I have the same problem, but haven't been at it so long. My husband's affair started at this time last year, and went until December, 2006. We went to Retrouvaille together, and the weekend there helped us very much. But the problem, as I see it is forgiveness. We have not fully made that step yet. There is a section of Divorce Busting that deals with forgiveness that explains well how a failure to forgive holds the person who doesn't forgive prisoner. And Michele's paper on this website about forgiveness is also good. But it's not an easy step. And the hard part is that we BOTH need to forgive each other. He still holds on to the petty resentments that sent him into OW's bed, and I hold on to the thought that he wanted to go there.
But as we get closer, and a happy father's day yesterday was a good step, I think of it less. I know that he can contact her whenever he wants, though he swears he has not since mid-December. It is time and patience, and working at forgiveness. If we don't forgive, then we can not trust. And if we don't trust, then we can't move forward. There's more work to be done here.
I agree. Avoid the medication, it doesn't solve the problem. If you and your husband can attend a Retrouvaille weekend (there are some international ones), it would be very beneficial. See http://www.retrouvaille.org. They understand because they are not counselors, they are other couples who have been through a broken marriage and have healed to become stronger than before.
And the third thing that helped. He bought me a beautiful necklace. He used to buy me nice jewelry when we were young and in love, but in the last few years he's said things like "you have enough jewelry" and refused to buy me any. But last month, one afternoon while window shopping for fun, we went into a jewelry store and he bought me a beautiful sapphire necklace. I haven't taken it off since. It meant a lot to me that he wanted to buy me something nice, and I wear it everyday to remind both of us that he loves me.
Sara, I ahve not read your thread ,but was curious as to what kinda insight you can give me as to what went thru your H's head while the affair? Did he live w/ her? My H says he may be physically overthere at OW house,.but his mind is constantly over here w/us. what was his input on the book " After the affair". I have the book too and H has skimmed thru it while doing some "bathroom" reading but he has not mentioned it.
Well said!! Except my H's Ow is beautiful according to my kids and my kids cousin. She is my opposite in so many GOOD ways!! I try to not let this get to me but at time it does.. I am short ,she is tall, long legs,loves sports just like the next GUY and understands and gets it!She is a lawyer student and is 8 years younger than me.
I don't have a thread. I haven't figured out how to use this website, and when I tried to start a new topic it came out in the middle of someone else's thread. So I've just been posting where I feel I have some insight.
I don't know exactly what my H was thinking, but he says he felt rejected by me. He thought I didn't want him anymore, so he started to move on. He hadn't moved out yet when I discovered the affair and confronted him with it. I think he was stunned by the strong reaction that not just I, but also our three grown kids, had to the affair. I guess in a backward kind of way we let him know that we did want him.
When I compare my sitch then to what many people on this board are going through I had it easy. My H responded to being wanted. And a friend at work had just been to Retrouvaille and recommended it highly, so we signed up for a weekend in January. There wasn't a lot of time for us to wander around in the dark before we were given direction.
With After the Affair, we read it in shifts before the Retrouvaille weekend. When I say we discussed it, there is some exaggeration there. I showed him parts that I thought spoke to our situation and he either concurred or disagreed. Specifically, I thought he blamed me for his affair and I pointed out the parts where she says no one makes you have an affair. I believe he was quiet in response. And we did the test on how often the couple should have sex. He didn't mind discussing that. But we didn't finish the book because the Retrouvaille work and its homework took over. They gave us a lot of material to discuss and consider and it worked better than a book.
I totally understand where you are coming from my H had an affair with a coworker, and there had even been talk of marriage. I do believe that she had been the instigator, my h had very little experiance with women, and I did know her, and had been out with her, and she was always on the prowl even though she was also married. I can't say its easy getting past this, because its not, but it can be done! With each day that passes she becomes less of an issue, I am not so focused on her, because as others have said then she would still be in control, and I wount give her that! So you have to work at not focusing on her, everytime one of those thoughts comes into your head you have to conciously replace it with another better thought, and slowly it will become less and less of an issue.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Sara and the others have given you really good insights, I think. I also found the book "After the Affair" helpful, although I probably ought to be reading something called "During the Affair", as my H's affair continues, albeit perhaps not with the level of passion that destroyed my marriage.
What has been most helpful to me, in ridding myself (though not completely) of obsessive thoughts about the OW, has been a change of job. When my H's affair began, I was working in the public library in the lowest possible position, shelving books. There, in all that silence, in my relatively isolated position, I found my mind spinning round and round my situation, dwelling on every slight, every pain--devising smart remarks and diabolical revenge. Fortunately, when I was promoted to librarian, I had a good deal more to fill my mind. I had people to talk to and joke with, and patrons seeking help for a wide variety of problems. It gave me a feeling of self-respect to help the homeless people who came to me. I felt that I could really change lives for the better, and I worked hard at it.
I can't say that I've got the OW out of my mind, but days go by without a thought of her. I wish I could say that she was beneath my consideration, but, in time, it could happen.
A hobby is only good if it can really occupy your mind and give you back your self-esteem. Don't ever discount the power of finding yourself useful in some capacity.
nextsteps_4us - think my hubby came under your point 4!!I have ordered a couple of the bks recommended by people.
Thanks to all of you for your comments and book advice etc. Sara and limbo, I think my sitch sounds so similar to yours.
It has been such a comfort to log on this evening and find that I have responses, (and such great ones at that), to help me along. I really wished I had found this site a year ago. Would love to talk and keep in contact with some of you more but not quite sure how to do that!!
Thanks soooooo.... much to all of you for the life line you are giving me.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
