Not much time to post... I went to the gym and worked out for and hour and a half and I feel awesome.. I also told H if you are going to be ugly ....wait and hour and then call me .. He said OK ~ I am off to the Park with my kids..... I will not stay here and just dwell.... I am going to set MORE boundaries but this is my first!!!! GOD bless...
Thanks for your reply... I stepped on it "CRAZY TRAIN" for a minute and realized WOMAN you need to get the h*ll off again~ he tried to get me upset this am. He called as sweet as Pecan Pie and acted " as if" and I told him what I had to say. I also told him when he called later that if he was going to be rude/mean he needed to wait an hour and not call me til he was going to be nice. HE AGREED~ 180 FOR ME AND IT FELT GOOD. WHEN HE CALLED THIS MORNING AND WANTED TO PRETEND IT DID NOT HAPPEN AND HE WAS NOT CRUEL... I talked to him about it and he listened. ....he called several times today and when he was ready to start he would say I am going to let you go. SO THAT WAS MY 1ST boundary and I am going to look for a website to help me deal with this more! I am proud of me cause I went to workout for an hour and a half and I felt great then I took my kids to the park to spend time with my Family and my kids too~ we had a great time better than me sitting here worried and dwelling on this. You helped me see I do still let him take me down with him. and yes I used to like to drink when I was younger 10 years ago but I never got mean. I would turn into hippie child and I loved everyone, I would tell everyone you are so beautiful etc etc. Silly huh? I surrender to much of me to him and I need to keep loving but set more boundaries and stand up for me more. He told me today that someone had been calling him private incessantly all day and nite yesterday... and this am someone keyed his truck!! ???? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM? I did not dwell on that either cause I can assume it was the *W* who called him and go from there I have a great imagination.
But that is on him not me right???? As I sit here I am tense and I feel like I can not breathe. And so as much as I know I have to put this out of my mind it is not ok that he does these things and now more than ever he will hear me wether he wants to or not.. SWEET ALI needs to get a tougher skin and be a b*tch for awhile. It is so empowering to tell him like it is and he listens and is ok with it. He had better be !!!! He has told me he loves me so many times today I lost count???~ Hopefully one day he will be well in the meantime I need to get stronger and use my voice once again and take back my power again. Take a deep breath and dive in and get my hands dirty cause I am too good of a Woman to take this SH*T anymore! I am more than the drink, more than the *W* that may be in his path and I am more than I even know. I am a beautiful person and he needs to treat me as such. Not as an obligation but b/c I am HIS WIFE and I love him, plain and simple. I feel strong and even when he called last nite and I thought he was referring to another OW I wasnt ready to wither I felt angry and ready to fight for my Pride and Respect.... No more BS.... I am done with it and it wil be hard not to absorb when he is "drunk" but I can do this and I already told him to not call if he was going to offend me.. call later when you are goinjg to be nice .... I can do this and I also plan on working out daily again to get my spirit back in full gear. Watch out cause here comes the beautiful b*tch who aint gonna take your sh*t anymore,, I have paid my dues and enough is enough. Time for him to start working for my respect. I always gave it freely now he has to earn it from me and be the Man he knows he can be and nothing less. He is so lost right now that he will say I need to stop and he does not.. God be with him cause he needs him now more than ever. He is hurting me the Woman he says he adores and I will not stand by and wait anymore for him, I will rejoice in the day and my Kids and all that GOd has blessed me with and he can come with me or he can stay stuck. I love him with all my heart but he needs to also do this on his own. God bless... and thanks for all your support everyone this weekend !!!!!!! I really needed it and it has been a real blessing and helped me so , so much! God bless....
Well my H has called me several times now and keeps saying ILY!!!! and now he tells me he wants me to go to Victoria Secret and buy whatever I want and spend as much as I want. ????? OOOOOH sounds nice. I do believe I can do that.... I dunno whether to be elated or suspicios???? Well I will go w/ elated for now and if it is out of guilt he will have to deal with this on his own! I am not going to be bogged down w/ this. I also realized that he may be an alchoholic and as hard as it is for me I am going to have to lead by example and not let him drag me down and hopefully help him some. I did tell him right now to go to bed and to STOP drinking, I normally tip toe around with him and stay quiet not anymore.. I need to keep strong and not let this affect my moods anymore. I need to for me and my kids. I guess it took him being and idiot and giving some *W* his number for me to open my eyes more and get tougher with him. Walking on eggshells re his drinking and behavior towards me is enough. I need to get disciplined in taking care of my mind , body and spirit had this happened to me years ago and it did ,, I would have been a pile of mush crying all day and upset and wanting to talk it to death.... NO MORE! God bless... and I WILL have fun at Victoria Secret, lots of fun. I deserve it...
Well I sit here sick to my stomach and I can't sleep I am feeling good actually spirit wise and yet at the same time I feel very angry. Partly at myself for snooping just for the hell of it and partly for all that has transpired. I know hey ( like someone posted to me in Infidelity forum) I only know 50 % of the story so maybe I am assuming too much,, maybe if I punched him in the *(&&) I would feel better. I have chosen the high road,,, but maybe I need to choose the low road and when I see him slap him in the face!!!!! I am ok though ~
I can look in the Mirror at night and know who I am and have no doubts that living right is good for me. I also must admit I feel somewhat vengeful even if it was "nothing" and he was just drunk/belligerent WHATEVER. Not vengeful in a way that I will also forget my vows but being sweet isnt working.
