I think he's doing the D b/c he thinks he'll never make you happy. He expressed his feelings...whatever it is, he interprets your needs as controlling. Now, those are HIS feelings, not yours, but you have to ask yourself, Why?
You'd emailed me about some things H had done lately...and I'm wondering if your avoidance is what makes him think he can't measure up so a D is what's necessary. I don't know.
Maybe.... if so, I can't read his mind and that isn't why he is saying he's getting the divorce. He says it is because I will never meet his needs. I can't be a mind reader, I can't advocate for him, I can't fix him. He has to do that for him. All I can do is tell him I love him and want the marriage to work and believe it can. And I do and I have. If he feels he can't measure up, I believe it is because he has not yet forgiven himself, doesn't respect himself, etc. and I can't fix that for him. Those are his demons he has to deal with and if he thinks he can and wants to continue being married to me, he has to speak up and ask for the time and space to do that and actually be working through it. He has stopped going to counseling. He says he has fixed all that needs to be fixed and is happy. I did put myself out there after avoiding him that one weekend and getting scared, and he pretty much blew me off. It felt like a game and I just couldn't do that.
Why does he see my needs as controlling? I think for many reasons. I think because he has felt controlled throughout our marriage because he was passive and I was agressive. I ended up making most of the decisions and being the leader. Even regarding the divorce, he asked me how to go about it and how to get a lawyer and who he should use, etc. He looks to me to run his life and make his decisions. I told him he needed to figure that out himself. I also had too high of expectations often in our marriage and was too judgemental. He couldn't measure up... that was my fault. I am sorry for that and I believe I have changed. The therapist also believes it has to do with his upbringing and I agree based on things we talked about in marriage counseling this summer. He felt controlled by his dad growing up. He didn't have a say, didn't have an opportunity to express his feelings and thoughts, and was controlled in a sense.
I know you aren't judging... those were just your thoughts, so I don't mean to sound defensive. It's just frustrating. Frustrating because then I feel like in a sense you guys are teling me that I'm causing him to file for divorce when that isn't the outcome I want, but really I can't fix him and be true to myself and get the outcome I want.
So, I'm just trying to accept it. Maybe he knows he never will be able to move past this and meet my needs. So maybe in a way he is right if that is his reasoning.
Who knows... I can't read his mind to find out so I just have to go off of doing what is best for me and what is best for me is to continue to be true to me and that means, I do expect more of him if he wants to spend time with me. And he said he doesn't want to give that.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
