my wifes father passed away in Feb of 2006 she still has issues with that on top of her EA imediatly following. But yesterday she was over the top. I woke up and ate breakfast with my girls who told me happy Fathers day, I waited for a while as wife was being very quiet and seemed mad at me. I asked her what the plans were for the day and got a very abrupt answer about going to the cemetery (her fathers grave site). I asked her why she hadn't said "happy Fathers day" to me and why the distance and she told me "because YOUR NOT MY FATHER". man that hurt, I have always done something extra for her on mothers day with a card from the girls and one from me. I never expected this.
She's still processing her father's death. The correct response would have been "Ya know, I've been thinking alot about your dad today so if you want to talk about him a bit on this special day I'm open". and then gone on and celebrated with your kids. Just remember (I have to tell myself this alot) it's not all about you.
Thats just it I lost my father in 1988 and have told her repetedly that I am here to talk about anything that she might be going through. She won't talk at all, I have offered greif counciling, anything, but she will not have anything to do with it. she told me that on Fathers day that I should be upset too. And to some extent I am it is always a hard day even after all this time. I just don't know why she would be so hurtful towards me, by the way My 12 year old heard her say this.
My wife did the same type thing. Nothing from her to me for fathers day. I wanted to say something about it but decided to work it the way we have all read in DR/DB, don't ask a question that might give you an answer you don't want to hear. I left it alone. Had a great day with my kids and in-laws.
It was also my D10's birthday. Got home late from in-laws, W said she was going to go get ice cream so we could still do something special for D10, (we had a party for her Friday, but you know how kids are, Sunday was her actual b-day). Had ice cream, sang happy birthday and had a great time.
Got the kids in bed, I was making my bed on the sofa when I decided to check my e-mail. W had sent a commented in myspace, Happy Father's Day.
I'm glad I left it alone. Is it the same as other years? Not even close. In the past there were presents, nice cards with hand written letters inside. That was then, this is now. Things are different now, that's okay.
So maybe the lesson here is, don't ask. Leave it alone and see how it plays out. Maybe the come around and maybe they don't. Either way, I was prepared to be fine and thankful for what I did receive.
your'e right, I should have left it alone. it gets hard when you've been doig all the right (or think ) things and get no feedback from them. it is a lesson learned.
Agreed, one thing I have learned is this, I'm doing all the right things for me, because I should.
Yes, I still want to hear an attaboy, thank you, anything that would show some gratitude. It ain't coming any time soon if at all.
So I keep reminding myself that this is for me. This is what I should do.
I make it a funny script in my head. I hear Chris Rock's voice saying, "that's what you're supposed to do". I don't know if you are familiar with his standup, but that is from a part in one of his acts where he is talking about guys being so proud of not going to jail, paying child support or spending time with their kids. It's what your supposed to do, is the line Chris Rock keeps repeating.
This strategy has been helping me. Everytime I start to feel some urge to point out all I'm doing as part of my challenge to be a better man, I just hear Chris Rock's voice in my head, it's what you're supposed to do. LOL.
I just wanted to say that as someone who has lost my Dad fairly recently, Father's day is very hard, and it would be especially for you wife as this is still new. I find it so hard not to have him here, and to be honest I get alittle wrapped up in that, and didn't pay attention to H like i should have. I also find it hard facing the next day, and the people at work all talking about what they did with and for there Dad's. So its probably not really to do with you, she is dealing with her own issues that day. Brush it off, and move on as if!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Thanks Limbo, Sorry to hear of your loss. I think my biggest hurt is that she wont talk to me about it. I know people process greif in different ways and she has always been the "to Myself" kind of person. I just wonder if, in your opinion, this has anything to do with the sitch or is she using this to distance herself. She does have a habit of rewriting history and dwelling on "her" memory of how things were. As I stated before about the loss of my own father, it still gets tough for me even though it has been almost 20 years, mostly because he would be the one I want to talk to about being a dad and advice about all this. It dosen't consume me anymore but it does affect me. thanks again for your input.
I think the biggest thing is how close was she to her Dad, if there wasn't really a close relationship, then yes she could be using this to further distance herself. If she was close then maybe it is something that she will have to work threw on her own. I also wish my Dad was here, because in alot of ways I think that my sit wouldn't have happened if he was here, also if it did I know he would have kicked my H A**! I was an only child and my Dad would have killed anyone that hurt me.
How is she now, has anything changed since the weekend?
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Not so much we talked this morning and she seems to be the one detatching. I did tell her that I am here for her if she wants to talk and left it at that. some times on the phone when I talk to her she seems loving and soft then the next convo whether initiated by her or myself she has this cold short tone. I can't figure it out. I think she was close to her dad but it may have been onesided on her part, wanting to impress and seeking approval. it is almost like she wants me to pursue but gets mad when I do. Help??
