Happy Fathers Day ERC. I hope you have some fun things planned with your little girls.
My wife went out last night and came home at 4:30AM - now it looks like she is sleeping off a nasty hangover. So fun times for me. We don't have any family in the area, so I'm taking the girls to a street fair going on today, then maybe out on the boat if the sun comes out later in the day. She can join us or not, but i'm not waking her up or inviting her.
If she is more interested in hanging out with her single drunk friends then fine. I'll just be the one who gets to enjoy the company of my girls.
Interesting that she is leaving you for a man that cares about his children so much that he is going to leave them and be a weekend dad. And she accepts that because does she honestly want 4 kids 2 weeks a month?
I agree she is leaving me for a man that does not value family at all. He walked out on his W and kids months ago to get some space. He is a real family man isn't he. I honestly never thought about my W having all 4 kids like that... She will go crazy.... Our two girls drive her to the point where she needs a break... I would regularly get home from work to have my W inform me that she was having a bad day with the girls and needed a break.... How is it going to be with 4 kids??
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Your wife keeps bringing up how much she misses the kids, wants the best for the kids, etc, because she is struggling with the fact that her own selfishness is going to break the family up and hurt them. Granted that voice is really quiet right now, and the devil on her shoulder is screaming at the top of his lungs.
I think your right ever since I pulled back and her family has pulled back from telling her that her actions and choices are wrong, she doesn't seem to be on the happy train anymore. I do hope in the end the voice reason wins out and she truely gives our family a chance.
My plans and day so far has looked like this. I got up early and bought donuts for everyone. I even bought my W her favorite donut. My girls gave me my present after we ate breakfast. I recieved a new outfit that my W picked out. After that my W helped get our girls ready for church and off we went. After church we went to lunch with my parents, grand parents, aunts, uncle.... Now I am at my parents house letting my youngest take a nap. My family should all be coming back here shortly. Later I am going to go to a friend of mine house so our kids can play.... So kind of a laid back day but the girls are enjoying themselves and I am enjoying them..
My goodness. I just read your posts - it too drives me crazy that our spouses say they care so much about their families. What BS! I can't tell you how often I say "well at least when I'm not with my kids, they're with their dad. He's a good dad" and people reply "no, he's not a good dad. A good dad wouldn't have done this and wouldn't keep it up!!! He's maybe good with his kids, that's it." (we have a S3 and S2mos)
So its Fathers Day today and I wonder what he thinks of what he's done. I wonder what the OW who wants kids one day (she's only 21, he's 35 with two kids) thinks - probably nothing because right now they can only think of themselves.
This is just s----. There are really days I'm ready to throw in the towel and even stop praying for him to "wake up". I just don't understand how someone could do this.
Well, sorry to rant. I need to do it somewhere...or I'll do it to him and I've already done that way too much
So, Emtn...how are things going? I can't remember if it was you whose wife sort of woke up or is that saddadinkc? I hope its both!!
Caught up a bit. First comment...why is that we LBS dads look like loving handsome men in the pix? Em...your a good looking man with beautiful daughters (coming from a straight guy). You'll find love again...trust me.
Next. You are where I am. Just protect yourself. Trust me. The ILY and I want this to be smooth and nice thing won't last. Have you ever seen an 'amicable' D? Well..at least without SOME conflict? Forget it.
Also...in the beginning of my sitch, my W wanted me to cosign a loan for over $100K to buy a salon. Right. I also got the 'everything is in your name and I have nothing'. Try and keep all decisions FINANCIAL and not tied to emotional/marital things. My line was "this is not safe for either of us financially right now" (inside, I wanted to say...OK..come back to the M and I'll sign. Thank goodness I never said that.)
Going back to the ER doc thing. I'm sure you know the percentages on that R. Stay the course. Do JUST as you are doing. Steady....listen....etc. Don't fret about the time complaints. She needs to blame you for something. SPEW.
