Just checking in on you - and good day for it too, it seems, as you seemed a bit down and overwhelmed yesterday. Well today is your new day, and you are amazing. I read in your posts such strength, such poise and elegance, and you are such a great and loving mom, so intelligent, so clear. I was thinking about what you said about how good it feels to be single now - to be able to make your own decisions, chart your own course for the day and week - what a blessing that is! And as you get to enjoy that more and more, your kids will feel that calm and assurance (and experience that fun happy side of you!) and feel the relief of the drama and turmoil being gone (at least when they are with you). Because you have done, and continue to do, good work on yourself.
It does not surprise me that your S got ill and had the attack while with your H. So much of those breathing issues are anxiety and stress related. Your S is being exposed energetically to things that don't work for him. It is confusing, overwhelming, stiffling for him, smothering, he feels out of control, like he needs to get out or he will die - this is how his body is reacting. It does not surprise me that he was back to normal after being with you a bit, in his "safe zone". So just keep loving him, cuddling him, and being that safe space for him. Hopefully at some point you will even be able to talk to your H about this, and what he can do to have S's world feel more nurturing, less chaotic. Although probably your H will have to get there himself first. Nonetheless, sometimes they can do for a child what they might not be able to do just for themselves. it is worth a convo, for your S's sake.
However - try to focus on the good things about your H, as much as you can. He did do the right thing, with the shower for S. He is seeing his kids. He brought S home to you, knowing it would be better for S with you than with him. Etc. The more you can focus on the positive aspects of your H and your H's behavior, the more those positives will show up. And that will help your kids, and you.
I understand why you would not want to be with him anymore, don't get me wrong. But if you try to create a space where he could show up as a success instead of a failure, he just might surprise you! These things don't happen overnight, but it would be better for your kids, and healthier for you, if you could just focus on what H does that works.
My two cents! Because the anger, frustration, or lack of appreciation for H is all in your world, affecting you. And you are too great to give that energy away on his account.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
