Stillme's Chapters Continue Some More

[stillme]

Originally Posted By: stillme
*sigh* H just did another "Can I talk to you outside?".

Hey, is it positive or negative that he brings it up? Why does he bring it up? He can't be too far gone IMHO. He is not doing what someone who really has moved on and made up his mind would do, which is just file and serve the damn thing and decide on his own about the Ls vs mediators, and all the other details.

It's positive that he brings it up. But it's negative in that (yeah, assuming, but I DO know how the man thinks) he only (or mostly) offers the choice so that, if agree that Mediation is the better way to go b/c it's an implied that I will "work w/him" (ie., consider that HE knows how do D best), feels pretty darn confident that his D-Plan will be acknowledged by all (He STILL thinks a Mediator will "tell me" how it SHOULD be) and, if I throw any kinks in it (by, say, arguing that alimony IS warranted; or that a 50/50 custody split is not reasonable, really possible, nor legally done - at least in FL - anymore), the Ugliness will then be MY fault. I cannot win here, and i know it.

hy does he bring it up? He wants - probably NEEDS this to be a Joint thing b/c of the kids (how he's perceived now, but esp later when they are older & can understand who "did" it), b/c of family/friends (same thing - appearance is very important to him; and, really, he IS [was] a basically Good Guy); he wants/needs to feel like he hasn't "ruined" my life. If I make this or any decision W/him, that burden is lifted from his shoulders. No doubt there's alot of the feelings/thoughts that I have/had thru this and the idea of D'ing thru a "sit down together" Mediation rather than an ugly L/fighting in Court thing helps to ease those feelings: sadness for the failed R/M, guilt, anxiousness, fear etc.

Finally, if we had even $10K cash in the bank, I positively know that he would have taken some of it to a L already & started the process. H is so financially, I don't know, "responsible"?? that he cannot/willnot/does not WANT to go into debt for this D. (And, if he hasn't seen a L, he doesn't even know the worst of it I'm afraid.) Since there is no savings, and since I don't have the steady or higher income (yet), he will (maybe knows this) most likely be asked by me to pay MY L fees as well. OMG! This is something he cannot get around in his head.

On a more pos. note: It's true, I believe, that he has not "really moved on" in his head. But I think the main thing holding him back is the $$, not any feelings or thoughts about me or our M. He's showing signs of getting back into life (gym sev times that I know if; doing jj tournaments, if not actual classes b/c of his knee; helping to coach the boy's jj classes; even went out w/the guy to the sports bar 3? wks ago to watch a UFC fiht), but still puts most of his efforts (aside from his time-demanding job) into the kids. He does not Act "gone" in his head or his heart (OW/suddenly getting a night life or whatever), but that's not to say he's not planning & looking orward to it. (I do remember he told me soon after the D-bomb: [in tears w/real anguish] "Sometimes I wished I COULD just DO something so that you'd realize how much I'm gone & you'd have no hope for us anymore." I have NEVER asked a "Is there someone else?" question, but it was in the 'I haven't felt loved in such a long time' context of the convos.

It's all so sad - and you're right. He is a hard nut.

Thanks for the input & support everyone. It sure does mean alot. I'm off soon to teach a session. Will check in later.