NikkiB #17

[NikB]

Dave, Cliffy, Donna, ST - thanks for checking in!

Dave
I've seen you talk about the "cave" before and I like that analogy - thank you for mentioining it here because I should really think of it like that.

Thanks for the reminder about the changes, too. I got thinking about it today and one of my big changes was going out with that meetup.com group. Well, it was a singles group, so I stopped doing that once H got home. I already felt awkward about it when we were separated even though it wasn't a dating group, but I felt REALLY awkward about it when he came home. Anyway he made some kind of a comment over the weekend about me giving up all my new friends and not going out much anymore. Of all the people I met I only really made friends with one woman, the one I went out with the other night, but I realized he's right - those meetups were getting me out with other people. It was too easy to drop it when he came home - it wasn't a regular part of me quite yet.

One thing I've always admired, and told him I admire, is how great he is at making and keeping friends, staying in touch with them, etc. (well except there's that ONE I wish he'd lose contact with!! ) . Anyway I said something about not having my friend's phone number because we mostly email and he was almost "coaching" me - "You should put her number in your cell phone, then you can call her to go out and do things spontaneously. Like we could invite her to go out to the movies with us tonight if you wanted." There was more to it but you get the gist. The whole time he just sounded very serious, like this was an extremely important subject. Even when I kind of joked about it at one point (about me not thinking to put her # in my cell phone, joked "Hey I AM blond") - he got a little agitated and would repeat his point. I dunno, hard to explain, but I could definitely feel that this was very important to him. And I realized it is also important to me, too. I don't have a lot of friends to go out with, so meetup.com is kind of weird because it's always strangers - but I guess every friend starts off as a stranger eh??

So long story short, there it was right in front of my face, I lost sight of one of my most important changes. Fortunately for me, there are a number of new meetups I just found out about that started recently that are NOT singles ones but look like a lot of fun and are very active - so it will be easy for me to get back into doing that BUT without going to a singles thing.

Donna
Thanks! Yeah, I know how to stay up with the tension - seem to have forgotten for a couple of weeks, but I'm feeling better about it now. Interesting analogy about the boy you mentioned. I learned that in college psych class, and I remember thinking "No way could your mind really do that to you" - even though I know it can.

Cliffy
I love the horse analogy, thanks. My H spent a long time (he says) trying to "lead by example" in our M and I never really saw it until after the bomb. Time for me to remember to follow his lead on those things he's good at - and hope he follows mine on the things I'm doing right.

ST and cliffy
My dad liked the dinners I think, although he's been eating really unhealthy (even after the heart attack!!) and I think they looked a little "health food" for him. He doesn't seem to be taking the heart attack as the wake up call we all hoped for, but at least I know he's got a number of healthy dinners to pick from now!

ST
On my dad - "someday he'll get it" - boy do I wish that was true but I'm doubting it more than ever. Their 12 year anniversary is next week and he got her this really mushy card and tickets for them to go to a concert together (one of her favorite artists so it's a nice gesture but still... ). And you know how normally you'd give someone the pair of tickets? I think he's planning to only give her one and keep the other one. He's also upset because "I keep inviting her to go see this movie with me but she just won't commit to it." sigh. Oh and the latest one - for the last 2-3 years they've taken a week long family vacation to a dude ranch near here. My stepmom and little sis LOVE it and really bond there, Dad isn't so much into the horses so he doesn't like it as much. They had already paid for this year. Last week, Dad tried to talk her into cancelling that and taking a family vacation to Hawaii (the 3 of them) instead. Uuuuuugh. He seemed totally baffled why she said "No way" to that plan. She's even still open to him going along on the dude ranch thing if he wants, they all have dinner together every Friday after sis's dance class, and she wrote him a really nice father's day card and signed it "Love, [stepmom's name]." He has NO idea how good his sitch could be if he'd just try... GAL and fix the things she's asked him to fix, and I truly think she'd be back (and I KNOW he'd be happier).

Thanks about the staring thing. I thought it went pretty well too. It took me quite awhile to figure out how to bring it up. I probably should have done it more as a statement than a question like I did, but I think it was ok.

You know what - I hadn't even THOUGHT about that maybe the encouraging/praising is coming off as patronizing, but that could be. I don't mean it that way for sure, but that's really something to consider. Anyone have any ideas on a "180" I could do there?? Ignoring the good stuff definitely doesn't seem like a good idea to me - but there's got to be other ways to convey that he's good at something, thank him for things he's done, etc. Any ideas?? I'll try it and see what happens.

Feeling much much better today, finally. I had my plan laid out before but didn't feel very confident about it - now I do, which is a great feeling!!