also, if you could focus on yourself ONLY, (plus kids, but not your wife) and what YOU want, isn't that GAL?
Plus it keeps you out of the neutral mode, which prevents forward motion...as we all know...just a thought. I do know when I began making plans for happiness with the assumption of a divorce or no h, (one overseas teaching job in Florence Italy, for example) h got more "active" so to speak. I don't know if that was the trigger--I really don't know. BUT I was starting to get excited about MY future...and I was getting open to being happy without him.
Some days it's hard for me to Un-do that, if you know what I mean. Like I've gotta back up now.
Later buddy, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have gotten to where I'm focusing on me and the kids, no more obsessing about my wife. The "neutral mode" was only in reference to my marriage, not myself. I've gotten to the point where I feel I can wait my wife out and see where she goes from here. I don't seem to have the need to push her to work on our marriage or push her to leave, I'm accepting the limbo in our relationship and making the best of my time in the meanwhile. I'm keeping the door open for my wife, but I'm not standing at it trying ot figure out what she is doing anymore. I don't want to go overboard and start shutting her out, but certainly no more heart on a platter for her to slice and dice until she is willing and able to invest some of herself in our marriage with me. I'll keep doing what is best for the kids and with my marriage in mind, I'm taking the pieces of myself that were hanging on the framework of my marriage before they collapsed into a pile on the floor and I'm putting them together on their own but not replacing my wife's piece in my heart and also not closing off that part permenantly either.
Lots of rambling, but I do feel great, had IC today, the IC thinks I'm doing great. She wants my mom to come to IC with me next week when she is here for a couple sessions, should be useful. The IC has told me a couple things that were kind of surprising. She saw how my wife is abusive to me in the 2 MC sessions we had and she also told me that just hearing about how my wife treated/treats me is painful for her to hear... I told her I'm done with that, no more double standards, I want equality for man and wife, I want to learn a better way to relate to my wife so I/we don't repeat the same broken behavoirs. I only want to look at the past enough to see what I did wrong so I can learn the right way or a better way to deal with things.
just curious, is the IC a solution based therapist? did she tell you why she wanted your mom to come?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I know the IC is familar with Michelle and her work, I do push for moving forward and solutions more than just dwelling in the past. I believe she wants to talk with my mom a bit about what I went thru when my dad left and I stopped dealing with my emotions or growing emotionally and also my mom has observed 20 yrs of my wife and I being together. My mom and I have grown closer in the past few months and my mom is also one of the few (like 2) people my wife and I have both talked to about our marriage. Hopefully my mom can help a little with how I got to where I am so I can figure out where to go from here. Guess we'll see. Thanks for askin'.
No phone calls from my wife today, she did start sending me txt msgs after everyone else at her work left for the day, the first was "Sup" and I sent a message or two, then followed it up with a "K" and figured the conversation would be over. But she picked it back up after a few mins, told me she was talking the boys bowling and I told that sounded like fun, she mentioned that all they do is play computer and I said that is was good that she was getting them out to do something else.
Played softball after work, went 3 for 3 hitting, batted some runs in, didn't screw up in the field either. It was a great night, we won 12-9, unfortunately the last game is Thursday and I will miss it We have a tournament in a month, so I'll be looking forward to that! I wanted to call my wife and tell her all about the game, but bit my tongue and didn't. She likes baseball and has come to all of my games when she is here, plus she usually asks about them when she isn't here.
Went straight from my game to the local minor league baseball opening night. Got there in the 5th inning, standing room only! Our home team ended up losing 5-4 with the tie breaking run coming in the 9th inning and the home team was unable to get a run to tie or win. During the game S15 sent me a video of bowling, I kind of backslide and asked him to send a video of his mom bowling, but he didn't. I sent him a video of the baseball game from my phone and kept him uptodate on the score since he wanted to know. S13 said he wanted to go to a game. Fireworks after the game, took a video of them and sent them to S13, S15 and my wife. Then sent S13 and S15 a goodnight and love ya and got the same back from them. No goodnight txt msg from my wife and no response from her about the baseball or firework videos I sent her and the kids. Not stressing, not calling her, not sending her a good night.
Washing clothes and packing for Vegas, need to mow the front and back lawns in the morning before I go to work and head to the airport. Hope something worthwhile happens in Vegas to make the trip worthwhile, I'm missing 3 important things here to go on the trip and need some good business news, some sort of good news would be nice for once...
hope you have a wonderful time in Vegas, so you have lots of fun things to share! nothing that would be on the "if it happens in Vegas, it stays in Vegas" stories though!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Maybe I missed something. Somewhere along the way did you get accused of, or do you believe, that you are developmentally delayed or immature for your age? Just asking. Plus, what about your wife's "maternally confused" issues? What was she looking for? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the support HS, the stress at work is a good distraction and I'm starting to step up and do my part which makes it easier to deal with the stuff that is truly out of my control. It has unfortunately been a long road back at work since the bomb took so much out of me mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm feeling good tho' and ready to start kickin' ass and takin' names.
