OK, I need to do something about this. I'm under a lot of pressure at work, I'm extremely frustrated with my M, and I am raising my son and taking care of everything at home on my own. I don't have much of a life outside of work and home and everytime I take an opportunity to play, it puts me farther behind and in more of a time crunch.
My son is turning five in a couple months and he is having horrible fits of wining, screaming frustration, usually about his clothes in the morning, making us late and just plain making my life more of a hell. His daycare also notes how little emotional control he has at times.
Of course, he is modeling my behavior. He may be prone to frustrated melt-downs to begin with. But I often react to his frustrated melt-downs by screaming louder than he can and threatening spankings. I feel like I'm going to go insane. When I hear him start to wine my whole body tenses up and when he starts into the screaming I know I'm either going to explode, or have enough strength to stay still and pray for a deep hole to swallow me up forever.
I am so angry at my whole situation and I know it is overflowing onto my son. We've had two horrible mornings in a row where I just wanted to give him away. And yesterday I cried between dropping him off at daycare and getting into work because I realized that I was wishing I'd never had a child. I know all parents have moments when they wish someone would come take their kids away, and I was just having one of those moments. But shouldn't my first wish to be to get rid of my job or my R problems? I have to have the money and I'm powerless to control my H, so I guess I was just reacting to what was screaming in my face at that moment-my kid. And, of course, I HAVE already wished to get rid of my job and my R problems.
I've talked to a therapist before about my problems with my son. But for some reason, total rationality comes over me when I'm sitting with a counselor and I appear totally sane and in control of my life. I can't summon that anger in a counseling session and I just sit there thinking, why am I here? Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac and am looking for the magic bullet to make my life one big, continuous orgasm. My problems are just everyday life situations, everyone has. This is as good as it gets, to coin a phrase.
But then I have mornings like this morning with my son and know that I am doing long-term damage to him and our relationship by losing my temper, screaming and spanking. When I was a kid I hated how much my mom yelled at us and called us names. I may be better at controlling the name calling than her, but I still am letting my frustration with my situation in life spill all over my son. He's going to remember me as an angry, screaming woman.
I have worked so hard to show so much patience with my H. And he is an adult. I have stuffed my anger at him so deep that sometimes I think it's gone. But then it comes out and my little boy gets it instead. And that's so I can spare my R with my grown husband? The man who left us and still can not show any enthusiasm about living with us again? This is just making me angry all over again.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to release this anger without blowing it with my H. And I've waited 3 years to have the chance to start over with H. I also don't know how to release the anger without letting it explode all over someone who doesn't deserve it, like my son. I could make another appt with the counselor, but I don't know how to get beyond my automated response once I walk into the therapist's room. For some reason, I'm almost physically unable to show anger to anyone but my four and a half year old son. Because apparently, I take that R for granted more than any other R in my life.
This is just wrong and I don't feel good about it. But I don't know what to do about it. Other than just gripping tighter and trying harder not to lose control in front of my son.
There is a option coming up for me to go to half-time when my son goes to kindergarten in the fall. My son is turning 5 just before the cut off, and may not necessarily be ready. But I would ONLY be able to cut to half time if he did go to kindergarten, and I think if I was able to spend more quality time with him, a lot of the screaming and wining would not start in the first place. The down side of going half-time is that I could end up even more financially dependent on H. I do think the M has a descent chance of working out, but I don't like the idea of being more dependent on H or doing anything that might slow my progress toward having a real career again.
Copied from WCW's thread, though I would put it here to make sure you see it.
Opti, at the top where it says TOPIC OPTIONS click the down arrow and one of the choices will be ADD TOPIC TO YOUR WATCHED TOPICS. Then aT the top where it says MY STUFF click that down arrow and choose MY WATCH LISTS and you can see all the topics you are watching.
I hope this helps
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Hey Opti, should I say 'good to see you?' I hoped your non posting was a good sign. Anxiety attacks starting with H almost visible again?
This is coming from a non mother of her own birth children but I do have kid experience. Stepkids. Have you ever seen the show on ABC, Super Nanny? She prescribes a 'naughty corner' for behavior such as S4's. He needs boundaries and you are the one that has to set them and enforce them. Maybe you've already tried things but I suggest having him help you pick out his clothes the night before. If he throws a fit the next morning and gets uncontrollable he goes to the naughty corner for a designated time or until his fit is over - and he says he is sorry. The problem is this could take longer than you have to wait on a workday. You might have to take a day off of work but not let him know what you have planned. Or you could have him sleep in his clothes. Kidding! Maybe.
