the marriage is failing because of both parties not meeting each other's needs and you have to take a hard look at yourself and your own character and figure out how to improve as a wife to ask for what you need and get what you need and meet his needs better. Keep faithful to your marriage during this time. Adding anyone else to the picture will complicate things and dig a hole that you may never be able to get out of. I know for my own spouse, I think that was the case. It hurt him more than anyone else. He lost his self respect and feels broken.

Keep posting.
Dana

[Gone Dancin']

WAW,

galing gives some great advice and provides some excellent insight here. I agree that, as difficult as it may be, try to lovingly explain to your H that you want to make your M work, but you need to have space right now if this is to happen. Let him know that this is a need that you really need him to meet right now, and try to reassure him that this M is what you want, but can't make it work under the present conditions.

Keep us updated on how you're doing, what you're doing, and where you're headed. We are here to listen and support you.

(((WAW)))

GD

[stillme]

If you have not already found it, this is another DB forum that's more specific to your sitch (Tho, of COURSE!, you can stay in Newcomers as well. We [as LBS - Left Behind Spouses] can offer you some great insight & support 'from the other side' of your coin as well.

DB: Help, I'm Thinking of Leaving: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=66&page=1

Good luck, and I'm glad you're here. j

[BirdDog]

Welcome,

I find it interesting to hear from the other side. The things you are saying and going through sound like my W. A couple of years ago she asked for a S, I begged and pleaded and convinced her to stay. The changes I made were only temporary and now I am at the point I am now. Unfortunately I see the sitch in a completely different light now. As a friend who is also a marriage counsler, describes my awakening as an epiphany. I am much more motivated to examine myself and change the things that have been wrong in the M. I will continue to work on those things. Because of the past broken promises to change she is not as willing to work with those changes. I also see it as a 2 way street, things I have done wrong and she has done as well. Before I was only willing to say the problems are things because of her, and she needs to work on them. But now I see it as I can only work on the things I need to change.

I guess you are at the point, as is my W., where you want to know if the promised changes are for real or not?

My W. has asked for the time and space, and I have found it very difficult to do, although I am improving at that. I think the WAS can be at a different level of detachment from the LBS. The WAS has gone through years of detachment, unseen by the LBS. And now the LBS, is forced to start detaching.

Hope that helps and good luck

[waw1978]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I came to the right place! I do want to work on my marriage and I still want to go to MC and now that DH finally got the msg I am sure that is my next step. Yes, I am angry that it took him this long to open his ears and I could easily go the “too little too late” route but thankfully I am still open to MC and we have an appt set up for this coming weekend.

I do feel strongly about needing my space right now and wish I knew how to make him understand that it’s a stepping stone to healing for me (us), not the death knell on our marriage. I really think this is the only way I can overcome the annoyance and dislike I feel in his presence. Until I can at least feel neutral towards him I am not sure anything he does or changes he makes is going to make a big difference. We didn’t get to this point overnight, it took years. Realistically it will probably take quite a while to recover. DH is a quick fix type of person and I have this looming feeling that he assumes that one or two MC sessions and we are going to be in the clear.

Any wisdom on how I can convince him that having my space right now will be worth while? I can barely stand being around him. I do sacrifice how I feel because we have a DD 4 and I want to spend family time with her regardless of how much I might be annoyed with him.

[Brandon Kirk]

Wow, the sad thing about it is you can see the destruction ready to happen and your husband's death before it has occured. Let me tell you a few things. I am a guy and your husband is not hearing you at all. He is doing whatever it takes to keep you for now. He thinks you are ultra sensitive and deep down he really thinks things are ok. He is listening a little, but dep down he is thinking that this will blow over. Trust me. This is a cookie cut situation with a little variance.
The good (no the great news)! I know your husband loves you so much that he just doesn't realize it. He would cry for months if he lost you. He WILL do everything you ask if he would just f*king wake up!!!! You are the woman of his dreams and he wants to love you so much but sometimes doesn't know how.
What can you do. You need to set him a list of things he MUST do to keep the marriage intact for their to be a chance. Don't tell him that you are thinking about leaving anymore. He will panic and screw up. Give a list of things he MUST do. For example, he must go to marriage counseling, he must clean the whole house once a week, he must spend time with you and the kids, he must make you dinner, you fill in the blanks. DON'T SET A TIME LIMIT. Tell him when he can start doing this things you can start continuing with the marriage. Hold in your anger. Try to pray to have feelings for him again. Remember he is the father of your children. He loves you and the kids. Take things slowly. Emotionally detach from him until he starts doing these things even if it takes months. Don't give up. Try to show respect to him (this is what men desire and want). Women desire love.

[BirdDog]

Any wisdom on how I can convince him that having my space right now will be worth while?

Truth is there is probably nothing you can say. Just as there is nothing he can say to make you change how you are currently feeling.

From what you have written, I would venture to guess, that your H is exactly where I was 2 years ago, when my W asked me for a S. I was desperate and was able to talk her into staying, but now am unable to do it again and now in a worse sitch, than if I had gone along with it 2 years ago and woke up then and worked for permenant changes. The R was much more repairable back then than it is now.

[Nomopo]

WAW1978:

I'm glad you found our little family and hope you decide to stay! Although you are in the minority here as a WAS, I hope you feel welcomed and appreciated because we like to help others and we would love you to help us too. I also want you to know that I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I understand that you have been hurting for a long time.

I would like to respond to some of the things you posted and, if you don't mind, to ask some questions.

I have been repeatedly telling my DH that I was unhappy and he just didn’t want to hear it. Over two years of this.

