I think maybe you can love him in a new way and quite possibly the love you will feel will be even more beautiful than before. It is real hard when they are "away" on one hand it helps you grow and sometimes the lonliness is hard to bear,, you get used to it but some days like today for me it is hard. Take care sweetie ... and yes that time alone will be priceless enjoy it and make awesome memories. God bless...
Well it is official my H just called me and I was slepping and he was very angry and asked me I couldnt understand him to call him Private,, and I was saying Tyler.. and he yelled you know what the F I am talking about and I said Oh pirivate? sure I can call you private what it the matter? and before I could fininsh he hung up on me ... so I call him back and he is even angrie ( he thinks I said yeah I have been calling you Private) apparently from what Transpired and then he starts yelling at me saying I sound just like that bitch and I saty what bitch are you talking @ this is crazy your crazy and he tells me you know whet the f I am talking about and dont ever call me again you are just like her..... so he alone confirmed it... help....
Alimari, we are as crazy as they are, if we accept their abuse and then internalize it. Partners of alcholics get dragged through the mud unless they step back and don't react in a hurt way. Those affairs are addictions, you know?
Get some distance on your husband. Be glad he is away. Be polite and cheerful but do not engage in his drunky excitement. They enjoy that as much as the buzz from drinking. The drama of make-up and break-up can get to be part of the 'fun' for them.
Making a decision to stay straight myself {our best times have been cooking happy dinners while drinking like pirates...} and then waiting for my husband to figure it out on his own is difficult for me. It means we will have to re-invent.
You have to cold heartedly put good healthy plans in place of sad waiting and worrying. Gradually, your good feeling will become more of a habit and less forced. Get brave enough to look at things the way they ARE, not how they were or how you think they could be.
Start with deep breathing and counting. That works to interrupt the panicky anger. I have finally understood that the sick, scared moments are temporary and that it is possible to rotate through them without over reacting.
My big goal each day is to not make things worse for myself or for him.
Thanks FLICKA .. you do understand this well. Makes a lot of sense what you are saying..... my DAD actually was and still is an achoholic. I guess I have been avoiding looking at my H in that way.... and then this morning after sleeping on it... I realized he may have meant that I was crazy like my ex GF ( LOOOOOOOOONG STORY, her boyfriend works with my h and she always calls private~) cause he kept insisting I "KNEW" this *B* and I was acting just like her.. and so yeah I do react to much to his drunken state and until he gets bettter I wll have to do something. COG had mentioned to me about some program so even though I am not the drinker I need help to deal w/this.
He just called like nothing and was being sweet and he said he was referring TO XXXXXXX and I said yeah I just figured that out and I said well why did you not just say her name... he said well cause "he " was in the room. NICE HUH? and I said well I could barely understand you and I assumed you meant you had a GF.. YOU called me all angry and you made no sense and you were whispering... this has to stop... He is like OH gees I do NOT have a GF.... just stop thinking like that! I need to get off the crazy train and stay off it AND I am going to have to develop another strategy to deal with this cause this is more than I can handle and I need to stay calm when he acts like this... IS that good? And I actually am very spritual and do believe in GOD ~ but I never go to church,,, I just live right ~ you are so cute~ thanks for the POST. It really gives me a lot to think about! That is why I post here to get advice and help when MY eyes are closed and I am too close to my sitch and cant see clear.
I read and read these boards but do not usually post. I find myself being outraged on behalf of other long suffering spouses. It seems easy to "know" what they should be doing. I get crazy{er} watching patterns repeat and repeat....
Let's both jump off the "Crazy Train". The drunky and workaholic and sex addicted engineers will probably not notice for awhile. Until they derail in a big way, maybe...
Al-Anon is very useful. Even if you do not go to meetings, the readings help distressed partners get calm stay focused on the bigger picture.
Thanks for your reply... I stepped on it "CRAZY TRAIN" for a minute and realized WOMAN you need to get the h*ll off again~ he tried to get me upset this am. He called as sweet as Pecan Pie and acted " as if" and I told him what I had to say. I also told him when he called later that if he was going to be rude/mean he needed to wait an hour and not call me til he was going to be nice. HE AGREED~ 180 FOR ME AND IT FELT GOOD. WHEN HE CALLED THIS MORNING AND WANTED TO PRETEND IT DID NOT HAPPEN AND HE WAS NOT CRUEL... I talked to him about it and he listened. ....he called several times today and when he was ready to start he would say I am going to let you go. SO THAT WAS MY 1ST boundary and I am going to look for a website to help me deal with this more! I am proud of me cause I went to workout for an hour and a half and I felt great then I took my kids to the park to spend time with my Family and my kids too~ we had a great time better than me sitting here worried and dwelling on this. You helped me see I do still let him take me down with him. and yes I used to like to drink when I was younger 10 years ago but I never got mean. I would turn into hippie child and I loved everyone, I would tell everyone you are so beautiful etc etc. Silly huh? I surrender to much of me to him and I need to keep loving but set more boundaries and stand up for me more. He told me today that someone had been calling him private incessantly all day and nite yesterday... and this am someone keyed his truck!! ???? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM? I did not dwell on that either cause I can assume it was the *W* who called him and go from there I have a great imagination.
