Some minor bumps here. Injured my leg pretty bad at work in January. After months of physical therapy, I'm scheduled for surgery in the next few weeks. My brother has a remodeling project going on. I felt bad about not helping, even though he understood and even said not to help due to my injury. I still went over there this past weekend to help. Big mistake. It hurts like I re-injured it. That was Friday. We didn't finish until Sunday morning. I have been borderline evil cranky. I'm trying hard but it keeps bubbling up. I have zero patience, every step hurts and the pain killers are doing absolutely zilch. I should have listened.
Friday night, get a call from a buddy asking if I still want the apartment. She overhears, I was downstairs, she must have come down the stairs in ninja mode, I never heard her and to be honest, probably didn't even think about how she would react if she heard the conversation. This led to a minor R talk when I came upstairs. I finally lost whatever tiny bit of a grip I had on things at that point and said, "look, I just need to know, I know what you have said, whatever, the paperwork is drawn up, everything is in place, I just don't have the money to file right now. I know it's what you want, I don't want it, but at some point I just have to accept that this is what you want".
That was basically the end of the conversation. She gets up and goes into the bathroom, comes out after a few moments naked and jumps me. WTF?!?!
I actually tried to resist for a good 10 minutes. We had a wrestling match of sorts. Me telling her she is insane, she just finished telling me how much she can't stand me, now this? Give me a break. What? So she can twist this into some sort of sexual assault type thing? No way. I'm not that stupid. I'm holding her down telling her to knock it off, this is insane. She bruises easily, so I said, how are you going to explain the bruises tomorrow? This is nuts, you are going to be all marked up, this is not good. She said, "if I would have done this 45 minutes ago, we would be falling asleep now".
Saturday was more peaceful. She took the kids to a cousins birthday bash. I went to help my brother some more, (another big mistake, knee was really hurting now). We both got home late, yet things remained peaceful. I was a hurting puppy at this point. My knee was huge and I couldn't bend it at this point.
Sunday, more of the same. She went to church. She was leading 2 songs, the kids went with her. I went to my brothers and then we met up in the afternoon at my nieces graduation party. Again, things seemed okay. A friend was at the party that knows our situation remarked that W seemed to be okay with me, friend even said, "what gives?". I told her I just take it a day at a time.
We didn't get home until late. We had TIVOd the Sopranos so we watched that. Didn't get done until 1AM. I was in more pain than I have been since the original injury. It sucked. I couldn't sleep. Another friend calls, he had called several times during the day but we kept playing phone tag. I answered and he asked a few things about renting a property from his mother. Bad timing, in a quiet bedroom at 1AM, W can hear both sides of the conversation. I was 1/2 out of it from pain killers and the last few days efforts. I told him I would call him Monday, that I needed to get to sleep. Hung up and W starts in again, into a R type talk, I kept falling asleep though so it was cut short.
Long story short. Last night was starting to go the same way, only this time it was starting up earlier in the day. It didn't take a rocket scientist to calculate the direction the night was going to go unless we came to some sort of cease-fire agreement. I pulled her aside and said, 'Listen, I know I'm cranky, I'm really trying my best. My knee hurts a lot worse than I thought it would, lets just be cool. I'll do my best not to be a dick, and you try not to respond if I am. I know that's not fair, but it will keep things peaceful'.
No go. W launches into how I'm doing it again. I'm keeping her up all night, I'm emotionally abusive, mentally abusive, not letting her sleep, beating her down. I let her talk. Made the mistake of saying, 'you know I'm in a lot of pain and stress right now, yet you don't even care to ask about it. How about this, pretend I'm (friend that she spends all this time with)maybe then you could actually show some concern. If you knew she had so much as a hangnail, you'd be on the phone for hours with her or trying to get her to come over so she can get away for a bit, what a load of crap'.
Yeah, I know. That felt great to say, but was stupid. Funny thing is, at 1145PM her cell rings and its this friend in crisis mode. Imagine that. W ends up talking to her until 1230AM. Even so, sometimes being right isn't worth the damage. I was dead asleep when her friend called, it woke me up. I was so tempted to make a smartass comment, it almost came out to. I was in a pretty good fog at that point due to the painkillers and physically being so tired from the project. The words came into my head, 'good thing she has you to talk to when she is in crisis mode'. Thankfully, I just went back to sleep.
