Yeah I have been having nightmares and I think I need a break from all of this you are right . I AM exhausted!!!! Who I am is just fine. I am ok. I have worked to hard to let this new drama of his take me and swallow me whole. I am fine being myself.
Really I am. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just need the boundaries set so I stay sane. I guess that is what I was trying to sat only I sounded a little/A LOT nuts....
I am going to take a break from my H 's drama like I said and just be me and just be stronger.
Thanks BND... wearing a completely new hat for me was going to be fake. my Close friends thought I needed to wear it and I wanted just to set boundaries and still be me. I felt this need to put on this hat and yet I knew he would not change for me. This is so much better and thnks for calming me down. You are a sweetheart. This was far too much for me and yes I need to get back to that safe place... it just seemed he was laughing at me being so serene. Like I needed to be a *B* in order to get some respect. I dunno it is hard to explain,,, and yes I have been dramatic and sounding off and I havent had anyone but you tell me it was ok to be just me. Sure I could have told myself that but that would have been too easy. Seems like I learn the hard way and you know I will say I am tired of the way he treats me at times but yes I do love him,,,, I do appreciate the support here and you listening to my long posts and helping me ... the few friends I had I guess have not DBed ever and so I thought maybe they have a point and I need to change who I am and no I dont ,, I cant. I can polish myself off more but being something that I am not was making me crazy for a few days.
BND~ thanks once again. It has taken me a lot of work to love me and bring my self esteem back up and I appreciate your post . GOD bless you. I promise to GO back to me. \:\)
Gosh I am rambling and probably dont make sense.. and yeah when I read my angry tirade this morning I sound not like ME at all. But better here than to him and to think I really needed to overhaul me into a *B*, and I am a beautiful Woman who deserves to have my tranquility. I think ( I KNOW) I need a break from my mind racing.
Thanks for the sweet 2x4... ;\)
I really appreciate you all here so much and will keep working on my self esteem and setting boundaries.

Have a great week and thanks for the reply. You are a blessing.
Love, Ali