After things were looking up all of last week, my wife informs me Sunday that on Tuesday (today) she is going to the court house and filing for a divorce. She says either I go up there and file it with her (she wants to do this without a lawyer) or she will go and get a lawyer today and file herself. But get this, TODAY IS OUR 6TH ANNIVERSERY!!! WHAT A COLD HEARTED BITCH!!! I suppose just like everything else with her it has to be as dramatic as possible. I am done fighting for and caring for someone that would do something so mean to me. She also informed me that while she has not yet started seeing this guy, there is some new guy that started working where she works last week that she has been talking to and says she might want to start seeing him, so I guess she is filing for the divorce to make it seem ok for her to start dating someone else. I guess this guy is a 5' 4" 300 pound tub of lard, hahaha. Never been married, never had kids, and probably from the sounds of it still a virgin. Its like you have got to be kidding me. One of the things we have done together and lose weight and try to set a healthy lifestyle example for our kids. She has lost close to 100 pounds, I have lost close to 150 pounds now, and she wants to start seeing some short fat peice of [censored] that just started working in her little sweat shop factory. I bet he's a real winner.
Thats it, I give. I have to admit I still love her, but me detaching the last couple months has made this a bit easier. I have cried my eyes out, but I just can't deal with her mental issues and mental abuse any longer. It will not be easy, but I will try to be nice and civil with her for the kids. I guess if she wanted me to get over her filing for a divorce on our anniversery would do it!
Mark I don't know you. And I know you're angry and hurt. But something that stands out on your post is how you, yourself struggled with weight but are so quick and judgemental toward somebody you don't even know who happens to be overweight.
I agree this was cold of her. But from the sounds of it this guy has no idea she's even interested, and his weight isn't a factor in play here.
Best of luck to you man.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
Yeah I know it man, I personally have nothing against this guy. Your right I am angry about the whole thing, but I defintely dont have any issues against people with weight problems, I was fat my whole life up until the last year. I just dont understand it, one thing we did together was change our lifestyles and lose tons of weight together. I am bitter over the whole divorce thing anyways, and then for her to want to file on our anniversery just seems like a low blow. She even took her last vactation day of the whole year to do it on this day. She apologized to me last night saying she didnt even realize it until yesterday, but there is no way I believe her.
Her step mom asked me how I was doing last night, and I told her pretty bad. Then I told her what my wife was doing, and as it turns out she hasnt even told her family, I guess she is ashamed of it. She knows they all love me and even though they wont take a stand against her, she knows they dont agree with it. Her step mom even said why in the world is she doing this. Then said trust me, she will regret doing this for the rest of her life. And this is a woman that left a good man in the first place, then ended up with an abusive drug addict, then finally ended with a my wife's dad who is a saint.
I just simply cannot believe this, I always had hope that she was just going thru some of her personal issues and we would end up being ok and I would be a success story. I just wanna grab her and shake her until she realizes just how much I love her.
It is widely believed to have been a reference to a particular gate into Jerusalem during biblical times. That doorway was literally called "Needle's Eye" and it was built like the eye of a needle and was so low that a camel could only pass through it if it entered kneeling and without baggage.
The lesson was that an eternal inheritance awaits those who unburden themselves of sin, and in particular, the things of this world.
Your chosen name alerted me after I read your scathing post earlier so I thought I'd point out that if you want to pass through this trial, perhaps you might consider the baggage you yourself are carrying before you pass such harsh judgment on someone else.
Well she did in fact come over yesterday right after my last post. We talked about who was gonna get what and who was gonna pay what bills, we agreed. We then went to the courthouse and filed for divorce. Scary how easy it is. She went and paid 6$ for a packet of papers at the library, filled them out, went to the county clerk who put an official time stamp on it, and now we have officially filed for a divorce. If the judge agrees with how we have set everything up then it will be final, over and done with forever and ever in 60 days.
