NikkiB #17

[NikB]

I know it's been awhile since I posted/replied so I'll just keep this kind of general instead of person by person - but please know I appreciate every one of your posts and points.

First and foremost for any dads who read my posts - happy Father's day!! Make it a great one focused on you and your wonderful kids.

So what's been going on with me? Been having a rough week or so as you guys know who've been reading along with me. No big changes really to speak of. We've been having a really nice weekend, both separately and together, and again it's all kind of bittersweet. I just really, really feel hopeless about "us" right now (mostly down on myself).. but I'm trying hard to get that PMA back on track.

I haven't asked H more about what he meant on the "giving up on myself" comment because I don't think I'm ready to hear the answer. Trying to just kind of coast for now, get my focus back, and build those positive interactions with H when I can. I still feel a growing distance there... not sure what it's about, not sure it matters at this point either.

Friday night we had fun - went out to dinner and met some friends out at a night club to go dancing. It was kind of awkward because I think he and I were the oldest people in the club - it's a VERY young place! So it got him back on this whole kick of needing hair transplants and stuff again... how old he is, etc. But it was still a lot of fun. We played pool for a bit and he danced with me for quite a few songs - I also kind of joined in with a group of girls there and danced with them for awhile, a bit of a 180 for me, so that was fun.

I got kind of upset at one point because he was VERY obviously staring at some of the girls. I'm talking to the point of interrupting his pool shot to stare... it was embarassing. Had I been on a date I would've found an excuse to bail and gotten a cab home, it was that bad. So I was proud of myself for doing this calmly - I pulled H aside and said "Can I ask you for something?" H said "Sure, what?" I said "Can you not 'check out' all the girls in the club while you're here with me? It hurts and I'm starting to get really embarassed too." He started to say that he wasn't doing that then got a look on his face that kind of seemed like he acknowledged doing it, then said "Yeah.. I'm sorry." And was a LOT more respectful the rest of the night. So I was glad for that. Also kind of a funny moment, later in the night some kind of crazy bar fight got started and it turned into a bunch of drama. We were on the sidelines and just trying to avoid getting caught up on it, but H commented that he was glad not to be "so young and dumb" anymore (maybe maturity's not so bad sometimes eh?? thought it was funny he said that).

Saturday I went to one of those meal prep places where they cut/prep everything for you and you assemble the meals. I hadn't done that before but was always curious about it. It's my Dad's father's day gift, I hope he likes it. I was impressed with the quality of everything, it looked and smelled SO good. It's slightly more cook time than a TV dinner but it's really good, fresh food. I'd love to have done it at home but trying to get the same variety (6 very different entrees) would be tough to do! Completely funny coincidence, I ran into my stepmom there - she was getting my dad a gift cert for the SAME place, from my sister for father's day. Apparently my stepmom asked what he wanted for father's day and he asked her to come make him home cooked meals for a week (GEEZ Dad... did I mention he's not getting the DB concepts AT ALL?). I imagine he'll be kind of hurt by the gift cert from her instead of her cooking him dinner, but I hope he likes the meals. I ended up with 18 good healthy dinners for him and my sis.

So.. as I said, nothing really new to report, just kind of rambling along over here. Having a tougher time pulling myself together this time than I have in awhile, but I'm getting there.