But that is on him not me right???? As I sit here I am tense and I feel like I can not breathe. And so as much as I know I have to put this out of my mind it is not ok that he does these things and now more than ever he will hear me wether he wants to or not.. SWEET ALI needs to get a tougher skin and be a b*tch for awhile. It is so empowering to tell him like it is and he listens and is ok with it. He had better be !!!! He has told me he loves me so many times today I lost count???~ Hopefully one day he will be well in the meantime I need to get stronger and use my voice once again and take back my power again. Take a deep breath and dive in and get my hands dirty cause I am too good of a Woman to take this SH*T anymore! I am more than the drink, more than the *W* that may be in his path and I am more than I even know. I am a beautiful person and he needs to treat me as such. Not as an obligation but b/c I am HIS WIFE and I love him, plain and simple. I feel strong and even when he called last nite and I thought he was referring to another OW I wasnt ready to wither I felt angry and ready to fight for my Pride and Respect.... No more BS.... I am done with it and it wil be hard not to absorb when he is "drunk" but I can do this and I already told him to not call if he was going to offend me.. call later when you are goinjg to be nice .... I can do this and I also plan on working out daily again to get my spirit back in full gear. Watch out cause here comes the beautiful b*tch who aint gonna take your sh*t anymore,, I have paid my dues and enough is enough. Time for him to start working for my respect. I always gave it freely now he has to earn it from me and be the Man he knows he can be and nothing less. He is so lost right now that he will say I need to stop and he does not.. God be with him cause he needs him now more than ever. He is hurting me the Woman he says he adores and I will not stand by and wait anymore for him, I will rejoice in the day and my Kids and all that GOd has blessed me with and he can come with me or he can stay stuck. I love him with all my heart but he needs to also do this on his own. God bless... and thanks for all your support everyone this weekend !!!!!!! I really needed it and it has been a real blessing and helped me so , so much! God bless....
Well my H has called me several times now and keeps saying ILY!!!! and now he tells me he wants me to go to Victoria Secret and buy whatever I want and spend as much as I want. ????? OOOOOH sounds nice. I do believe I can do that.... I dunno whether to be elated or suspicios???? Well I will go w/ elated for now and if it is out of guilt he will have to deal with this on his own! I am not going to be bogged down w/ this. I also realized that he may be an alchoholic and as hard as it is for me I am going to have to lead by example and not let him drag me down and hopefully help him some. I did tell him right now to go to bed and to STOP drinking, I normally tip toe around with him and stay quiet not anymore.. I need to keep strong and not let this affect my moods anymore. I need to for me and my kids. I guess it took him being and idiot and giving some *W* his number for me to open my eyes more and get tougher with him. Walking on eggshells re his drinking and behavior towards me is enough. I need to get disciplined in taking care of my mind , body and spirit had this happened to me years ago and it did ,, I would have been a pile of mush crying all day and upset and wanting to talk it to death.... NO MORE! God bless... and I WILL have fun at Victoria Secret, lots of fun. I deserve it... Flicka what do you think about this ?
Well I sit here sick to my stomach and I can't sleep I am feeling good actually spirit wise and yet at the same time I feel very angry. Partly at myself for snooping just for the hell of it and partly for all that has transpired. I know hey ( like someone posted to me in Infidelity forum) I only know 50 % of the story so maybe I am assuming too much,, maybe if I punched him in the *(&&) I would feel better. I have chosen the high road,,, but maybe I need to choose the low road and when I see him slap him in the face!!!!! I am ok though ~
I can look in the Mirror at night and know who I am and have no doubts that living right is good for me. I also must admit I feel somewhat vengeful even if it was "nothing" and he was just drunk/belligerent WHATEVER. Not vengeful in a way that I will also forget my vows but being sweet isnt working.
SOOOOOOOOOOO.... time to buckle up and be the Woman and stay feminine etc etc but it is time to grow a set and get stronger. Not be a B*TCH per se but be a Smart Woman,, being a lady and being so sweet and walking on those eggshells re his drinking it is not working and those days are done. My core essence is to love and be sweet but it needs to be underneath and the * me needs to taint it for awhile. We all have facets to our Personality and I need to get myself to a place where I take no SH*T anymore!!!!!
