The family's in turmoil. S10 and S14 are just now starting to be told (in age-appropriate ways), to get them ready for the separation that is sure to follow. D18 has taken it the hardest, as she's my sensitive one; D20 is too wrapped up in, well, in D20. LOL
My in-laws are just distraught -- absolutely despondent. They call me daily to BEG me to work at this, and it's pathetic and sad. She's killing her own parents.
W and I did have a nice talk last nite and agreed to rachet up the civility, and rachet down the hate speech, for the good of the kids.
I'm glad you've decided to be civil with each other. Remember, however, that lawyers speak divorce and you speak marriage. If she wants to speak marriage fine, if she wants to talk about divorce terms make sure she has your lawyer's number and leave it at that.
Perhaps you and the kids could take some time away together to work through some of their issues. She's leaving the family but you need to stick together as a unit and some together time can help.
I hope you're doing ok and taking the time to let off steam in appropriate ways.
Choc, This is horrible. I too had the experience of my H's parents phoning me every day. His dad just wanted to whoop him, and his mum was there to listen. She was great, and didn't really take his side as a mother but just talked about how he is generally and stuff and how she went through the same thing with his Dad. She supported me really well.
Listen Choc I know you pretty much feel like it is over, because of what you have said about loving her image and not loving her. But feelings change over time. When my H walked out my kids were 4 and 20m. If they had not been that young and if I had not been SAHM, the way our R had been going I would have just gone "see ya" and helped him pack his bags.
But I didn't, I came here and I sought help and patched things back. He came home, we were happy for a few months and then things began to backslide. I've been in piecing and I've been in SSM and it has been a long slow road. And two months ago I was truly ready to walk (yes I'll admit I even had posting on DATE THE UK - not that I was interacting with it, just posted to see what hits I'd get). Anyway things have changed for me and they can change for others too.
The way I see it she is most definitely MLC. Her daughters have moved out, she now feels like she is coming towards the end of the mothering part of her life (although with a son 10, I'm not sure how she figures that except that maybe she is telling herself the father is more important for boys) And she is taking stock and feeling like if she doesn't get out now she will never have another chance.
I will tell you the story of BIL and his W. Married 12 years, 3 kids. She was SAHM he was workaholic dad, not helped by the fact that she is something of a spendaholic. Because he could never keep up with her spending desires, With the youngest aged 2 she took a part-time job looking after disabled kids, she worked nights so he could mind their kids. She met a 21 yo guy at work (she was 33). She kicked out her H and moved the BF in. On Father's day when he went round to see his kids they wouldn't let him in the door. (he's not a big guy only 5'6") Later that day he took an overdose. Thankfully he was found and recovered. She used that fact in court to make it so he could only have 2 hours supervised access per fortnight. That is 2 hours spread between 3 kids, in a church hall with a bunch of other dads and kids in the same position. After a year he couldn't take it and moved out of the country. Anyway she has since had a child by the new guy. And now he has moved out on her and left without a trace so she gets no maintenance or child support from him. So she is left on her a$$, with a low-paid p/t job and 4 kids to bring up. HA HA HA is all I can say. But it absolutely sucks for the kids.
It seems to me that Mrs Choc is of the same mentality, I want what I want and I want it now. And she WILL get burned. The question is Choc, can you show more strength than my BIL? He was not strong-minded when he took the O/D and he was not strong minded when he left the country. I am not saying they could have got back together, but she was looking pretty down about it all when we saw them at Xmas and you could see the yearning on her face to be back in the fold. There's no way back for her, but there could be for Mrs Choc.
With Nopkins and the rest of us helping you out you can stay strong and maybe there is a chance for your family. Just something to chew over.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
My in-laws are just distraught -- absolutely despondent. They call me daily to BEG me to work at this, and it's pathetic and sad. She's killing her own parents.
Why are they calling you daily and not their daughter? Are you not willing to work on the M, and have made that clear to your W and her family? Or did I miss something?
They talk to her, too. It's just that they sense less willingness to work on it from her than from me. At first, I was fighting like hell for the marriage, but after 31 days and five repeated requests for "NO CONTACT" from my wife went stubbornly refused, I did back away, and told them so. I told them I still held out hope, but that I was no longer willing to actively pursue repair, and was not willing to go to MC, if she was still having an affair, and that that the ball was squarely in her court.
OK, this is so classic, I just had to share it with you all.
Found a spiral notebook in my wife's BMW -- you know, the one she cannot afford, and has no clue on how to afford replacing when its lease ends in January. Anyway, I digress.
Frantically scribbled over two adjoining pages, on all kinds of angles, are figures and items, as she attempts to build a monthly budget of what she's going to need to live on without me. This apparently is the "papers" that my friend saw her working on the other day at the ballfield, instead of watching her son play baseball.
Credit card payment, $500. Nails - $52 Cellphone - $60 Hair (Choc. will pay for cut) Hair color Savings Spending money Clothing
and . . .
and . . .
BOTOX -- $240.
That's right, you read it correctly. Man, she has lost her mind.
Then again, there are some notes about "alimony," so I guess she's hoping that I will pay for that if she or I push for divorce.
That is the most bizarre "I'm going to get S/D, here's what I need" list. Where is she going to live? With her parents? That list sounds like something a college student would write, not a woman who has to support herself. LFL
That's pretty much what mlc is. People tend to regress to that stage they were interrupted in during their development. It' weird to see 40 something's acting like teenagers and sometimes it's downright creepy.
Well, she did go from living with Daddy to living with me, at age 24-1/2, so maybe she never did live out that stage of her life, who knows.
She is obviously counting on living in this house until it is sold, and then being set up in another one (house or condo) afterward, complete with alimony and child support. Hence the "alimony" scribblings in the margins, and the lack of a "rent" itemized line in her "budget."
