WELL it has felt good to rant and rave and blow up on here and as embarassing as it is it is my life.

I was/am evrything a good Woman is,,, I held on last year thru my misery and I never let you down. when I found out @ her I ladylike thru my pain said be happy with her , I hope one day you can say I am very Happy then I wil be so happy for you. You never really have loved yourself and b/c I love you , in the past you have dragged me down with you. THIS time for some reason I am sad and crying some and have a pit in my stomache but I will go on. I feel like you are hurting me so and yet I love you still. I always wondered last year thru my agony how i kept loving you. It wasnt b/c I wanted something I could not have it was b/c you mean the world to me and I would like to grow old with you and have a beautiful life, not a perfect one just a good one. I am not asking for Jewlry and al the htings you buy to "show " your love I am asking for you and all of you no holds barred and you seemed to start to give me this gift and now you are back at it. You do not see the beauty you have and keep hurting yourself thinking it will never hurt me. Sure I should not have checked your VM , I do not really know why I did it.... just last week you told me to check it cause you needed me to write down what your boss said. Privacy yes that is a big one and yes I violated yours but you violate me when you say ILY and ILY again and you do but you do not love yourself and you continue to violate me in the process. If you share your body with someone how sacred does that make our lovemaking? Maybe you only flirted maybe she is just a crazy bitch but how and why is she calling you and why did you not tell her to stop... I thought you were becoming a real Man and standing up for what was right. I felt so free and so happy with you and I felt like I could FINALLY let my guard down and you always do thuis it is nithing new.... when things are awesome you act a fool. What possesed me to check our VM,,, a little birdie in my head,, somethings up ALI? I always wondered if GOD wanted me to fight harder for you or just open my eyes and give up.... How long will it take you to be a MAN? Can I wait that long,,, you always say you never wanted to hurt me but you do.... time and time again. last time I looked I am HUMAN and my spirit as strong as it is now can only take so much. I have always had to be my best and I failed you when I got so depressed and you needed me and now I am here and standing right in front of you with my heart in my hand and it seems to make no difference to you,, SHE'LL ALWAYS LOVE ME.....

I really dont kno wfor sure what went on I only know you have been a little off lately and you have been drinking to much and I thought you were on your way. Why do you keep lying to yourself? I cant say if I will hold on forever,, I can love you and not love what you do.... how can you be so insensitive and heartless? I will never get the answer to this I am sure. You justifed the OW saying it was all my fault I let you down and I wasnt who you needed. I wont take the blame for this one and yet it still stings.
God help you cause I love you but you will not take my hand and help yourself... one day GOD forbid when all is lost you will know what I did and how much I adored you. YOUR drinking needs to stop and all the other stuff that goes with it before it is too late.
Please help him GOD... my motto last year was LOVE ME THE MOST WHEN I DESERVE IT THE LEAST..... I will keep on but when will this change?
Forgive me God for waivering in my strength for you will help me thru this .... I know you will. I am down on my knees and my love wont stop for this Man... It never waivers and that which does not kill me will only amke me stronger.I am strong and I will keep love in my heart and keep living as you would have me but this is a slap in my face and I dunno why......
God bless....