SOOOOOOOOOOO.... time to buckle up and be the Woman and stay feminine etc etc but it is time to grow a set and get stronger. Not be a B*TCH per se but be a Smart Woman,, being a lady and being so sweet and walking on those eggshells re his drinking it is not working and those days are done. My core essence is to love and be sweet but it needs to be underneath and the * me needs to taint it for awhile. We all have facets to our Personality and I need to get myself to a place where I take no SH*T anymore!!!!!
I have had it with allowing him to get rude and say I need to keep showing him and proving something to him. I have carried this Cross long enough and My back is tired and now he can carry it for awhile till he is "clean", he can work for my respect and love all of which I have freely given him and he has seemed to taken for granted. So I dont know how I could ever bring up the snooping or the phone calls ,,, and yet I am ready to change some , take the risk and if he doesntlike it and cant keep up.. .... we will see where to go from there. I am so tired of being the good ladylike Wife and also being sensual and he still acts like a damn fool. Or when I was sleeping in till 9:30AM THE OTHER DAY ( wow , how terrible ) he was telling me to "get up honey go running it will help you feel better." SHOOT I WAS SLEEEPING IN CAUSE YOU are an ~idiot and when you called 2 am and yelled at me I couldnt sleep till 4 am,,,, I dont need to feel better. I feel fine Thank you very much!
I am tired and I am actually human last time I looked . And once again you are projecting it is you who needs to run and feel better!!!! I feel fine just run down from thinking about all your BS! Sure he is just trying to motivate me but why?
Ali needs to take a Vacation and let me be a *B* for awhile for lack of a better term, If you all know one feel free to let me know. I am not trying to offend anyone but he has got me so heated and at the same time he is being so syrup sweet so it is just me fed up with this. I will still talk to him with love and integrity, but the days of biting my lip, and taking on his mood swings etc. etc. etc are coming to a fast close . So I see that this is my Miracle not curing him or getting him to see the light etc. etc etc. But me going thru this personal growth and allowing myself the luxury of being strong and at the same time living right. So yeah I am not being rude or disrespectful but will be a *B* so to speak.
AND, little by little and stop letting him walk all over me at times. I just am sooooooooooooo tired of this and thru the phone these past few days I have been being respectful but at the same time I am letting him know X, y or z!!!!!
Btw these things had transpired on Sunday night,, he told me Monday am that his truck had been keyed and he almost got into a fight last night and that he was trying to jump a fence and he would not elaborate.... when I asked about " what happened" he said "WE are fine honey dont worry." ? WTH? So yeah Ali will not worry @ it that is on you sweet H of mine and you need to stop this and grow up. Then yesterday he tells me that he jumped in a pool and his phone no longer works so he is calling me from some other guys phone to let me know and I dont answer ( he only called once*) and then he sends a good friend of his to our home to let me know what happened and to "call" him. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM.... that is 180 for him normally he would get irate and COMPLETELY irrational and ask why I did not answer or call back. I did tell him Sunday morning "If you are going to call to be mean or rude ... wait an hour and then call me ok. I dont need to hear that anymore! He said "OK" if he forgets in the near future as hard as it is for me , I will remind him!! feels like I am dealing with a CHILD here,
But I was at the gym ( THE YMCA) and my kids where swimming. My S16 was home and he took the "message". WOW~ So two hours later.. I worked out for 70 minutes!! When I check my VM,,, his friend said he stopped by our house and left a # to reach H at? I called him and when he called me back he was ACTUALLY pleasant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIRACLE..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD! No rudeness or where the hell where you or why the hell didn you answer the phone! NOTHING, NADA,ZIP ,ZILCH!!! can you see me jumping up and down and saying "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!" If not that is what I was doing,, well not literally but you get the picture. And then he said he would call later and low and behold he kept his word and called me and promised me he was only having one beer and he was going to bed.. I said "you promise?" and he said :yes honey I do." and I said " YOU BETTER, it is for your own good and b/c we love you.." and he replied " I know you do ~" ~WOW~ ????? He said ILY honey .. and I ask " HOW MUCH" and he says "very much" He then calls me back later and tells me ILY again and to have a good night and to take care and to be good... I say you do not have to tell me to be good I always am and so goodnight honey. ( in a nice but firm voice) I am not being too harsh or pushing him,, I am leading by example and he can follow or stay lost. And it seems from only 2 days so far he is Following. So maybe this will change for the better and just keep getting better. I can not force him to change but when I have the courage to lead he will either follow and see the beauty in me or he will stay stuck but either way I am moving forward and he cannot stop me or make me feel bad anymore. I am Human sure and I will get sad or hurt or upset here and there . But to be subjected to it just cause he feels like it and he knows I love him,,, NO MORE! And now after posting I feel lighter , stronger and better and will go back to bed. Where is staying up and not sleeping going to get me? Nowhere fast! and I need my energy for my kids and my home and my work and the GYM tomorrow and of course my H whether he deserves it or not..he has to live with himself and the choices he makes. God bless....
