Actually things have taken a turn for the worst. I'll be okay, though.
We had a falling out Friday night. So even though we spent the day together yesterday, we didn't really talk. It was very awkward. We talked a little last night.
He said we are fundamentally different. He apologizes and I don't. He said he apologized to me first thing yesterday morning about Friday night. I said "Oh, I thought you apologized for calling me an idiot." It was the 2nd time in a week he called me an idiot. I forget what it was about last week. I told him I feel like I'm always apologizing.
I asked about his wedding ring. It's in a drawer at work. He doesn't wear it because "it feels like a burden".
I said "this separation is permanent, isn't it? you're looking for a house for you?" He said sometimes it feels like that.
He said he is only here for the boys. He said it was a good thing his keg was dry and that he's been drinking less because to be around me he'd normally need to be drunk. No more date nights. He doesn't want to go the beach for the whole time... just because. I know he said that before, but when I asked about the dates, he said "sure". He told me I ruined his day yesterday by going to the park with him and DS7. He said he needed to be mad and I didn't give him a chance. Honestly? I feel like he's always mad at me. Like I'm always screwing up and really? Feel like the idiot he calls me. I told him that him saying those things to me really doesn't help me and he said "well, you are an idiot... you are a dumb ass." Now mind you, after being a stay at home mom for 13 years, my self esteem has taken a dive... this doesn't help.
I told him that he promised me a couple of things the day he left and one was to wear his ring. He said he knew. Then he said the other thing... there is nothing in the works whatsoever (or something like that) meaning he's not sleeping with anyone else. (Those were the 2 things I made him promise... he'd wear his ring and he wouldn't sleep with anyone else.) He said it would be counterproductive or something that and that it would really hurt him working on himself. He said sometimes he just does not want to be around me, but that he can't tell me no. He says he has to be more honest with me and tell me these things, but hasn't been because I will take it as we are not making progress and that sometimes that's okay.
He never used to be mean to me like this. He's just this totally different guy.
Yesterday, when DS13 and I were shopping, this man came up to me and asked where something was. We just started talking a little bit about what's in the store and where... lol... and when he left, DS said "wow, that man was really nice". I just want someone to be nice to me, ya know?
So I obviously have no choice but to go dark and remain dark. I can't always be gone when he's here, but I'll just take a bath and be indisposed like that, I guess. I would like to tell him I'll just drop DS7 off at night, but then he won't get to see the other boys.
I told him that if he wanted to spend the day alone with the boys, I could find ways to be gone. He said it wasn't necessary. Whatever. Sometimes I feel dead inside. Sometimes the pain inside is overwhelming. This is not the man I married.
Now, here's a weird thing. He Love Language is service. Well, the boys wanted a pizza night again last night. I worked. So I figured like every other night I work, he'd wait until I was gone. No. He asked me if grilled steaks sounded good for dinner. He has said (in the past... recent past, meaning a year or two) that that is his way of showing love.
So it's confusing. I know he and I are still relatively new at being separated, so I don't know if everyone experiences the roller coaster this much or not?
Yes, I worry. I worry that DH will find me and it will just be one more disappointment to him.
I'm sorry. I'm always dumping on you. I have really appreciated your kind words and support. I guess I don't feel I reciprocate it enough right now. So I'll probably just stay away for a bit until I'm in a better place.
