Why do these things happen IV

[789]

I don't think it's that simple. Very strange my friend, very strange. I think your W and mine share notes on the "let's mix signals" game.

Lets add another mixed signal.
Before going to bed she came up to me to say goodnight, nothing really unuasal about that, but then says "are you going to get up and give me a hug goodnight" I think she has given me one hug in 4 months. I wonder what confucious would say.

[FaithLOVEHope]

How are you doing? I am so proud of you for this weekend ..a test is what it is/was and you did a great job. Keep up the good work and yes it is being noticed!!

[789]

Well made it home safely, not sure if trip was good or bad in W's eyes, only time will tell.

Once again S made me teary eyed. We dropped W at her place and unpacked. I then told him to get his stuff ready to go with me.

S "Why are we leaving, I thought you and mommie were back together because we were together all weekend."
This just crush's me everytime, I feel like I can only repeat myself so many different ways to him. I truly hope that this suffering he is going thru is better than just getting a D and him not having any fantasies going thru his head.

One other thing that happened this morning, my MIL gave my W DB and DR books, hope this goes well and she actually opens them. Otherwise they might make good coasters for her coffee table and she will just pull further away.

[789]

How are you doing? I am so proud of you for this weekend ..a test is what it is/was and you did a great job. Keep up the good work and yes it is being noticed!!

I am doing well, long drive back, fortunately she did not throw me out of the van on the way home.
I hope I did a good job in front of her and family for that matter, my worst part was yesterday when she had a couple drinks, that just royally pissed me off, but I lived.
As for the noticing part, is there any way to tell if they are noticing, or do you just find out with whatever the end result happens to be?

[789]

I know my W is going to call in about 15-20 minutes, to tell S goodnight and all that, and I will end up talking to her.
Question is, should I ask her anything about the trip as in fun, good, enjoy, etc... and also that I had fun and enjoyed being with her and her family, even if it is a bit of a lie?

P.S. she made a comment at lunch today, or jab if you want to call it that, she said I never liked going to visit sites as in Grand Canyon, Anasi Cliff dwellings and all that when we lived near those areas, I want to tell her that is going to be part of the new me. Good bad or shut up?

[789]

Well S is now asleep, this weekend is now hitting me. In thinking of the whole weekend, I believe for the most part it was a bust. I hope I am wrong, but that is how I feel at the moment. I hate hearing my S ask questions or make statements that I have no control over. It is just making my stomach knot up everytime.

Need to start talking to myself again about why I am in this fight, I know for my personal reasons, but are they enough. Is it worth seeing my son so torn up? Is it worth it for my own mental health?
Is it worth it for the financial strain of me trying to help her out monetarily while she is "thinking"? Is it worth it for everyone in our families or friends walking on eggshells around me/her/us?

I for one, use to probably cry 2-3 times a year and I cannot even remember why. Now it is almost a daily ritual, whether it is early morning and just sad, or during the day or evening after thinking that I have done something else wrong in her eyes or even my own eyes at times, or nothing is really progressing, or just after hugging my son for a half hour before he goes to bed and looking at his face and trying to answer his questions and at the same time trying to change subjects or make him laugh.

I hate what I have done to my family over the last decade, I cannot change what I have done, I cannot change my past prior to that either. I know it is hard for W too, but damn, say something. Hell I would even take a F.U., your an a**hole, just something.

Ok ranting again, just having a down evening.

[mkultra]

It seems like the saddest part is how this is effecting your son, but perhaps you can imagine modeling how to be happy to him. You did the right thing by not criticizing her drinking if that was the old you. That shows you have done a 180! I bet it was not a bust. I bet you planted a seed of doubt in her mind, she is probably thinking about the weekend fondly if she shows affection with a hug. You will have more chances later.

[DadNotQuitting]

Need to start talking to myself again about why I am in this fight, I know for my personal reasons, but are they enough. Is it worth seeing my son so torn up?

So you think he will be less torn up if you quit? I'm going through my own little hell in all of this too, but I'll make my Stand for my kids first, me second. They need mommy and daddy together. So does your boy, and you know that.

I hate what I have done to my family over the last decade, I cannot change what I have done, I cannot change my past prior to that either.

I don't remember where I got this from, possibly from this site, but I wrote it in my notes and just dug it up when I read what you posted. Could be from DB or DR, I'm not sure. RIGHT ACTIONS FOR THE FUTURE ARE THE BEST APOLOGIES FOR WRONG ONES IN THE PAST. Now, go show them your right actions.

DNQ

[789]

It seems like the saddest part is how this is effecting your son, but perhaps you can imagine modeling how to be happy to him. You did the right thing by not criticizing her drinking if that was the old you. That shows you have done a 180! I bet it was not a bust. I bet you planted a seed of doubt in her mind, she is probably thinking about the weekend fondly if she shows affection with a hug. You will have more chances later.

My son is the hardest part of this, I can go up and down, and I can deal with that. Watching my son do this kills me thought. I think I do well in keeping happy and having fun with him, right now he is my life and I try to make it the best I can for him.

I did not critize the W about drinking, never have, she does not have a drinking problem, she might drink a 4 pack of wine coolers a year. Unlike me, that would just be an appetizer for an afternoon.

I hope I do have more chances, last nite after the weekend was completed, I was just emotionally worn down. Yes the hug was nice, she has plenty of chances to do it when we are by ourselves, but the very few times she has, it is always in front of our son which leads him to a new round of asking questions. That is why I don't put much into them, as I think they are for his benifit in her eyes more than anything.

[789]

Need to start talking to myself again about why I am in this fight, I know for my personal reasons, but are they enough. Is it worth seeing my son so torn up?

So you think he will be less torn up if you quit? I'm going through my own little hell in all of this too, but I'll make my Stand for my kids first, me second. They need mommy and daddy together. So does your boy, and you know that.

No I don' think he would be less torn up, but I sometimes think the pain would be a shorter duration. I will not give up and I will keep trying. Just better to vent in here than with other people who are around our situation or just hold it in my brain. This place is a good outlet for me.

I hate what I have done to my family over the last decade, I cannot change what I have done, I cannot change my past prior to that either.

I don't remember where I got this from, possibly from this site, but I wrote it in my notes and just dug it up when I read what you posted. Could be from DB or DR, I'm not sure. RIGHT ACTIONS FOR THE FUTURE ARE THE BEST APOLOGIES FOR WRONG ONES IN THE PAST. Now, go show them your right actions.

DNQ [/quote]

I am trying to do the right actions, working hard on that daily. According to W, the only problem was my alcohol use, and what comes with that. So with that in mind, I have completely stopped drinking. I do everything to keep an upbeat attitude around her, not always succesful. Do everything in my power to keep my son happy and feeling good about himself.