Well, that's about it for now. Hopefully I didn't set myself back too far, in both regards. The R and my injury.
Yesterday we made arrangements for me to ride home from work today with W. She is in the town I work in for IC. I got in the car and kind of knew things were not good. This IC is no fan of me, and has encouraged W to "establish an exit strategy, with goals and a timeline". I left it alone. I've successfully dealt with my male urge to 'fix' her when she seems down. I chalked it up to pouring a bunch of stuff out in IC and left it at that.
Get on the tollway and the opening salvo is launched.
W: Why have you been so mad the last few days? Me: I haven't. My knee is killing me and I'm having a hard time sleeping as a result. W: That's not true. It's because I'm not behaving the way you want me to. Me: What? No, wait a minute.. W: I knew it, I knew you couldn't do it. The second I just want to chill, not have sex, or cuddle or be touched by you, you lose it. You wouldn't let me sleep, you had to talk about it. Throwing the covers back, getting out of bed, going into the bathroom..., it's ridiculous. I knew it. I can't do this. We have to separate. I'm not kidding. I want you to leave or I will. I'll take the kids and go to my mom's if you don't leave.
Me: (thinking, holy cow! where did this come from?)
W: You don't get it, I don't have it in me, I don't want to try, I'm done. I don't care where I live, I don't care if we lose the house, you want a marriage seminar wife and I'm never going to be that. I don't want to spend time with you. I don't want to do things with you. When I do things with you, it's a sacrifice I'm offering to God, because it's not for me, I don't want to do anything for you.
Me: What do you want me to do?
W: I want you to leave. I can't do it anymore. Every minute of everyday with you, I cringe, I'm anxious, depressed, I can't do it any longer.
Me: Well, lets make some sort of plan here, there is a lot at stake.
W: I don't care. You can't scare me or manipulate me anymore with that stuff. I know I don't have a job, but I don't care. I think you should leave, I don't want to do anything with or for you, I don't owe that to you as a wife any longer. I think if you want to be a good father you should make it so they, (the kids), don't have to lose the house. You should be willing to do that.
Me: (this is where I lost my grip) You've got to be kidding me. You don't have to do anything because you don't "owe" me that as a wife, yet I'm supposed to do everything I'm doing now, just extract myself from the picture, leaving everything intact, just good ole daddy is not here? And again, you don't have to do anything because you don't "owe" that, but I do?
W: - basically another 30 minutes of the same stuff. Can't do it. Don't feel anything, feelings don't change, you brought this on yourself, the kids will be fine, I will finally have peace, blah, blah, blah.
Me: - (here I messed up again). Peace? You've got to be kidding me. Look around, name one divorced person we know that is living a peaceful, happy life. You can't. Even if they needed to get away due to abuse or whatever, their kids are hurting, they are hurting...
W: that's crap. You're talking about your friends...
Me: Yes and what about your sister and your best friend?
W: Neither one of them would want to go back.
Me: They are miserable, always in crisis, financially, personally or some way going through some issue. You mean to tell me that if ______'s X would have got his act together and been the man he was supposed to be, she wouldn't have preferred that to the life she is living now? Yes, your sisters X was physically and emotionally abusive, he cheated as well. Yet even with all of that she has said at certain points if he would have made genuine change she would have tried to reconcile just because it's so hard going through the divorce.
W: - (she had no comment and left soon after to go lead worship(?!) at our church).
W was upset and crying a bit. I didn't fall for that though. She isn't crying because she feels bad and wants things to work out. She is crying for the same reason I am right now..., cause this sucks and hurts more than anything I can think of. I told her a dozen times, I don't want this, yet I respect your desire to see this through. I will pack my things and leave tonight rather than have my kids go through the insane drama of us fighting over her trying to leave with them. I would rather walk away than put them through that.
God almighty, this hurts so bad. I have no patience left for my kids. They stayed home with me tonight, playing in the yard, so W went ot church alone. They are just being kids but I feel myself starting to snap, and get angry because they won't just listen.