Finally, as you know, I have a D4. One day, I hope to tell her how much she made a big difference in my life someday. Em...I've read this...check it out...it will touch you. Your little girls will choose a man based on YOU. Don't let you W deter you from being that man.....don't let guilt anger or resentment affect YOU and taint them. Just be you...the great dad that you are.
Hang in. I feel your sitch. I support you. Stay tuff.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I too have heard from others that no your W is not a good mom, she is just good with your girls. Our S's are to self absorbed rightnow to be good parents. As much as my W trys to not make this sitch about her - it is. She was never able to verbalize to me that she was unhappy during our M, she always said the exact opposite....now she is saying that she was never happy at all. The way she rationalizes the past is that over the years she had to convince herself that she was happy and in love with me. If that was true wouldn't you think that she would of had us in counseling together years ago? If I was that unhappy as my W states she is now I would have done whatever I could to correct whatever the issue is/was. But that is me, not her. The vows I took actually mean something to me.(I guess I am a little bitter.)
No, unfortunately my W has not woken up.. That hopefully is the case for saddadinkc.
I am doing good. I had my girls all day yesterday, we had a goodtime together. Today I probably will not see my girls until late tonight. My W and I are going to our 2nd couseling session together. Again it will be interesting to see what happens. My hope for today is to get my W to commit to me going again next week with her. I am keeping my fingers crossed, but also keeping my expectations low.
Question for everyone: How do I tell my W and her counselor that I feel the A is still taking place? I haven't mentioned anything about the A lately and do not want say anything that will set my W off. But at the sametime how can counseling help when she has this tie to the OM. If the opportunity comes up in conversation I was thinking of saying that I feel the A is still ongoing. And I feel this way because I never have seen my W grieve the loss of that R. There was one day when she felt that the A was truely over and she broken down in front of me. That has not happened since that day and the A continued long after that day. I would then let the couselor take it from there. Is this a bad idea?????
I know that everyone says that you are not supposed to discuss A and OP but it is so hard. I tend to agree with you. MC can't help if your w is still involved with OM, and if your instincts tell you she still is, it's probably true. My h has told me multiple times that it was over with ow. It's not over. I can tell by the way he reacts with me, how his relationship is going with ow. If it is going bad, he is much better with me. Maybe that happens in your sitch too.
My h never verbalized his unhappiness to me either (but he has been unhappy for years, I must have been living under the same rock as you). Our spouse's are re-writing history. They weren't that unhappy. They just have to say that they were to justify ruining their entire life for the OP. My h actually told me one time that he was unhappy and he shouldn't have to tell me why, I should have just known. The ow understands him. I didn't know that I was supposed to be a mind reader, I guess ow is. Sounds like our spouse's are a lot alike.
I don't know if you checked out my thread. I told my h yesterday that it was over. At this point, I feel like if the ow is so great, why doesn't he just let me the h$ll alone so I can move on and find a great guy that really cares about me. He has been with ow for 8 months. He left me and his entire life for her. Looks like he made his decision and now he is going to have to live with it.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I am in the same predicament as both of you. My h is still in A and has started counseling with me. Good sign, I think, but then I worry. I sit in counseling and say "i'm committed to you and this M, blah blah blah". I feel as if I am just saying CODE for "you take as much time as you need with the A and I'll be waiting!" What do you think?
So I don't really know if counseling is any good as long as A is still going on. He tells me he has to get to cutting that off in his "own time" - that I bullied him most of our M and he's not going to be bullied into this. He too tells me he's been unhappy for most of marriage, and I didn't know it. I knew there were issues, but I'm realistic - what R doesn't have some issues? He's admitted he doesn't communicate well in counseling so that's I guess a start.
So, I assume (ikes!) many of you will judge, but I am starting to consider dating. I just don't see why not. My husband is actively giving up everything (me, seeing kids every day, our home is for sale, all our friends, etc) for this affair and he continues it everyday. I have to expect the worst and hope for the best, but that could be a very long time. I just don't know what to do.
