I don't have a thread. I haven't figured out how to use this website, and when I tried to start a new topic it came out in the middle of someone else's thread. So I've just been posting where I feel I have some insight.
I don't know exactly what my H was thinking, but he says he felt rejected by me. He thought I didn't want him anymore, so he started to move on. He hadn't moved out yet when I discovered the affair and confronted him with it. I think he was stunned by the strong reaction that not just I, but also our three grown kids, had to the affair. I guess in a backward kind of way we let him know that we did want him.
When I compare my sitch then to what many people on this board are going through I had it easy. My H responded to being wanted. And a friend at work had just been to Retrouvaille and recommended it highly, so we signed up for a weekend in January. There wasn't a lot of time for us to wander around in the dark before we were given direction.
With After the Affair, we read it in shifts before the Retrouvaille weekend. When I say we discussed it, there is some exaggeration there. I showed him parts that I thought spoke to our situation and he either concurred or disagreed. Specifically, I thought he blamed me for his affair and I pointed out the parts where she says no one makes you have an affair. I believe he was quiet in response. And we did the test on how often the couple should have sex. He didn't mind discussing that. But we didn't finish the book because the Retrouvaille work and its homework took over. They gave us a lot of material to discuss and consider and it worked better than a book.
