Letting go and going with the flow

[bravagal]

WARNING , WARNING, WILL ROBINSON, SUPER LONG POST....


OK , enough avoidance of your questions , WCW....
Here we go:

24 hour rule, did you use it? If the shoe was on the other foot, and you got an email like that how would you respond/react?

No, I did not use the 24hr rule. It is so fascinating how when I react like that it seems so "of course". If the shoe was on my foot I would get mad and confront and feel pretty crappy.
I guess in the end I can spew too!

How do you put your toe in the water to start accepting H's friends? He has offered and invited you, are you going to accept?

You know, H has invited me soooooo many times. Sure now when I can imagine accepting he has finally stopped!




I have been thinking a lot about something I read on frank d's "More Growing and Healing" thread:

One other thing to remember is that both spouses brought their issues into the marriage, trying to 'resolve' them with their 'stand in' Father or Mother. The problem is they went into it afraid that they couldn't really 'be themselves' and WORK on resolving issues because of the fear that their S would not accept this side of them.

Things like being able to have a disagreement with frank_d and not be afraid it will turn into a fight, or being able to be accepted as a sexual goddess and not feel like I'll never be forgiven or accepted for all my past promiscuity or other things I've done that I'm not very proud of. It's knowing that you loved me enough to forgive me for acting out and running away so I could 'feel better' instead of standing and working on both of us.

When you both don't work on these things or when life throws you some hard balls, it's very easy to 'fall back' into your old, familiar behaviors because THAT's who you are.

When we can look at these behaviors and work through them with our stand in fathers and mothers, we can put them away forever and become a whole person.


W also points out that it was the fact that I just let her be - I didn't judge her actions, I accepted them and was willing to let her go, that she started to realize that I did love her - unconditionally, and that she wouldn't find that kind of love anywhere else.

Also, we wouldn't have been able to be together UNTIL we finally went to counseling and talked about the REAL issues, her feelings of inadequacy in our relationship because she was so dependent on me for everything, and my annoyance that she WAS so dependent on me for everything - I wanted her to be herself, have a life, find a career that fulfilled her needs.

I felt very unsupported when the 'chips were down' and she had to realize it was ok to talk about things, instead of closing down and hoping I would 'get over it'.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but the bottom line is this:

We brought 'ourselves' into the marriage. Some of it we kept suppressed, but in the end it had to come out and be addressed one way or he other. So, the people we are during the MLC or while being a WAS are REALLY who we are. It's what we DO with that knowledge that makes the difference in how the FUTURE 'us' will evolve.

As the LBS, we can do the most good by accepting that this is who the WAS REALLY is. If the situation is extreme, we do have to protect ourselves, our kids and our financial situations.

However, the longer we show the unconditional acceptance of who they are, without allowing them to abuse us of course, the higher the probability that they will eventually see for themselves that they CAN have a better, calmer life in a stronger, more open relationship. That their old 'self' just doesn't have to be 'who they are' any more. They can be free of that pain.

For some, that awakening may come too late to save the marriage. Yet, because of who many of us are on this board, because we will always show the acceptance and understanding when possible, they will be continuously getting that feedback from us, and it will be what eventually turns them around and provides an awakening.

Maybe they will be with us, maybe not. Either way WE will be doing the right thing.

This is the piece I have been resisting: that this "Alien" in my H is part of who he is. I realize now it is.

Note: I think it is a part of who he is and there is this other part of him (sweet, kind, blah blah) that I have always accepted. It is this "darker" side of H that I always ignored and if anything condemned. It is the part that does things that are not sensitive, the part that is "needy" (his words), the part that thrives on being the center of attention, the part that is angry, the part that does not think can be loved by his wife that is so perfect and together.

NOW I get why H would always say toward the end that he could not be himself with me, that the "going out " part was the "real him". (Drove me NUTS when he would say that!! )

A person needs to be the perfectly human person that they are and still feel safe and accepted.

SO, this is an issue I had always had with myself: trying to be strong and perfect and together... afraid to show my "weak" soft side. THese 2 years have shown me that I can be perfectly imperfect and enjoy and accept that. From there I can gently create shifts in my life that I want. (without beating myself or any one else up in the process!)


sigh...

brava