Somedays I think "wait for him as long as it takes" and other days, I really do think "i'm great. I have the capacity to love deeply. I want someone who loves me deeply enough to fight for me and our kids." Sadly I just don't think I should have to convince someone to love me, to fight for his kids.
Yesterday being Fathers Day really choked me up. I want a man to raise my boys with character and with unshakeable good values. I say this "i can understand my H having an affair, I can even forgive and learn from it." But how do you forgive the continuation of this at the expense of everyone you love? This continuation of the A just sometimes seems too much to forgive. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I just supposed to wait until she dumps my H and then hope he'll take me back? Well, I'm sorry - I think I deserve better. Sorry guys, maybe today's just a bad day and I need to reread my books that tell me to wait it out, be strong, etc!
First comment...why is that we LBS dads look like loving handsome men in the pix?
That is because we are...We cannot help it, it just comes naturally to us .
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Have you ever seen an 'amicable' D? Well..at least without SOME conflict? Forget it.
That is why I hired the best L that I could find. According to my L(who knows my W L) once my W L is done with her she is going to try and get more then half of everything. Her tune has already changed a lot since she has seen her L, I anticipate that is going to keep on happening.
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Also...in the beginning of my sitch, my W wanted me to cosign a loan for over $100K to buy a salon. Right. I also got the 'everything is in your name and I have nothing'. Try and keep all decisions FINANCIAL and not tied to emotional/marital things. My line was "this is not safe for either of us financially right now" (inside, I wanted to say...OK..come back to the M and I'll sign. Thank goodness I never said that.)
Why is it that we on the inside still want to help and meet the needs of our W's? Everytime my W needs or wants something I on the inside want to run around and make whatever it is happen. For example, yesterday when my W told me she needed help filling out some of the D financial paperwork, part of me wanted to tell her that she could have a copy of mine when I got through filling it out. I know better not to say or do that, but I wanted to do this for her. I was also at one time thinking of giving her money so she can go get a place of her own.....That is not going to happen now. But again it shows that we even through this sitch want to love and support our S's in anyway that they will allow us to.
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Going back to the ER doc thing. I'm sure you know the percentages on that R. Stay the course. Do JUST as you are doing. Steady....listen....etc. Don't fret about the time complaints. She needs to blame you for something. SPEW.
She needs to blame me for something and she does....It gets tiring being blamed all the time. Do you think this wears on them as much as it does on us?
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Your little girls will choose a man based on YOU. Don't let you W deter you from being that man.....don't let guilt anger or resentment affect YOU and taint them. Just be you...the great dad that you are.
Thanks for this reminder. I really hope that because of my R with my girls that they truely know what they are looking for in their H when the time comes. The way I see it is that the greater Dad that I am to them Greater man they will one day end up with.
Last week while buying the NUTS book "What a difference a Daddy makes" caught my attention. At that time I added it to the list in my head of books to read. Maybe I need to bump it up a few nothches on that list. I have read more then enough about infidelity and relationships for a lifetime of reading on the subject. I think focusing my reading on myself and my DD's is the way to go.
ERC & Hope I too am someone who likes to deal with problems head on. Unlike my daughter for instance who thinks if you don’t deal with it will go away. That is why I am having such a problem DBing. I can’t understand how you can deal with a relationship with out talking about it. I can’t figure how you are supposed to deal with OM with out talking about it. My W shows no emotions. She is not mean. But she is like a step ford with without the sex. Now If I want to keep my son safe from the divorce I could just go along with it. But I need to have a companion too. I could only be a good father for so long if I don’t deal with my own issues. I know sooner or later things that are bothering me are going to be transferred to my son even though he is completely innocent. Do you know what I am trying to say? Kind of like I could be upset because of something My W did and turn around and yell at my son. (This is just an example. This has not happened yet)
Anyway I do not understand not dealing with an issue without addressing it.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
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