I have had it with allowing him to get rude and say I need to keep showing him and proving something to him. I have carried this Cross long enough and My back is tired and now he can carry it for awhile till he is "clean", he can work for my respect and love all of which I have freely given him and he has seemed to taken for granted. So I dont know how I could ever bring up the snooping or the phone calls ,,, and yet I am ready to change some , take the risk and if he doesntlike it and cant keep up.. .... we will see where to go from there. I am so tired of being the good ladylike Wife and also being sensual and he still acts like a damn fool. Or when I was sleeping in till 9:30AM THE OTHER DAY ( wow , how terrible ) he was telling me to "get up honey go running it will help you feel better." SHOOT I WAS SLEEEPING IN CAUSE YOU are an ~idiot and when you called 2 am and yelled at me I couldnt sleep till 4 am,,,, I dont need to feel better. I feel fine Thank you very much!
I am tired and I am actually human last time I looked . And once again you are projecting it is you who needs to run and feel better!!!! I feel fine just run down from thinking about all your BS! Sure he is just trying to motivate me but why?
Ali needs to take a Vacation and let me be a *B* for awhile for lack of a better term, If you all know one feel free to let me know. I am not trying to offend anyone but he has got me so heated and at the same time he is being so syrup sweet so it is just me fed up with this. I will still talk to him with love and integrity, but the days of biting my lip, and taking on his mood swings etc. etc. etc are coming to a fast close . So I see that this is my Miracle not curing him or getting him to see the light etc. etc etc. But me going thru this personal growth and allowing myself the luxury of being strong and at the same time living right. So yeah I am not being rude or disrespectful but will be a *B* so to speak.
AND, little by little and stop letting him walk all over me at times. I just am sooooooooooooo tired of this and thru the phone these past few days I have been being respectful but at the same time I am letting him know X, y or z!!!!!
Btw these things had transpired on Sunday night,, he told me Monday am that his truck had been keyed and he almost got into a fight last night and that he was trying to jump a fence and he would not elaborate.... when I asked about " what happened" he said "WE are fine honey dont worry." ? WTH? So yeah Ali will not worry @ it that is on you sweet H of mine and you need to stop this and grow up. Then yesterday he tells me that he jumped in a pool and his phone no longer works so he is calling me from some other guys phone to let me know and I dont answer ( he only called once*) and then he sends a good friend of his to our home to let me know what happened and to "call" him. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM.... that is 180 for him normally he would get irate and COMPLETELY irrational and ask why I did not answer or call back. I did tell him Sunday morning "If you are going to call to be mean or rude ... wait an hour and then call me ok. I dont need to hear that anymore! He said "OK" if he forgets in the near future as hard as it is for me , I will remind him!! feels like I am dealing with a CHILD here,
But I was at the gym ( THE YMCA) and my kids where swimming. My S16 was home and he took the "message". WOW~ So two hours later.. I worked out for 70 minutes!! When I check my VM,,, his friend said he stopped by our house and left a # to reach H at? I called him and when he called me back he was ACTUALLY pleasant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIRACLE..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD! No rudeness or where the hell where you or why the hell didn you answer the phone! NOTHING, NADA,ZIP ,ZILCH!!! can you see me jumping up and down and saying "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!" If not that is what I was doing,, well not literally but you get the picture. And then he said he would call later and low and behold he kept his word and called me and promised me he was only having one beer and he was going to bed.. I said "you promise?" and he said :yes honey I do." and I said " YOU BETTER, it is for your own good and b/c we love you.." and he replied " I know you do ~" ~WOW~ ????? He said ILY honey .. and I ask " HOW MUCH" and he says "very much" He then calls me back later and tells me ILY again and to have a good night and to take care and to be good... I say you do not have to tell me to be good I always am and so goodnight honey. ( in a nice but firm voice) I am not being too harsh or pushing him,, I am leading by example and he can follow or stay lost. And it seems from only 2 days so far he is Following. So maybe this will change for the better and just keep getting better. I can not force him to change but when I have the courage to lead he will either follow and see the beauty in me or he will stay stuck but either way I am moving forward and he cannot stop me or make me feel bad anymore. I am Human sure and I will get sad or hurt or upset here and there . But to be subjected to it just cause he feels like it and he knows I love him,,, NO MORE! And now after posting I feel lighter , stronger and better and will go back to bed. Where is staying up and not sleeping going to get me? Nowhere fast! and I need my energy for my kids and my home and my work and the GYM tomorrow and of course my H whether he deserves it or not..he has to live with himself and the choices he makes. God bless....
Well it is official my H just called me and I was slepping and he was very angry and asked me I couldnt understand him to call him Private,, and I was saying Tyler.. and he yelled you know what the F I am talking about and I said Oh pirivate? sure I can call you private what it the matter? and before I could fininsh he hung up on me ... 
180 FOR ME AND IT FELT GOOD. 
OOOOOH sounds nice. I do believe I can do that.... I dunno whether to be elated or suspicios???? Well I will go w/ elated for now and if it is out of guilt he will have to deal with this on his own! I am not going to be bogged down w/ this. I also realized that he may be an alchoholic and as hard as it is for me I am going to have to lead by example and not let him drag me down and hopefully help him some.