Well I sit here sick to my stomach and I can't sleep
I am feeling good actually spirit wise and yet at the same time I feel very angry. Partly at myself for snooping just for the hell of it and partly for all that has transpired. I know hey ( like someone posted to me in Infidelity forum) I only know 50 % of the story so maybe I am assuming too much,, maybe if I punched him in the *(&&) I would feel better. I have chosen the high road,,, but maybe I need to choose the low road and when I see him slap him in the face!!!!!
I am ok though ~

I can look in the Mirror at night and know who I am and have no doubts that living right is good for me. I also must admit I feel somewhat vengeful even if it was "nothing" and he was just drunk/belligerent WHATEVER. Not vengeful in a way that I will also forget my vows but being sweet isnt working.

SOOOOOOOOOOO.... time to buckle up and be the Woman and stay feminine etc etc but it is time to grow a set and get stronger. Not be a B*TCH per se but be a Smart Woman,, being a lady and being so sweet and walking on those eggshells re his drinking it is not working and those days are done. My core essence is to love and be sweet but it needs to be underneath and the * me needs to taint it for awhile. We all have facets to our Personality and I need to get myself to a place where I take no SH*T anymore!!!!!

I have had it with allowing him to get rude and say I need to keep showing him and proving something to him. I have carried this Cross long enough and My back is tired and now he can carry it for awhile till he is "clean", he can work for my respect and love all of which I have freely given him and he has seemed to taken for granted.
So I dont know how I could ever bring up the snooping or the phone calls ,,, and yet I am ready to change some , take the risk and if he doesntlike it and cant keep up..
.... we will see where to go from there. I am so tired of being the good ladylike Wife and also being sensual and he still acts like a damn fool. Or when I was sleeping in till 9:30AM THE OTHER DAY ( wow , how terrible ) he was telling me to "get up honey go running it will help you feel better."
SHOOT I WAS SLEEEPING IN CAUSE YOU are an ~idiot and when you called 2 am and yelled at me I couldnt sleep till 4 am,,,, I dont need to feel better. I feel fine Thank you very much!


I am tired and I am actually human last time I looked . And once again you are projecting it is you who needs to run and feel better!!!! I feel fine just run down from thinking about all your BS!
Sure he is just trying to motivate me but why?

Ali needs to take a Vacation and let me be a *B* for awhile for lack of a better term, If you all know one feel free to let me know. I am not trying to offend anyone but he has got me so heated and at the same time he is being so syrup sweet so it is just me fed up with this. I will still talk to him with love and integrity, but the days of biting my lip, and taking on his mood swings etc. etc. etc are coming to a fast close . So I see that this is my Miracle not curing him or getting him to see the light etc. etc etc. But me going thru this personal growth and allowing myself the luxury of being strong and at the same time living right. So yeah I am not being rude or disrespectful but will be a *B* so to speak.

AND, little by little and stop letting him walk all over me at times. I just am sooooooooooooo tired of this and thru the phone these past few days I have been being respectful but at the same time I am letting him know X, y or z!!!!!

Btw these things had transpired on Sunday night,, he told me Monday am that his truck had been keyed and he almost got into a fight last night and that he was trying to jump a fence and he would not elaborate.... when I asked about " what happened" he said "WE are fine honey dont worry." ?
WTH? So yeah Ali will not worry @ it that is on you sweet H of mine and you need to stop this and grow up.
Then yesterday he tells me that he jumped in a pool and his phone no longer works so he is calling me from some other guys phone to let me know and I dont answer ( he only called once*) and then he sends a good friend of his to our home to let me know what happened and to "call" him. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM.... that is 180 for him normally he would get irate and COMPLETELY irrational and ask why I did not answer or call back.
I did tell him Sunday morning "If you are going to call to be mean or rude ... wait an hour and then call me ok. I dont need to hear that anymore! He said "OK" if he forgets in the near future as hard as it is for me , I will remind him!! feels like I am dealing with a CHILD here,


But I was at the gym ( THE YMCA) and my kids where swimming. My S16 was home and he took the "message".
WOW~
So two hours later.. I worked out for 70 minutes!!
When I check my VM,,, his friend said he stopped by our house and left a # to reach H at?
I called him and when he called me back he was ACTUALLY
pleasant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIRACLE..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!
No rudeness or where the hell where you or why the hell didn you answer the phone! NOTHING, NADA,ZIP ,ZILCH!!! can you see me jumping up and down and saying "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
If not that is what I was doing,, well not literally but you get the picture. ;\)
And then he said he would call later and low and behold he kept his word and called me and promised me he was only having one beer and he was going to bed.. I said "you promise?" and he said :yes honey I do." and I said " YOU BETTER, it is for your own good and b/c we love you.." and he replied " I know you do ~" ~WOW~ ?????
He said ILY honey .. and I ask " HOW MUCH" and he says "very much"
He then calls me back later and tells me ILY again and to have a good night and to take care and to be good... I say you do not have to tell me to be good I always am and so goodnight honey. ( in a nice but firm voice) I am not being too harsh or pushing him,, I am leading by example and he can follow or stay lost. And it seems from only 2 days so far he is Following. So maybe this will change for the better and just keep getting better. I can not force him to change but when I have the courage to lead he will either follow and see the beauty in me or he will stay stuck but either way I am moving forward and he cannot stop me or make me feel bad anymore. I am Human sure and I will get sad or hurt or upset here and there . But to be subjected to it just cause he feels like it and he knows I love him,,, NO MORE!
And now after posting I feel lighter , stronger and better and will go back to bed. Where is staying up and not sleeping going to get me? Nowhere fast! and I need my energy for my kids and my home and my work and the GYM tomorrow and of course my H whether he deserves it or not..he has to live with himself and the choices he makes.
God bless....