It was a good fathers day. I was able to be with my children all day, that's paradise. Excellent food and lots of laughs.
I'm working on giving her space, even while I'm there. I stay away from her.
My children are still anxious. Last night I was setting up my "bed" on the sofa. My S14 came down for a glass of water and saw my day bag sitting on the floor. Immediately anxious, asking where I'm going. I told him I had to leave early in the morning so I was sleeping down here and needed my things with me so I won't disturb everyone in the morning. He stood there for a few more minutes, looking around so I said, it's just my day bag man, stuff I need for work tomorrow, nothing more. He relaxed a bit, got a drink and went to bed. I know he was worried that I was leaving again.
Lying sucks. Leaving sucks but lying about the state of things as I stay sucks as well.
My D10 and D6 were sleeping in my bed with W. This is their routine, no big deal, after bathes they lay in bed with W to mellow out watching some TV and falling asleep. I thought they were out, so I went in to get some things and grab a blanket. D10 wakes up and says, "dad, I'm going to my bed soon, you don't have to go anywhere, you can sleep here, I'm going to my room."
Hard to explain but that killed me. The look on her face and anxiety in her voice and body language wasn't from putting me out. It was from in some way thinking that maybe some of this is her fault? I can't explain it but I just felt it at that moment. D10 wanted everything to be okay, me in my bed with W, and I think in some way she was fearful that her being in my bed was making it so that can't happen.
I don't know if that makes sense or not?
I'm focusing on not chasing, giving space, being agreeable, happy and positive.
One thing I realized is that I am up against the challenge of her divorced friend. Dr. Diane Medved mentioned in her book that sometimes the challenge isn't another man/woman in a romantic form, but in the form of a divorced friend that is subconciously envious of her married friends marriage and will do what she can to sabotage the marriage. The divorced friend will paint a grass is greener picture for the married person. I know this has/does happen. One of my W's friends let me know that "L", the divorced friend she spends all her time with, has mentioned in front of others when W has said "I have to get going it's late", basically L's standard response is, "wouldn't it be great to not have to worry about it, to be able to stay out as long as you want and not have to answer to anyone?" When my W's other friends called L on that saying W is married, L has changed her tune and now just makes it a point to let W know, that L is still planning to stay out after W goes home because L "is a grown woman and can do what she wants".
Whatever. L is a 40 year old grown woman still 'hooking up' at bars, living in a tiny apartment, with 2 small children that are miserable and being raised by her sister and babysitters. Crying on the phone to my W when those wonderful 'hookups' she meets tag, bag and don't call again.
