Just wanting to report my present state of mind beyond insane.
H and the boys and I went to lunch today and had a really nice time. I can tell, though, that I have to be careful right now how I respond to things with H. We have had about two weeks of slightly warming interactions - he's been more friendly and kind in how he talks and responds to me. After today, I know my gut reaction is to push a bit more for deep R talk - and I know that I can't do that!
Two things I'm trying to remember in order to hold back:
One is that I can't fix H's problems and that H doesn't even want me to fix them. Today, I could see H really feeling regrets and sadness about not being at home with the boys. S1 is off today for a week of jazz combo camp - a huge thing for him that promises to have all kinds of ups and downs and growth. Because of various reasons, H will likely not talk to or interact with S1 until the end of the week and he wasn't able to share with S1 the pre-tryout jitters that S1 has, primarily b/c H isn't living here at the house. I could tell by how he talked and physically responded how much that idea and reality pained him. My gut reaction to watching and hearing H's sadness is to pursue and fill in the space; to "fix" the problem for H. BUT, I know that H will not invite or even allow that - and the result would be H lashing out verbally at me and me getting hurt. So, I have to practice my new found ability to not fix others' problems and just sit with the knowledge that H is hurting inside.
The other thing is to remember how easily H can be put on the defensive if he starts to feel vulnerable or attacked. B/c we have been having slightly more relaxed interactions, H will be more suspicious and sensitive to interpreting anything I do as pursuing. If I let down my more twilight distance I've been using, H - feeling a bit vulnerable - will so completely not read it as a positive thing and I will become once more the thing he needs to get out of his life to feel better. I know this, and so I am having to NOT interact any differently now than before the kindness started. (Thanks Michele and others for that guidance!)
I hate this, but I know that I will be a stronger and less "co-dependent/enabling" person if I hold tight to myself.