Honey you have been sucked into this drama for so long now that I am afraid you are getting lost in it.
Please gp back to that nice safe calm place, where you were trusting God for answers.
You can not change your Husband, only yourself.
There comes a time when enough is enough.
Boundaries need to be placed and kept and followed through.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
posted to me by BND...
Yeah I have been having nightmares and I think I need a break from all of this you are right . I AM exhausted!!!! Who I am is just fine. I am ok. Really I am. I just need the boundaries set so I stay sane. I guess that is what I was trying to sat only I sounded a little/A LOT nuts.... I am going to take a break from my H 's drama like I said and just be me and just be stronger. Thanks BND... wearing a completely new hat for me was going to be fake. my Close friends thought I needed to wear it and I wanted just to set boundaries and still be me. I felt this need to put on this hat and yet I knew he would not change for me. This is so much better and thnks for calming me down. You are a sweetheart. This was far too much for me and yes I need to get back to that safe place... it just seemed he was laughing at me being so serene. Like I needed to be a *B* in order to get some respect. I dunno it is hard to explain,,, and yes I have been dramatic and sounding off and I havent had anyone but you tell me it was ok to be just me. Sure I could have told myself that but that would have been too easy. Seems like I learn the hard way and you know I will say I am tired of the way he treats me at times but yes I do love him,,,, I do appreciate the support here and you listening to my long posts and helping me ... the few friends I had I guess have not DBed ever and so I thought maybe they have a point and I need to change who I am and no I dont ,, I cant. I can polish myself off more but being something that I am not was making me crazy for a few days. BND~ thanks once again. It has taken me a lot of work to love me and bring my self esteem back up and I appreciate your post . GOD bless you. I promise to GO back to me. Gosh I am rambling and probably dont make sense.. and yeah when I read my angry tirade this morning I sound not like ME at all. But better here than to him and to think I really needed to overhaul me into a *B*, and I am a beautiful Woman who deserves to have my tranquility. I think ( I KNOW) I need a break from my mind racing. Thanks for the sweet 2x4... I really appreciate you all here so much and will keep working on my self esteem and setting boundaries.
Have a great week and thanks for the reply. You are a blessing. Love, Ali
I want to apologize to you all for losing my mind for a bit and looking like I can be rattled so easily. I actually am very well. I do realize that this is on him,, but then I thought well it is on him but he seems to be oblivious and it made me so angry. How many times do I turn my cheek? And actually I did lose it some,, how can he keep stepping on my pride ? HMMMMMMMMM as many times as I ALLOW thats how many times. It did feel better to let put all my thoughts HERE crazy as they seemed. AND WERE!? BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES..... I think I can, I think I can. One day at a time. It will be a challenge but I need to do it for me and it will be far easier than being someone I am not ! FOR A LOOOOOONG time I was getting stronger and yet still treading very carefully on those darn eggshells. afraid to break one and allowing him to act like a very spoiled child with me and go off whenever he pleased. So no I cannot change him I may just change how I react to him. Thanks you all you help me so , so much. God bless you all...
People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway. - Anonymous
~ found this this morning and it is just what I needed to read.. Thank You GOD~ It is ok to be JUST me!
The best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.
Don't Make Alcoholism Your Problem
If you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don't know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!
Don't Enable
Most spouses of alcoholics don't realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.
Get Off The Pity Pot
Get off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. "Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can't take it anymore" attitude won't get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn't doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don't hang around the alcoholic, and don't let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.
Detach With Love
You are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don't try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don't have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don't become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don't start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.
Pray For The Alcoholic
I can't tell you how important the process of daily prayer can be. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it will also get you into the habit of going to God with your life challenges. God does hear your cries of pain and He will give you the answers you need to get through your trials and tribulations, even if your spouse continues to drink. Be patient and remain faithful in the Lord and He will deliver you from your suffering.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6) BY Angie Lewis
~wow~ Enough said.... now the real work begins. I just do not understand when he is with me he does not drink like this. But this "disease" my Dad had and still does and so this is going to be very, very hard for me but I will succeed. I have not talked to my Dad for a very long time, and now..... I am crying now~ Please pray for me as this is going to be a test for me to let go and let GOD RE: his drinking. Thank you all.
Wow... it's interesting how many of the tips are so similar to the LRT!
I'm not religious so saying I'll pray for you wouldn't really 'fit' - but I will be thinking of you and sending thoughts your way for strength and peace with yourself.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
180 FOR ME AND IT FELT GOOD. 
OOOOOH sounds nice. I do believe I can do that.... I dunno whether to be elated or suspicios???? Well I will go w/ elated for now and if it is out of guilt he will have to deal with this on his own! I am not going to be bogged down w/ this. I also realized that he may be an alchoholic and as hard as it is for me I am going to have to lead by example and not let him drag me down and hopefully help him some.
) he was telling me to "get up honey go running it will help you feel better."
