wecome to my nightmare 2

[Concerned_Listener]

Husband,
We're in somewhat similar situations. Our W's are starting to show signs of wanting to connect. This presents itself with it's own set of rewards and challenges.

I hope the "ice continues to melt" for her. Your trip with your son sounded magical and provided a well-needed break for you.

You're more willing to try to influence the R than I am, and show your interest in her. It's like you've decided you want her for your girlfriend, and are going to win over her affections. I'm more hesitant to do that, because she's still sleeping elsewhere. We each know what's best for our situations, or make mistakes, and try again.

As hard as it is, it seems like our R's are where they probably need to be. Our W's have to change and find their own happiness, we have to learn to be more independent without our W's, and a better partner, and we have to create a different way of relating with our spouse.

It does have the feel of dating again, with the inherent excitement of the unknown, and a gamesmanship aspect involving deciding how much to pursue, and when to let her have her space. At this point, it's about each person cultivating happiness in their lives, and being grateful when there is connection. At some point, just like in dating, we will have to learn how to integrate conflict into the R. It's too soon for that for each of us.

Good luck to you! You are certainly still in the game.

CL

[Dr LOve]

Hey CL
Thanks for the pep talk. I am soo confused right now. I just don't know what I want anymore. If it was not for my son I would be ready to say "see ya later" to the W. When we first got back she was distant. Seemed to warm up a little as the day progressed. Yesterday not one Happy fathers day. Even the store clerk (who I don't even know) said it to me. The W did take my son out to get me something. Then we went to the cemetery to put flowers on my and her dad’s graves. (My suggestion something we have never did). Our daughters came with us. It was nice. Afterwards my daughters stayed at the house and I BBQ some burgers. It was nice outside so we ate them in the patio. My son and two daughters. The W stayed in the house. (Now she is on a diet, and was not going to eat burgers with us but to no sit with us. Or just came out and say.” I would sit with you guys but I don't want to be tempted". Nothing. Now I was a little emotional yesterday. I miss my dad so much. It has been over 20 years since he died but I wish he was here right now to help me with my sitch. Ya see I have no body to talk to. No one in the family knows about it. My W calls the OM and can lean on him> (I guess I have not looked at the phone records are a while, Andyv made me promise). But I have no one. I do believe if her family knew what was going on it would end one way or another sooner. But there is know way they can find out without me telling them. And I know that would really piss off the W. I almost called the OM the other day. I would threaten him NOT to tell my W I called or the Photo's would be sent to his home and work. But I fought the Urge.
I can not imagine what you are going through with your W sleeping elsewhere. But I almost wish my W would. At least I could get pissed at her have a reason not to care if she gets mad if I tell her family what she has done. But she wants to be room mates. I'm not in heaven or hell I’m stuck in purgatory.

Husband

[Hope_11]

Husband,

Sorry to hear about all the mixed signals that your w is giving you. Our spouses are just so confused.

I tried to tell my h "see ya later" yesterday because I am not holding on any longer. He has been seeing ow for 8 months and we have no children. He left my house after I told him that I'm done and in just 5 hours, he called me because he was second guessing himself. Then, he got mad at me because I stopped to wish his father a Happy Father's Day. Unreal! If our spouse's would channel all this anger in the right direction, maybe something would change for the better. As far as my sitch, as long as h is still involved with ow, I am done, I am moving on. If she is so great, why doesn't he just be with her and leave me the h$ll alone and stop putting me through this. I feel like I am living in purgatory also.

[Concerned_Listener]

Husband,
Would you consider an individual counselor? I've been seeing one for about two years. It helps to have someone get to know you on an intimate level. It helps to know someone is rooting for you, and cares about your well-being. I only go monthly at this point, but I find it essential.

CL

[Dr LOve]

Yes CL I have gone but what WE need is to go together. In the near future I am going to bring this up agian. Even if the insu. does not pay.

husband

[Dr LOve]

My horoscope
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You are weary of too much talk, for now it's time for concrete action. Unfortunately, you may be hesitant to fully express your own power. Some restraint is advisable, as exploding onto the scene with your newly found direction won't work. Instead, try moving with determination and conviction. And remember, if you are willing to lose a few battles along the way, you'll increase your chances of winning the war.

Husband

[andyv]

There you go Husband,

Your Horoscope said it all.

Let her go for now (you have lost this battle), and by doing this, you will get her back (win the war).

The determination and conviction is your PMA and working on yourself and believing that you will eventually win the war.

How freaky is that.

[andyv]

What did Aries have?

[WAW in the OC]

Hi Mat,

I've been reading a little regarding quotes that fit my sitch and my W's behavior. She's always complained that I didn't pay attention to her and made her feel insignificant/inferior. I didn't, in fact, her brothers both told me that she treated me like sh$t and they wouldn't put up with her if they were married to her.

What I say to that is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt" No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". PMA, GAL and act as if all explain this. No matter what my wife does, I have control of my Attitude. She can't make me feel a certain way unless I let her. Even though I know she's w/ OM, she doesn't control my PMA.

Keep strong, the aliens that took our Spouses may one day return them. I am not waiting for that day, I am seeking legal action and interviewing attnies. I don't want to let her decide my fate.

[Dr LOve]

What's up andyv.

Not much happen here. Trying to clean up the yard for the party. I really let it go for the last 2 months. (Didn't know if I was still going to be living here). So I guess if my W "just wants to be room mates". It does mean there is no commitment and I can "date". I just feel that right now I hold all of the "morals" cards. I want so badly for the family to know what is going on.
I have been e-mailing a female "friend" she is having problems in her marriage and is actually the one who had the "affair". We were communicating pretty much everyday. I think I was starting to have an EA with her. It was nice having a Female that would listen to me vent and she would tell me things that were bothering her. We even told each other things that probably only a husband and wife should be discussing. If she lived closer it would have been so easy for the sitch to get out of hand. In helping her with her marriage I finely convinced her to stop seeing the OM. But then I started realizing that I was becoming the OM in my mind at least. I don't think she had any real feelings for me.
I have not "talked to her since my return. She knows I come here so she may be reading this.
Even though it seems to have been a one way relationship she did help me get through some tuff emotional times. I am not going to e-mail her for a while but I must admit that I check my e-mail constantly hoping she will try to contact me again. I am just so screwed up. My mind is going in several directions. At one point I was even thinking about telling my wife if she wants to see the OM once in a while if this would save our marriage go ahead. What the hell was I thinking? I don't like living day by day. When this first surfaced My W did not want anything to happen until my son was out of school because of his emotional problems. Told My W that I was thinking about spreading out my vacation time and working 1/2 days so my son would not have to be in day care all day. She told me I should wait until the last two week before school starts because there is no day care then and it would save us from having to get a sitter. Ok so this means she is planning on being together when school starts again?
Our 17th anniversary is next month. I wonder what is going to happen then. I can't see me sitting around while the family gives us cards and stuff for a marriage that does not exist.

Sorry I know this post probably does not make sense. I'm just sort of venting

Husband