I already do that type of thing. If I am over at the house or if we are talking and I see/hear of something that I can take care of I take care of it. She's really appreciating that initiative and it seems to be really helping us in our relationship. It's also helping me feel a lot better about who I am trying/wanting to be, the family patriarch. Admittedly it really influences how I feel about myself because I am providing for and caring for my family.
As for the asking thing, she understood where I was coming from in that I am not around the house or the family as much so it's difficult to just "see" what needs to be done. So her "having" to ask me is understood. She's also trying to be independent too and I realize that as well. So the end result is we are getting to a really good balance point between my self identification and her requests. What I have to really focus on as well is execution and not trying to take on too much which makes it look like I am doing nothing or not getting it done. So for me managing expectations via managing the task list is really big too.
Now recent activity:
This morning I met her at the house to give her a ride to the office. When I suggested this yesterday she was a little reluctant to accept, but she did anyway. This morning she was very appreciative because it took a stress off of her to worry about airport parking and transportation. One reason I offered was her car. I plan on taking her car and having it detailed for her while she's gone, actually may do it myself. It's a mess and she apologized about it's appearance last night while driving to dinner.
As for our morning, it was nice and we chatted the whole way to her office. I did bring up I noticed her tires wear getting fairly worn and I'd research new ones for her. This got her to tell me all about other issues she's having with the car. Of course I am taking all of that as a "request" of sorts and will run with it. To her credit she's done a really good job handling servicing on the car and I've made a point to compliment her on it as well.
Last thing, she and I discussed her trip while we were driving to the office this morning. She's got to make 7 or so people redundant on Wednesday which isn't easy. I told her I realized it would be a difficult day and I'm here if she wants or needs an ear for support. She really appreciated the offer and responded such that I somewhat expect to hear from her after she's done.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
sounds like my wife; used to drop hints that she wants things done.. but never actually asks... and so avoided having to be grateful to me for anything, because after all she didnt "ask"... sigh.
difficult to build up positive feelings with a person like that. but sounds like you're doing a good job, at leat way to go
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Yes she does ask. In fact I have a short list of stuff for this week while she's out. Of course she's somewhat reluctant too because she wants to be independent as well. But like I said we are both getting to a good point of understanding and balance.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
So a quick update. Her flight out of Dulles was cancelled last night so the airline booked her on another flight on Virgin going 1st class. Life's tough eh?
Well I think this might be somewhat important because she sent me a text telling me about her humorous travel issues. This has lead to a continual TM thread between us. Lots of laughs that we are sharing.
So why do I think this is somewhat important? Well she initiated it for one, it's not about the kids, work, the house, finances or anything else business related, its just silly stuff friends share with one another. Or couples share with one another.
So I've been asking, well praying, that she starts with some little contact initiation and this qualifies. Now I hope it's a small step we can build on.
Got to say it's been a funny story nonetheless. Life's rough when you get bumped to a Virgin 1st class ride on a 747. Would you believe they have in air massage therapists for 1st class!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well a few more text messages and emails, poor woman still hasn't gotten to her hotel. She's giving me a high level blow by blow now and it's a trip from hell other than her 1st class flight to London.
Nice that she keeps contacting me about it all.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I mentioned earlier that on Sunday the sermon was about Love. Specifically about how God loves and is love while human's much show or give love to receive it.
Well this got me to thinking about my current situation. So I am experimenting with showing/giving love to see if it helps my wife feel love and then also give love. It's probably a bit too early to even consider anything as a result but there does seem to be an acceptance of sorts by her on receiving. Or at least a positive acceptance of the attitude I am taking.
So anyone familiar with my situation, please chime in with your thoughts, a good strategy or not?
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
1) She was "unhappy". 2) Felt we didn't have our own lives. 3) Felt she gave all she could give and had nothing left to give. "The tank is empty." 4) Felt suffocated by my dependency. 5) Felt we had no relationship
Specifically she felt we didn't have our own lives, we did EVERYTHING together. Which killed individual identity and created an atmosphere of co-dependency. This also created stress on our relationship. She felt she was giving and not receiving anything back. With that she had given so much there was nothing else to give. She didn't feel the love coming back to her but she felt she was giving all she could to show love.
So my thoughts are she first needs to feel love and loved. She's actually said this directly and indirectly. She said she wants to feel appreciated, protected and cared for but not worshiped. By showing love I am addressing the very specific issue around the foundation of her reason to walk away.
Things I am doing are a) assisting with home and car maintenance, b) being open to assisting her in any way, c) identifying things before she mentions them, d) acknowledging what she is doing and showing appreciation for her actions, d) occasionally doing little things that show love and affection. Things I call the "sweet nothings" of life. Things like surprising her with a card, bath gel and scented lotion to create her own home spa experience. But the biggest thing I am doing is in attitude I don't expect anything back from my actions, I am doing them because I WANT to do them.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
way to go