My marriage is hopeless IV

[Hope_11]

So, I assume (ikes!) many of you will judge, but I am starting to consider dating. I just don't see why not. My husband is actively giving up everything (me, seeing kids every day, our home is for sale, all our friends, etc) for this affair and he continues it everyday. I have to expect the worst and hope for the best, but that could be a very long time. I just don't know what to do.

I feel exactly the same way. I am starting to consider dating. My h has been involved with ow for eight months and is actually living with her. I told my mil that I need the divorce so I can move on with my life. She said why do you need those papers just move on with your life now. Date if you want. Don't let him hold you back, but let the divorce go for right now. So in other words my mil is telling me to go ahead and be unfaithful to her son, but don't divorce him yet.

I say this "i can understand my H having an affair, I can even forgive and learn from it." But how do you forgive the continuation of this at the expense of everyone you love? This continuation of the A just sometimes seems too much to forgive. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I just supposed to wait until she dumps my H and then hope he'll take me back? Well, I'm sorry - I think I deserve better.

I feel the exact same way. Like I said my h has been having an affair for 8 months. He told me 7 months ago, so he has been having this affair right under my nose. I am really starting to think that it is too much to forgive. The longer mine drags out the more lies I find out about and the harder it is for me to trust him. I have been waiting for ow to dump my h for months but her comment was "I have more to gain than lose if I get to keep you in the end". I think she forgot to mention that she doesn't care how many lives she destroys on the way. She's going to hold on until my m is over and then she is going to take my h for a ride.

[nextsteps_4us]

I feel the same way. For months I have been sitting back and being as strong as possible as I watch my wife make decisions based on her 'feelings' for the OM.

Then one night we were together with the kids, and she suggested getting them dinner, so we were driving past 'tgi fridays' and I suggested it. She said 'you don't want to go there'. Apparently the OM has a friend that works there, and its a big hang out place for him and his friends.

OK. this is where everything changed for me. It sounds stupid, but its the straw the broke the camels back. If my wife wants to date a guy that hangs out at a TGI Fridays, fine. I honestly hope she finds happiness, but i'm not going to sit around and hope for her to come back to me while she explores a relationship with another man (especially one that hangs out at tgifridays). All these WAWs feel like they have us to fall back on. I'm done, she made her decisions, I'm better than that.

I told her yesterday, that I understand that she is confused right now (based on her telling me that recently), but i can't do it anymore, her words and her actions are saying different things to me. I am tired of feeling like I did something wrong, when I haven't done anything wrong.(when she gets in a funk because she is 'stuck' in our relationship). I just want the best for the kids, and i need to move on. I told her I hope she finds happiness, and her and him end up happy together.


the end.

[hope4whatsbest]

Husband,

I am like you. I want to talk about issues. Fix them. That was for months ago, I'm learning. My husband tells me straight up that talking about this is making it worse. So I must wait, its the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

If and when he ever recommits, the talking will come then, if I'm still in a place I want to work on it.

Hopeless,

Let's just do whats best for us. If "dating" helps us to get through this phase, and to DB more because we'll "care less" about what they're doing, then for now that's what I'm going to try. It doesn't mean I'll be out having sex, i'll just be spending time with men seeing how to relate, etc. I have another ten months at least before my divorce can be final. At times, I feel like my hubby plans to wait until the 11th hour, just to buy himself as much time as he can. Maybe that's wishful thinking - maybe he's never coming back. Only God knows.

Let go and Let God. It really does apply!

[25yearsmlc]

dear Husband,

No one says you should not address a problem. We're saying that sometimes there are ways to address problems OTHER than talking about them, AND some people are really turned off and not at all helped by talking about issues. They are much more interested in behaviors, actions, etc. or are simply not that verbal.

Hey, If R talk is working for you, go for it. But since you are here struggling with it, I assume doing No R talk is a 180 for you. So keep doing it, b/c you know that talking about the R did not help and so far, that's the only thing you've tried.

Really re-read the underlying theories that support the whole solution based approach to therapy, as opposed to discovering the "why's" of it all...figure out what you are doing when you are happy and just doing more of it....sounds so simple, and yet can be quite difficult.

just food for thought.
j-

[EmtnRllrCstr]

Had counseling last night with my W and her counselor. This is D counseling. You have me, and then my W and her counselor. Her counselor seems to be backing my W getting the D and trying to help us make the best out of this sitch. Her counselor is telling me that I have never meet my W needs and ERC she told you she would never open-up to you or be vulnerable again to you that is why you are not seeing her grieve the A. Yeah....I should have kept my mouth shut about me feeling the A is still ongoing....I was going to... I was actually going to be leaving the office in a minute and I had to open my big mouth.

