How long does Replay last?

[still hoping]

It's been a while since I last posted. No new drama to report. But I have definitely seen a change in myself these past few weeks. I have completely let go of my H and finally realize that there is nothing left to save. At this point, I'm no longer even trying to rebuild a friendship with him because I know that he's not ready and I don't want to hear any more lies. Actually, I now find it totally unrealistic that I thought we could remain friends.

I've made the difficult decision to move at the end of the year but have yet to inform H and his family. Planning to do so in August. By then, I hope to have a better idea on whether I will file before I leave as well, or still leave that part to H. The decision to leave has been so hard for me to make, but now that my mind is made up, it's like a huge weight has been lifted and I can start making plans for my future. I'm no longer stuck. All of this is very liberating, but at the same time, very sad to see it end, and I know there is still a lot of drama to come.

The decision to move on emotionally has been difficult as well, because I would so much rather go through hell with my H now to have things work out in the long run instead of running away from everything. But I really feel that I have done all that I can do at this point. I can say I'll give him another 6 months, but I don't think he's even close to coming out of his crisis and I don't want to look back and see 3, 5 or even 10 years pass just like that. Given his tendency to avoid conflict, I'm not even sure he'll ever face his demons. I've realized a lot of things about him are not his fault - like his irresponsibility, which is totally a result of how he was raised, and how he continues to be pampered and saved by his mother. And because he will never take responsiblity for any of his actions, he will never learn or change. His family, as loving as they are to my boys, is extremely messed up and it's not the environment I want my kids to grow up in. This legacy of cheating husbands and loveless marriages ends here.

I wish that I could say that I still believe in my H. But he is so different from the person that I married. The person he is today has no courage, no sense of responsibility, no compassion. I have lost my respect for him. I want to get out of this M so that I can remember the 11 years we had together for what they were - a great friendship filled with love, passion, trust, honesty and overall, happy memories. With each passing day as my feelings for him diminish, the memory fades a little more.

I've had several vivid dreams these past few weeks about H coming back home and things being good. You'd think it'd make me feel good to have these dreams, but they actually are very depressing. H is still so far from waking up and even if he did, I sometimes dread the thought of him wanting to work things out. Up until maybe last month, I would have given anything to have him walk through that door again, but lately, I've literally started deadbolting it so he can't.

Speaking of coming back, I spoke to my friend (the one who just got re-married) who shared his story with me about his D from his ex-wife. They had been fighting badly over several months. His job required him to travel for several weeks at a time so before one of his trips, he told his W to figure out what she wanted by the time he got back. When he returned, she had his bags packed for him. 18 months after their D, she went crawling back saying she had made a terrible mistake and wanted to work things out. He tried half-heartedly, but it was already too late for him. He never claimed that she was having a MLC, but she says that she can't remember a lot of the things she said during that time and felt that all of the decisions she had made were wrong. She re-married twice, with both of those M's ending in D. So it does seem to be the pattern that they do come back - just never at the right time.