The last bit of sparring from her was about how she will tell them everything I have done to her if I insist on telling them I don't want this, that we are only doing this because mom does. I asked what in the world is there to tell, I haven't beat you, I haven't cheated, I don't spend my nights at bars, no addictions. Yes, I was controlling, jealous, suspicious and my actions as a result were emotionally abusive, according to her. What I have read about emotional abuse, I was on the light side of things and according to some tests, I wasn't at all.., oh well, it's all in how the victim perceives the abuse so who am I to say. I know I was wrong and have worked hard to fix it.
W said her feelings are gone, they have changed and aren't coming back. I gave in and responded to this as well, though I know I shouldn't have. I said, "in '89, when we promised to love each other until we die, we never would have believed that our feelings of that day would have changed, yet they did. Now I have to believe that the feelings you say won't change today, could possibly change given the right circumstances".
W said that she had tried, in spite of all the crap I kept doing. I said, so think about what could happen if you tried to even an 1/8 of that effort and I give the right behaviors to help that effort along?
W had no response.
So there you have it folks. My bags are packed. I'm waiting for her to get home and I will leave shortly after the kids are in bed.
I will remain positive..., I'm just not feeling it right now. All the physiology stuff, ie; sit up straight, act tough/strong, walk like a warrior king, smile big and then smile bigger...., it just ain't cutting it right now. As much as I hate to admit that...
Not much advice I can give right now (off to bed, since it's pretty later here), just support for the sitch you're going through. Your W sounds a tad bit too keen to be 'right'. A bit of a drama queen, if you don't mind my saying. And, not a bit empathetic to the pain you are going through with your knee.
Will come back tomorrow after giving your sitch a bit o' thought! Not that I'm the best DB'er on the planet, but I can see myself a little in your W, from a few years back (still blush at the thought of it), and maybe I can give you some insight.
Take care, and try not to get into any R discussions with her again - as they say here, it's a cheeseless tunnel.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
WOW~ and double WOW~ I am so sorry to hear this sweetie and I know nothing I say will make you feel better,,, she does seem to be trying to push all your buttons and get you to "fight back" and when you dont she gets even angrier? Hopefully Being Me will enlighten you. I am so sorry , you are in my thoughts in prayers~ MY SIL is like this she does not see the role she plays in the R either~ It takes two to make or break an R and sometimes no matter how hard you try if your partner is not ready it seems like you are banging your head against a wall! BTDT~ You are in my thoughts cause yes it feels like hell on Earth! Take it easy~ Crying is ok it will help you feel somewhat better. Last year at this time even with my positive outlook. I was 20 lbs thinner , crying myself to sleep and I smoked a pack a day..... on and on~ Terrible but true.... BUT posting here kept me "above water" so to speak.... DO NOT FORGET TO.... Take care of you as hard as it gets OK? God bless...
Hi Tyler, meant to come back and share some insight sooner. Hope you are doing okay.
The parts of your W I identify with, is her seeming inability to let go of past resentments. I was very much like that, even though I possibly had every justification for the resentment, it didn't do me any good hanging onto it. I would 'beat' my H constantly for months about his wrongdoing, and how it affected me, and how wrong he was, yadda, yadda, yadda. A time came, when I decided that I needed to change, and slowly I did. I have learned that one cannot go through life being constantly offended over every little thing. Granted, I had some real doozies that offended me (like my H's problem with porno), but even little things offended me. Things that normal people would just shrug aside.
That's what I see in your W. She is unable to let past offences go. And, it sounds like a lot of those are pretty much small things that most people wouldn't bother with. She seems unable to let go of her resentments. If only she could, because there is so much freedom in doing so, I have found. Even my H's EA wasn't as much of a shock as it normally would've been, if it hadn't been for that change that I made within myself. I was willing to look inside myself and see my own faults, rather than just my H's. Because, none of us are perfect ... I am sure you could find many things your W did that you found somewhat offensive, but didn't hold onto the resentment like a kid's blankie.
Until your W realises that she is half the problem (and, maybe 3/4 if she is having an A), then there is very little chance of a reconciliation, IMHO. Your job now, is to work on yourself, and give her the space to, hopefully, figure herself out. (She is rather tenacious in her 'rightness', isn't she? Like a bulldog that has attached itself to your leg, and just won't let go!)
