Letting Go of My WAW

[SuperDad]

Guys,
Thanks so much for the feedback and input. To answer:

SD just got one of the most positive things I've heard in a while in his effort to reach his ultimate goal - his WAW is struggling with leaving him to move to Texas, and had said she wasn't going to do it. Correct me if I am wrong SD, but isn't that part of what you want - her to stay in FL (and to keep your kids here)?

Ultimate goal is a big statement. My goal is to follow my "path with heart" and to keep my family together while doing that. For now, that means that we stay in Florida. So yeah, this would be a huge breakthrough if she sticks to her decision.

Setting boundaries for what really matters is not getting ugly per se, but pulling back the financial help he has offered previously her (reneging on that agreement, making her feel threatened and vulnerable) will likely turn things to a more volatile state.

My offer to let her move was based upon my committment to do what will make me and the kids happiest in the long run, not just today or tomorrow. That means that I was willing to be away from them a lot in the next year or so and to spend a ton of $ on travel between FL and TX if that was what I needed to do to avoid a costly legal battle (in terms of emotion and $).

Originally Posted By: theoden
You can tell her, "I want to move to Texas, and this is my time frame. It may not match yours, but if we cooperate, I think we can both get what we are looking for, regardless of the outcome of our relationship."

Lay boundaries. Remain strong and stable. Keep the door open.

I agree boundaries are entirely appropriate at times, but I'm nots sure this is about boundaries. She is deciding what she wants to do, and what boundary can you set about her moving to Texas. Can you really stop her? What line would you draw? You can't really say, "no, you have to go ahead and move to Austin unless you commit to ending all contact with OM." How are you going to enforce that?

I did not tell her what to do, only what MYboundaries are:
1. I am not moving out of our house.
2. I am not willing to live with her in the same house while she openly pursues A's in front of me.

This leaves a lot of room for her to decide what she needs to do. For example:
* She can continue to email/IM to her heart's desire.
* She can get a job and move into an appartment nearby.
* She can stay in the house and wallow in self pity until she decides to take action?
* She can start to examine why she has been and is so unhappy with her life, and do something about it!

I am hoping for the later, but know I can do little about it. I know that she needs help of a therapist and am worried that she is suffering from depression. I am going to re-read the DR section on this today.

I also am glad to hear the support for just giving her space to make her decisions.

Finally, I obviously need to work much harder on my active listening skills and do a better job of validating. Will ask IC for tips on this tomorrow!

Thanks again for the support,
SD