Letting Go of My WAW

[SuperDad]

I will journal later with the details, but a short synopsis of the past few days

* I made arrangements to go visit my parents in TX this coming weekend for some mutual support leading into the separation.

* W scheduled a plane flight to Austin to sign a contract to work as a teacher (at the school she used to work at)

* W and I had a 3 hr. session yesterday to work out a separation agreement, mostly business, but some R talk and also a discussion of how it could be if we stayed in FL. I put my boundary down at us living together while she had open A(s). Also said I was unwilling to move out of the house. She cried, but then said OK, then I am going.

* This morning, I was a bit slow from too much fun and too little sleeep last night and, while I am sitting at the breakfast table drinking my coffee, she spurts out "I am not going to take the job in Texas." She then started to cry and explained that she just could not bare to take the kids away from their dad.

* I was completely stunned and just tried to say very little other than to be supportive and say that it was important for the kids that both of us are happy and that I did not have a good solution for the sitch.

I feel that I am in a very precarious situation right now, but don't know what to do other than remain calm and lovingly detached from her internal turmoil and love my boys.

Anybody got a clue what to do?

Thanks, SD

[NMHurting]

I wish I did. I don't think she knows what to do either. Is she opening to couples counseling? Church counseling?

[SuperDad]

NMHurting,
Thanks for reading. I brought up counseling right after the bomb, but she was completely against it (probably in part because of the EA she is having). I have made it clear to her since then that, even though I am using LRT, I am open to working our our R/M if she changes her mind.

Today, I restrained from bringing up C again because she is completely aware of my position.

SD

[NMHurting]

She is obviously struggling in many ways. Be strong SuperDad. Be the man she misses. Talk to her about working toward a common goal of returning to Texas if that's where you heart is as well.

She obviously has some guilt and is showing that she is not ready to pull the family apart at this point. Take it as a good sign and just be as supportive as you can.

[SuperDad]

Journaling 6/16/07
W and I just had a 3 hour session to discuss our separation agreement.

We were all business until she and I came to an impasse about whether she should get alimony on top of me helping to get her set up in Austin, paying for training, and letting her go and take the kids without a fight. This led to a long discussion about my decision making process. I said that it was an immeasurable emotional sacrifice and also a big financial sacrifice (due to required travel between FL and TX to be with the kids) for me to do this, plus I would be paying to get her set up in TX and she would be back on her feet in a job for which she is trained.

I told her that I did not want to spend one day away from the kids and that I was only doing this because I felt that it was the best of two terrible options that I was given. That is: either fight a huge legal battle to keep her from taking the kids and then end up with them stuck in FL even though both of our families are in TX or to be separated from my kids, but keep things civil.

She asked if I wanted to move to TX. I said that I wanted to be with my kids and that Austin was one of many places I could be happy living. However, this was not my choice to go there right now, rather a concession to her. I told her that I could not give up my dreams and long term happiness just to make myself or my kids happy in the short term.

She then brought up the subject of us staying in FL. (I almost fell out of my chair!) She asked how that might work. We discussed for a while. She said she would not get a job here as a teacher, but could not really explain why. (The original proposal from me was that we both could work and save a lot of money over a few years, build up more equity in house, and then when I was able to get a job at the Univ., we could all make the move.)

She was again in tears over the idea of not having the freedom to go to TX when she wanted to, if we stayed in FL, and also because she would be away from her family (and current OM – my comment). When I told her that I was not willing to move out of our house and that I was also not willing to live in a house with her while she was actively pursuing other men/having As, she thought for a long while and said, “OK, well that’s it then. I’m going to TX.”

The rest of the day was non-eventful: I went grocery shopping/haircut, then to neighbor’s for Gold Cup soccer. W and kids joined us after the match for grill party. W and kids went home by 9:30 and I stayed later talking, dancing, etc.

[Nomopo]

Real positives in that convo despite how it ended.

[SuperDad]

Journaling 6/17/07

I could not sleep well, partially stress, partially too much fun last night. I stayed in bed later than normal (8:00) and did not feel great when I got up. I was having coffee and W was in her room. She called the kids in and they brought out my presents for Father's Day. One of them was a pottery turtle for the garden. At this point, I was thinking, "what the he!! is she thinking giving me something for the yard right before we tell the kids that they are moving away." She had also picked out a really cute card for them to give me. It was all almost too much for me.

A few minutes later, the kids are out of the room and I am chilling at the b'fast table w/ my cuppa joe. Out of the blue she says: "I am not going to take the job in TX." I was completely stunned, shocked, and speechless. She explained, tearily, that she could not stand to tear apart what the kids have here, take them away from their dad, and also have them live a much less comfortable life. I was still in shock and really did not know what to say. I mumbled something like "I can't believe you just said that and am not really prepared to talk about this just yet."

She took this to mean that I wanted her to go. I quickly explained that that is not the case and that there is no clear, easy answer that will make all of us happy. She went into the living room and I gave her a few minutes. When I joined her, she was still teary. I gave her a hug around the shoulders which she did not at all respond to (didn't expect her too) and said again that I did not have a good answer and that I understood how hard it was. We talked a bit but mostly just contemplated quietly.

After all this, we went to IHOP as a family for Father's Day. We came home and I spent time with the kids, swimming, walk in the woods, etc. W took a nap and went outside to talk on the phone to her dad, sister in Austin and some friends (and maybe others), while the kids and I were inside. Later she locked herself in her room and sent email/IM. She was mostly standoffish, but then ordered in burgers for Father's day dinner and went with the kids to pick it up. Dinner was pleasant, with typical convo, no stress. She cleaned up the kitchen and then picked up the house. I thanked her and said that was a nice F. Day present. She said it was nothing.

After dinner, we watched the end of the golf tourney (W even paid attention and commented on how buff Tiger has gotten.) Then I went with S8 on a walk while W stayed home with S6. No real interaction between us. We then got the kids in bed and W was sitting on the couch watching TV. I got my stuff ready for a.m. workout and then sat down in a chair by her. She looked really tired and not at all happy. I petted the cat and said I was going to my room early since I was tired. No real response. I was thinking she might want to discuss something further, but alas no.

I went into my room and shortly thereafter, she went to her room and has spent 1/2 hour sending email/IM. I am totally unsure what she will do tomorrow concerning the job in TX and my feeling is that I am probably better not saying anything, but am worried that this will be a missed opportunity.

Again, any advice is appreciated!

SD

[NMHurting]

Sounds like she might need the time to think. You left the door open for her...several times to discuss.

[SuperDad]

Sounds like she might need the time to think. You left the door open for her...several times to discuss.

Thanks, it sure isn't easy, but I am sticking to my plan of giving her space while still setting some boundaries and, most of all, not trying to solve her problems but instead just validating what she says and letting her know that I am there for her. (I still need to work on some of this, for sure!)

SD

[NMHurting]

From what I've read, you're holding the line very well.