If it makes you feel any better, this is not all that uncommon. I'm sure most of the LBSs on here would agree that we didn't hear what our WASs were telling us for a long time. In my case, my W says (and I believe her, now!) that she tried to tell me for 1 - 2 years how unhappy she was. And each time, I became defensive, and tried to explain to her how I hadn't meant it like she had taken it and, worse, that she shouldn't feel that way, but rather should not be so sensitive and should give me the benefit of the doubt! After she dropped the bomb on me on 5-8-05, telling me how unhappy she was and that she didn't know if she loved me any more and that we needed to seek MC, we floundered around for six months before starting MC sessions. Then, it only took 15 months! of therapy for the light to finally go off in my head, and for me to finally understand how unhappy she was and why. I tell you this because I hope it gives you some comfort that your H is not uniquely or particularly defective.

So I emotionally divorced him since I could see no hope in the situation.

This is what we LBSs have to come to grips with. That you shut down, and put up walls to protect yourself from getting hurt further. From our side, it is very hard to understand, but eventually we all seem to get it. That is what your H still doesn't get. I think he can get it if he tries and you give him the chance.

I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I am so unhappy and he continues to tell me that there was nothing wrong.

I know, I know, and I am so sorry for you. We all talk about the pain our WASs must feel, but it hard to understand. It helps us so much to have you here to help us learn even more what it really means, so thanks again for sharing with us. You also must realize that ultimately you control your own happiness (and that means with or without H). Actually, this is very empoewering when you think about it. You own your emotions, and you have the power to fix them yourself; nobody else is responsible for your happiness.

I began to doubt my sanity. If he says there is nothing wrong I must be imagining that there is.

Well, you're not insane. Around here you will hear us refer to our WAS's behavior as alien, because it is so foreign to us. That may be an unfortunate term, but it may help you to see how far apart our realities are. Your H is in the dark right now, but there is hope. He will see. Sooner rather than later I hope. And, I suspect the true reality lies in the middle. Again, know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

I just need to get away from him to sort out my feelings. I have grown resentful of him. I find him completely annoying and dislike him.

My W has said all of this and worse to me. I've called it alien spew, but I understand that those feeling are real for you and my W. That is very scary and painful for us too. I would like to suggest to you that feelings can change. It may not seem possible, and it will certainly not happen overnight, but I do believe they can change. Do you remember how you felt when you were married, perhaps on your honeymoon? My guess is you were so happy and in love that if I had told you them you would feel so negatively about your H now, you would never have believed it. You positive feelings were so strong they clouded you view of what was possible. Now, your negative feelings are so strong they may also be clouding your view of what is possible - the possibility that feelings can change and that you can feel lovingly towards your H. You don't have to believe it can or will happen yet, but please try to leave a little room for that possibility in your mind.

I knew I needed to do something before this turned to hate. I again present this to him and tell him that I need to leave and I need space.

Please take a moment to acknowledge what you did here. It was fantastic, and we all commend you. You are a very strong person, and you stepped up for your M and your values. In a (big) way, you are fighting for your M, though it may not feel exactly like that.

Now he is trying to get me to stay and smothering me. He is backtracking.

He is doing what we all did before we discovered the DB/DR books and this site. He is making mistakes, but hopefully will get on track with the MC. I sure wish I could talk to him or give him the DR book to read.

We agreed I would stay at my parents for a while so I can work on not being annoyed by him. Now he doesn’t think this is a good idea. He thinks I should stay and we should go to MC immediately. I need suggestions on how to proceed.

As others have said, you need to get your space. If possible, try to convey this need lovingly - but it will be hard because emotions are high. I urge you to get a solutions-based, goal-oriented therapist. In the DR book, there is a detailed section on how to find one. There is a condensed version in the "articles" on the home page of this site. Let me know if you need a link.

I don’t think I can work on a marriage with a man that I find annoying and don’t like (possibly starting to hate). I don’t think at this point that there is anything he can do because I am not receptive and forcing me to remain around him all the time isn’t going change how I feel. Please help.

You can work on it, but it will take a long time, a lot of hard work and patience. You may need space and a break first. Remember, feelings can change. When you do start, you need goal-oriented, solutions-based help so you see progress. Progress will keep you going. Eventually, when things are better, you two will be able to nurture loving feelings again.

If you are comfortable telling us, what city do you live in? We might be able to help recommend a therapist.

Finally, as noted above, there are two people in a M/R. It takes two of them to screw it up. Spend some time when you are ready asking yourself "What did I do wrong? What was my role in getting us to this point."

I admire and respect you for being here. My WAW wouldn't do it. I don't think she thinks she has done anything to contribute to this mess. I think she feels like a victim only. Thoughts?

Two more questions if I may:

1. Have you lost physical attraction for your H, or at least told him so? If the latter, is it true? Do you have any hope of those feelings coming back? Do you believe it is possible?

2. Do you or have you said things to your H to push him away, perhaps to make him give up on the M, or to test his commitment? If so, are those things you said true or just a test? In other words, do you say things that aren't really how you feel just to make sure he doesn't get false hope or get the wrong idea or to get space? For example, have you told him "it's over, and there is no hope or chance of reconciliation" when you know there is a small doubt in your mind about D? Or do you do it without even knowing why?

Thanks again for being here. I hope and believe that you will find support here as you make your way through all of this, regardless of the outcome. These are good people, and we all understand how difficult it can be on anyone going through severe marital problems. Personally, I wish you and your H as much happiness as possible. Please keep posting.

Sincerely,
Nomopo

PS - if you have any comments on my sitch, please feel free to share.