I was actually pretty upset when I left the office knowing that this Christian counselor is not trying to get us to reconcile. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. It felt like she was accepting my W choice and is going to help us make the best of it.

How/When do I get to the point where I accept this and tell my W that her decision is OK, when I do not believe D is an option?

When my girls get married, How do I tell them that D is not an option?

I need a break from all of this. Wouldn't it be nice if we could hit the pause button on life so we can take a break and recharge.

-ERC

[EmtnRllrCstr]

I forgot to mention this it but it sounds like we are going to be doing counseling every other week for a while.

[NewHorizons]

ERC,

Ask the counselor point blank if she is for or against divorce. Take that answer and find another if she doesn't match your belief system.

OTB

[Hope_11]

Sorry to hear that things didn't go so well ERC. Don't beat yourself up over bringing up the affair. You didn't do anything wrong, she did. You bringing up the affair is not going to cause your marriage to end.... your w's behavior and her avoidance of dealing with the affair are. I think all of us LBS beat ourselves up way too much. I am doing it right now. My H got very upset with me for visiting his father on Father's Day. At first, I thought that I shouldn't have done that or I should have lied, but then I think about it and decide that then I would be just as bad as him. We are all good people, who never did anything bad enough to end a marriage over. We do our best everyday in dealing with this h$ll on earth and we all have slip ups but we are human and we make mistakes. My H actually told me that if I wouldn't have talked to his mom and sis, we could have maybe worked things out. I should have said to him that maybe if you weren't living with another woman, we could have worked things out. WTH?

I don't know when we get to the point of accepting. I am still not ready to accept D, but I am the one that told my H to proceed with it. I think there is a point where moving on looks like the best thing for us when our spouses just continue to destroy our marriages, themselves, and us. At this point, I don't think that my H will ever become the type of man that I want to be with. If the OW wants him like this, I say let her have him. She helped create this monster and I'm done. They can have each other. I still love my H very much and don't want a D, but sometimes we don't get what we want. I keep thinking this is what God thinks should happen, at least I hope.

[MikeinMidland2]

ERC,

I tried MC with my W's IC. She at least had one session with me solo, to get my side of the story. Still, it felt like I was there to be convinced that the marriage was over. This was also a so-called Christian counselor.

(btw, Did you know that the divorce rate among ministers is exactly the same as the general population?)

You can ask the counselor whether she is opposed to divorce, but you already know the answer. The only question is--will your W agree to go to MC with a different counselor? My guess is no.

So, you need to ask yourself why you are being invited, and why you would go. Your W's best motive would be to make things as good as possible for your girls. Go for that reason.

But also go for this reason: this is one more place you can demonstrate that you are a good father and a good man. Be the most reasonable and empathetic person you know how to be.

I don't mean give in to her demands, monetary or otherwise. You certainly don't want to negotiate the settlement in front of her counselor (and she is HER counselor).

Don't mention the A or OM again. Bring up things like, "What do we tell our daughters on their wedding day about what their vows mean?"

Leave the settlement stuff to the lawyers. "You are sueing me. When people get sued, they get a lawyer, and they listen to that lawyer's advice. I'm sorry that it came to this, but I'm not the one who filed for divorce."

Mike

[faithisbelieving]

Why is it that we on the inside still want to help and meet the needs of our W's?

....fear. Men, many times, fear their W's. Fear of their responses to our comment's...fear of their reactions....if you are going to get into a fight, why bother? or not doing something. Or....hope.

I agree with MinM. There are two choices here:
-sit back, listen and do nothing, or
-get a new MC

How would your W react? Sadly, it is hard to find a C that is totally pro M. IMO, they should never quit. When one of those IC's give our WAS's the "I think you should go find your happiness' comments, I think they bang a BIG nail in the coffin. Remember ERC...she's a big girl (yeah, acting like a teenager), but, we can't fix 'em and they have to make their own decisions. I like MinM's responses tho'.

I don't like to hijack, but, to the other's posting here. My W had a tryst last fall. You all must make a decision here. If your S's came back to you tomorrow, admitting they've made a mistake, apologizing and wanting back, would you do so? Would you be able to forgive them if they agreed to counselling? If the answer is a resolute NO, then, I agree with 'quitting'. Not every marriage is meant to be saved. I still have to make the same decision about mine. However, if the answer is yes...there is a lot of work and patience still left in front of you and part of that is working on oneself and determining whether or not you can become 'more attractive' than the OP...can you 're-push' the attraction buttons. It takes time.

FIB