Hope this helps. Take care, and I will check in again.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I haven't had access to a computer for a few days. I'm back in the house. I came back because I couldn't do another minute away from my children. If I'm going to sleep on the floor of a house, why not my floor in my house? I can take it. My D10 must have hugged me 20 times Friday night. It was her birthday party, I came back for that and made up my mind standing there. My brother, FIL, MIL, SIL and my parents all were telling me to not leave the house. They are concerned about the choices my W has been making. They all say the same thing, they just don't know who the heck she is anymore. They are worried about the kids. My D11 did all the cleaning and decorating for D10s b-day party. Otherwise it wouldn't have been done. If I'm not there, who knows what will happen.
Its fathers day. Happy fathers day everyone. My FIL just called to tell me he expects to see me at the fathers day dinner they are preparing now. W was planning to take the kids there, no mention was made of me going. My FIL was livid. I don't know what to make of all of this. I want to be with my kids today but I don't want to be in the middle of a fight between FIL and W. He has told her he strongly disapproves of her actions.
Things were trucking along, W is talking about getting new furniture, painting rooms, taking trips together and then bam! "Either you leave or I will take the kids and leave".
WTF?!?!
When I came back Friday night I told her the following; this is my home too, my children too. I have a right to be available to them every moment possible barring work. I can't be that if I don't live here. They need me, my absence wrecked them. She said I will have to get used to that. I told her I understand but I will wait until a court order tells me I can't be here. She threatened to get a L and "get you out of here". I didn't respond. I told her I understand you don't want to be a wife, she interrupted and said, "no, I don't want to be YOUR wife". Okay. I didn't respond. I told her that we can't afford for me to live somewhere else right now. The finances just aren't there. She said it sucks that I want to force her to live with me just because of money. I told her I didn't want to force anything. It's simply reality, we can't afford it. You don't have to be a wife, then be a good roommate. Get a job and start paying half of everything, soon as possible.
I did mess up. I was pissed from her constant comments, ie; I don't want to be your wife, I don't want to be anywhere near you, I can't stand the thought of being in the same room as you, if you were really sorry as you have said you are about everything you would be willing to do whatever you have to do to let me keep the house and get on my feet....
I finally said, look, get a job, have half the mortgage by July 1, and half the mortgage plus half the utilities by August 1. Then I left to go get my stuff from my brothers house.
I was called a jerk, [censored] and [censored] more times in that 10 minute period then I have been in the entirety of my life. I did okay taking it and staying on track. I did lash out in the end with the timetable. I know it's impossible for her to come up with half in 2 weeks. I was just pissed. How do I repair that? Do I even try?
I don't know. Friday she spent the day at the gym and tanning while my D11 cleaned and decorated the house. Thursday after asking me to leave, she went to a club with her friend to spend money we don't have on her night out. The W I knew before would have spent that money on taking our kids to get ice cream or something similar, if there was only so much money for social activities it went towards the kids, now it goes towards trashing her liver. I don't know how concerned I should be about kicking her in the butt regarding getting a job and contributing something besides insults.
Give her space, is all I can say right now. She thinks she is right, and no matter how much you might've messed up in the M, she certainly contributed too. She just won't admit her failures now, because she's defensive.
Don't say anything about the fight. Try not to take the bait in future, but it's understandable if you do. Don't worry about being in between your FIL and your W's issues. You were invited so, you go. You don't have to do anything you don't or do want to do, just to keep the peace with her. Be there for your kids. I doubt if she can just leave with the children unless she has a really good excuse (abuse, etc) which she doesn't have. Sounds like she just wants you out, but paying for anything. If she really wanted to be independent, she would've found a job before letting you know she wanted out of the M. Anyway, why should you leave? She can leave on her own, and will then have the time to find a job.
Maybe one day you'll be able to reiterate with, "I don't want to be your H either." You're not there yet, it seems, but try and detach from her craziness, and keep trying to GAL, even if it's just to take up jogging, or some other hobby or activity that doesn't use a lot of money. Hang out with friends and family.
I think you should come up with a financial plan where she gets an allowance, and no more. How can she go spending money, and then also expect you to move out. Very selfish!
Take care and happy father's day!
Last edited by BeingMe; 06/17/0707:37 PM.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