The whole time before she filed I couldnt even look at her yesterday, if she asked a question I answered her. I sat there and watched the county clerk lady put a big stamp on all those papers that said "FILED". We walked out of the courthouse got in the car, and right as we was backing out, I jokingly said well you got what you wanted, now when do I get what I want for our anniversery (first light hearted things said of the day). She knew exactly what I was talking about and immediately started smiling, looked at me and said what. I said sex. She said ok. My jaw just about hit the floor. We hadnt been intimate since the day before she up and left me. So then things lighten up dramatically and on the way home we talk about what we expect to happen and how we are gonna handle this. All I asked is for her to give me a fair chance like she would any other guy. She admitted she has seen good changes in me, but doesnt know if they are for real and will last, she still thinks my changes are just part of some ploy to just get her back to the same old marriage. I asked her if it would be ok for me to ask her out sometimes. She said yes, I'll date you, but dont pressure me and dont get mad at me if I say no.
Went to the house and had sex for the first time since she walked away. She acted really disconnected during the whole thing, but I joked with her and made her laugh. I said and did the same things jokingly as I said and did during our "first time". I could tell she wasnt even letting herself enjoy it, I asked her why, she said she aint doing this for her, she is doing it for me. But there were a few times where no matter how hard she tried to make it look like she didnt like it, I could tell she was enjoying herself a few times, haha. We were always very sexually active. We never went more than 3 or 4 days without it. Her sex drive was starting to slow way down though after our kids were born. She also gave me this speech how sex doesnt mean a thing to her anymore, how she didnt even want it anymore ect.
I wonder how common that is. Go file for a divorce, then go home and have sex. Seemed pretty surreal to me.
I don't even know what I'd do if my W agreed to that right now.
The thing I did wrong with our sex life was trying to make it purely about the sex. I didn't take the emotion into account. When things were good emotionally, the sex was un-freakin-believeable. When things weren't good emotionally, it was just OK, didn't happen as often (though we still had sex multiple times a week) and she did NOT enjoy it. I thought if we did new things she'd get into it more, but that pushed her further away from enjoying it. I told her how much I wanted her to enjoy it, and that was true! However, she heard that and thought in her mind, "Sure you do <roll eyes> If you wanted me to enjoy it, you would take my emotional needs into consideration!" She HAD to have the emotional piece, the feelings of security, the feelings of being who she is and being comfortable with that. Without it, sex would never be good for her. It would be a chore, a task, a duty of the good wife, nothing to get excited over - and when the excitement is gone, well we know where that gets us...
So, as for what your W is saying about not being sure if your changes are real or How can she know they're lasting? You just show her. You have 60 days at least, right? You'll be surprised how long that feels. Answering the questions with words will get you nowhere. Then, as things progress, you'll see the sex getting better as she feels more comfortable. Women attach emotion to sex, where men are just happy with the sex (I know I always was...) Actually, you'll see your whole relationship getting better as you meet each others' needs and let selfishness go by the wayside Sex is important, but it's really just another piece of the marriage puzzle, one that needs attention, but no more than all the others, they're all inter-related.
Good luck dude, take this opportunity to make yourself better and show your W what she'll be missing if she bails.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
I can honestly say that the one part of our marriage that I was best at was the sex part. The only thing I did wrong was push for it too much. Anything and everything she ever wanted out of sex I always always did my very best to try and meet her needs. If she would have asked me to hang upside down from the ceiling and tell her I loved her while she had sex I would have done it, haha.
There is another thread going about lack of eye contact and how its the WAS's way of blocking out or denying their real feelings. Yesterday was the first time my W had if not lowered the walls she's built up, at least temporarily opened up a gate That was the first time she let me even have a chance at connecting with her in anyway since this mess started. At one point during our encounter I had her look me in the eyes and I told her just how beautiful I thought she was, and she looked me back in the eyes for maybe 10 seconds which was 9 seconds longer than she ever had done before.
She has been telling me that I was always selfish and that me not letting her have her divorce was just more of my selfish ways. So in some crazy strange way me giving her a divorce seems to have helped. I even told her this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I am not giving you this divorce because I dont love you or dont want to be with you, its just that since you seem to need it to be happy I will give it to you. It makes absolutely no sense to me, but I can say that was probably the most giving thing I have ever done in my life. I gave up my family, and hopes and dreams for the rest of my life for her to be happy. It'll be interesting to see where things go from here.