All of this is addressing the problem, but not what is causing the problem, which is your own anger. You've been patient for a long time, and you are close to reaping the rewards starting with weekend living with H and being a family. That itself is huge! You get a few days a week to figure out to get along and live together and then some time to let it settle while he goes back to base. (is that the right terminology?) The down side is the big swing every few days from mom/S to mom/S/dad, that can be tough for all of you. You are a smart woman, you will figure it out.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Opti, have you heard of 1 2 3 Magic? I have heard it recommended for the 3-5 age range. Sometimes we adults need a time out, too. As a matter of fact I hid in the bathroom with the lights out just the other day! Another trick is to whisper instead of yelling. That might really surprise your son and actully get more attention from him than screaming back at him. It might be a way to calm yourself down, too.
am looking for the magic bullet to make my life one big, continuous orgasm.
I completely laughed out loud b/c I am right there with you. I am SO TIRED of this stress and this life and this WISHING FOR MORE and working so hard and ....you know... not having one big continuous O in more months than I care to tell you.
SO.
I also, sadly, related a LOT to how I used to be with my kids. a LOT. you can turn this around, but it is going to be hard as hell. Not unlike DBing. I commend you. You are strong enough to SEE what's going on in your interactions with him, PLUS you also see how you are a "beauty queen" in counseling (what my H called my behavior in IC/MC) - that too is HUGE to see and acknowledge.
I don't have much time, but let me mention that I would really consider holding your S back another year. Yes, inconvenient for YOU, absolutely. But he's already having emotional problems and difficulty controlling himself. Kindergarten will be a nightmare for him, and NOT feed his ego when he can't 'do it right' socially there, get in trouble, or be held back at the end of the year. Most teachers I spoke with said the ideal age to start is 5 1/2 or later. Once kids get to that half-year mark, they're more able to cope with starting school, and all that entails. Boys especially I would hold back. I held back my D7 a year b/c she was right near the cutoff. She's about to be in 2nd and is so happy and smart. My S was right at 5 1/2 and did beautifully this year in Kindergarten. Your mileage may vary, and I understand you have complicated circumstances, but do spend some time before you decide.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
NNP- Thanks for the tip on creating watched topics. And for letting me know you can identify with some of these feelings. It really does help.
WCW- Yes, we're still here. Don't know if that's good or bad! Well, let's say it's good. We're both committed to our own personal growth and reaching out for a little help. I have seen a few scenes of those nanny shows. I can't bring myself to watch them. The sound of those kids screaming just makes me want to run from the room. And I can't imagine watching that for entertainment!!! People at work have mentioned the show and been aghast that a household could look like that. But, 30 seconds of my worst interactions with S4 look a lot like a Super Nanny trailer.
I will have to see if a 5 minute time out in the morning helps. Sometimes it does. But when S is truly hysterical, he needs an hour of chill out time.
Matilda- Thanks for posting! I really needed a way to vent all the anger I've been stuffing, and it's nice to see that other people can relate.
I haven't heart of 123 Magic, but I will look it up. I have been wishing for a DB type book for kids. Maybe I'll find the right situation for that whispering idea. I have gone in my room and shut the door, but our house is so small and S's fits can go on for so long, I haven't been able to tune him out long enough to keep my wits about me.
It's comforting to hear that you USED to be this way with your kids but were able to change. Do you have any recommendation for books or resources to turn my sitch with my S around?
I have given a lot to holding S4 back from kindergarten. In fact, I discussed it with my therapist once and by the end of the session she recommended sending S4 just so I was able to go down to half time and spend more time with him. I'm worried more about the difficulty S might have if he's not emotionally ready than the effects of having him repeat kindergarten somewhere else. S will not be able to go on with this kindergarten class any way, with H transfering (that is if we end up together). S will have to deal with the effects of changing schools for the next 13 years if we stay together as a family.
S4 is going to a 6 week, half-day summer school for kindergarteners starting next week. He will be bused from daycare (the daycare teachers ride along with them the first day) to the kindergarten across the road, then back to daycare by lunch time. I have been discussing it with S4 and he is excited about it. Many of his friends from daycare are going with him. I am also hoping to get S4 into kindergarten at the same school, that way it would be a much easier transition for hiim than going to an entirely different school. I wrote a letter requesting the school since the district assigned us to a school out of town. If we don't get the school across from daycare, I will strongly consider not sending S to kindergarten at all.