Hey ST, I being the good Christian boy I've always been have never had any Vegas stories that couldn't be shared, not planning to start now, besides I can live vicariously thru my co-workers, they're wild enough to make up for me!
J, I'm the one that came to the conclusion that I stopped dealing with my emotions as a way to cope back when my dad left and tho' I've developed and matured (albeit at differing rates) in every way but emotionally. My wife I believe has attachment/bonding/intimacy emotional issues of her own and that may be why we got together and why we made it this far with our emotional limitations. I also stopped growing spiritually at the same time since I'd be raised a strict bible based Christian and suddenly my parents do a 180 and I've drifted along on the strong basis I had built, but didn't develop or deepen my spirituality. My wife has spent a lot of time on hers and I think that is one of the ways we got fairly out of sync and she built a lot of resentment about my lack of interest or growth. Also emotionally my wife says she already went thru what I'm going thru during/after her 1st divorce so she figures that she is way ahead of me and my personal development in that area too. Anyhow that hopefully sheds some more light on the subject, if not I can try again.
Busy morning, trying to pack, get to work and finish some things before heading to the airport. No contact from my wife all day so I decided to call her on the way to the airport. She answered on the 2nd ring and asked "what was up?" I told her I was on the way to the airport and wanted to check on how her day was going. She told me that she had just gotten done with lunch, their case cancelled and it was pretty boring at work. I asked how bowling with the kids had gone and she told me all about it, she mentioned triyng to take them again tonight. I told her about my softball game and the minor league baseball game I'd gone to. We talked about 8-9 mins total, just a nice conversation in general. I told her I'd better go since I was at the airport and she told me to tell her brother hi and to have a safe trip. Later on when I'd boarded the plane and was about to have to turn off my cell phone I sent her a message "On plane, have fun with the kids" and she replied with "Thanks U 2." I got sick to my stomach on the bumpy ride into Vegas, I get car sick if I read, but don't think I've ever gotten sick on a plane before. I thought I was going to puke and tried everything I could think of to minimize the sickness. Landed with my lunch intacted, didn't know why, but I had been feeling sick to my stomach every afternoon for the 1st couple weeks when I started taking my AD meds and I'd taken them right before take off. Anyhow I sent my wife a txt msg when I landed that said "Made it. Got airsick at the end. Never had that happen before. Thought I was going to puke. Maybe because of the effexor or something. Hope u have a good day!" and she replied with "Have fun."
Met up with everyone at the airport and took the hotel limo from the airport to the hotel. We have 3 rooms, 2 of them are regular rooms with 2 beds and 2 people in them, the 3rd room is some kind of presidential suite or something, 2 story ceiling with 2 stories of windows looking out on the pool area, big bar, living room, bedroom upstairs with nice tub with windows looking out from it, nicest hotel room I've been in, too bad I'm staying in the regular room. We're meeting with some bank owners tomorrow in that room so it should be nice to hang out in for a while. Had some food to eat that would hold us over until a later dinner at 10:30pm at the steakhouse. Discussed the new business idea that we're pitching tomorrow and how it will work and what we need from the bank (BIL says he wants a billion $ credit line to buy houses with!). We all brainstormed for an hour or two, then split up with 2 of us going up to our room for internet access and working, the rest feeding $ into slot machines and other types of gambling downstairs in the casino.
I say when they're all doing the "what happens in Vegas..." thing you kick the Presidential people into the regular room and enjoy it. (maybe they won't remember?)
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thanks Nikki, sounds like a plan to me too! Sent my wife a txt msg with a photo of a 61 pound gold nugget on display at the hotel. She replied right away with "steal it" and I sent back "It is worth 525k" and she sent "I'm sure my brother will win more than that 2 night, goodnight." I told her brother what she said and we all laughed about it, he already lost 9k on the slot machines since we got here. I sent back to my wife "Your brother says to send money" and she wrote back "Tell him 2 go sell himself, if he is lucky he might make 50 cents" and we all really laughed hard at that one. I replied to her with "LOL! Thanks for the laugh. Sleep tight!"
We had a fantastic dinner tonight and now I'm about to hit the sack, everyone else is down in the casino, big meeting tomorrow at 9am.
haven't had time to read all the posts, but I did read the last one and it sounds like things are going great!
My mom came in town just now, so I might not get to post much this weekend.
Glad things are going well, and glad for the fun txts between you two.
can't wait to hear more!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
We have a tournament in a month, so I'll be looking forward to that! I wanted to call my wife and tell her all about the game, but bit my tongue and didn't. She likes baseball and has come to all of my games when she is here, plus she usually asks about them when she isn't here.
