Just another update. I took W out to dinner Thursday night. Dinner was nice enough. She thanked me for buying her dinner.
The whole point of the dinner was to talk about our R, which we didn't do until after dinner. Here's what I got out of her.
1. She is very hurt by the fact that I said she was an "unfit mother". (Again, not what I said, but that's still what she heard.) But, this is the biggest hurdle for her to overcome out of everything else.
2. She doesn't want a divorce. At least the idea of divorcing doesn't stick well with her anyway.
3. She said her love for me went away completely when I said she was an "unfit mother" and she can't just turn that back on. She thought I was supposed to be there for her and support her no matter what.
4. She said she though it would be nice if we could take the kids to Florida for a couple of days this summer. She knows someone who can let us use a condo for free. But she didn't know about this because for me it's "all or nothing". Meaning to me we're either together or we're not. I told her that's not true, I had thought about us taking the kids to Disney World even if it meant we stayed in separate rooms myself.
So, my wife is still thoroughly confused about what she wants. I'm still thoroughly confused about her actions. I still have that nagging feeling that if she could support herself then she'd definitely want to divorce. The only thing keeping her from doing it is fear that she'd end up living in complete poverty. I guess I'll find that out soon enough. S5 starts school this year so she'll have no more excuses about not being able to work.
After being on my own for almost 10 months now I'm starting to get quite lonely too. I mentioned that because she asked if I wanted to move on. She said she told me I could date. But, it just doesn't seem right to me. I've seen enough broken hearts lately. Why would I want to get some woman's hopes up only to go back to my wife?
I just think after all this time if she can't decide what she wants then she's never going to. Or maybe she is trying to force me to make the decision.
She also admitted that she knows she has no self-esteem left and turning back to OM after we split was not the best move. She said she only did it because he was the only one who didn't turn his back on her.
I no longer have access to her emails and I'll have to admit I wish I did. That was the only way I could ever find out the truth in the past and it's the only way now. If she's still sending him provocative emails then I'd know I'm just being played.
