I normally post in Piecing and while it is a blessing to have my M back,, I am at a loss. MY H always works out of town he is currently in OH. and I just saw him from Sunday to TUESDAY. I was doing real good on not snooping for a looooooooooong time and his phone died while I was talking to him today and I called him later and I dunno why ( cause I feel no suspiscion and my intuition was not going nuts!!!) but I snooped,, he has calls on there from some girl and I am devesated and more disgusted than anything. I just checked before and she demanded he call her apparently he has not returned her call since yesterday! WE had a fabulous time together and to be honest I thought his cheating days were actually done and he was better. He cheated on me several times during our M only one did I comfirm then he already had OW when he dropped the bomb on me and we have been reconciled since last August and just these past two months have gotten to where it felt right and good and now this... someone please help. I am strong and I am not falling apart I just dunno what to do. I dunno what to think and I do not want to mention I snooped.. PLEASE someone help!!!!! GOD BLESS...
No he never got help and see that is why I amafraid he will always be like this... alo he drinks waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much lately over there. I feel sick and I so appreciate your reply. And the scary thing is I do not want to bring it up b/c I always used to snoop to look for "clues" and he used that as his excuse to do wrong cause I was a nag etc etc and now he has no excuse and what scares me more is if she is being demanding then I "think/assume" he slept with her or are they that demanding right away? Also he had me take his phone the days I was with him for hours on end and left it in my purse the rest of the time it just doesnt add up. NOONE called as far as I knew.
How can I be so naive and love a man that is so unwell? I honestly thought he was better and evrything was great. I looked at our 3 kids today and just wanted to CRY!
I am sacred and yet I am getting angrier by the minute and I dunno how he can live with himself. He is far too jealous to ever let me go anywhere alone and just yesterday when my S16 answered the phone I was in a great mood at 10 pm and had music blaring and he was uptight and asked where I was , I said I am at home listening to music. I know I will not say anything when he calls in the morning ( it wil be so hard,, but he will justturn it around or lie) for the directions he asked me for earlier today and yet I want to punch him and I dont even know how to fight~
I feel so frustrated and just wish I had it in me to say goobye til ....
REALLY I DO as much as I love him I dont want to live liek this forever. To me that is not a Marriage and I told him last time if you do this again I will ahve to know what to do cause I acnnot go thru this ever again that was in december!!!!!!!!!!!!
........you are well which may be never. ADDICTION problem for sure ......is there even a cure? GOD bless and thank you slowly for your post.. I was getting ready to blow up into a million pieces. THIS IS TOOOOOOOOOOOO much.... I just want some normalcy not this every year. He has cheated far too much and he must think it is ok as long as I dont know and he thinks I am Happy! Sick and truly sad and heartbreaking. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I am sure I sound beserck but this is too much .. what to do? He needs help you really just made me see this .. we have a great sex life but I guess that does not mean anyhting huh? I am so confused. And my good friend COG is out of town for awhile..... I am going nuts arent I? I sound like a crazed lunatic! GOD BLESS....
Sorry to read about this - you're not the only one this is happening to today, my friend InPain has found a letter from an OW demanding that her H contact her. Check out her as well if you can - I'll link her thread in a second post.
First - to you. May I say you might be jumping to conclusions? The trouble with snooping is that we often only get half the story. I agree with Slowly as well in following the 48 hour rule. I know you have to speak to H soon, but maybe you can be "out" or "busy" to give yourself some space and time.
OK - H has had numerous affairs before, so the circumstantial evidence is good. But I would recommend deep breath and decide how you're going to deal with this.
Here's my take - remember though I'm not an expert on you, only you are, so if this advice fits for you take it, if it doesn't then don't, or only take the bits that do. I am in Piecing too (you have posted some great encouragement to me too, thank you) and I have found, from my own sitch, from readin about others and from Michelle's book, that the LBS supresses so much feeling that when the WAS coms beck it's a tricky time. We LBS's work SO MUCH on ourselves, but these M problems are rarely one sided. It may only take One to Tango, but I believe it takes two to create a bad M. The WAS at some point is going to have to face up to the fact that they made mistakes too, and once they have faced that fact (and this bit is key) then then have to decide to WORK ON THEMSELVES. This is tricky - us LBS's are masters in it, the WAS's are generally (not always) complete juniors at it. They rarely have a clue!!!! I feel then, as I did in my situation, that I had to step back, say "this is not what I want" and I stated very clearly my feelings to H. it is a gamble cos if he can't step up to the mark then my M will fail. Onto you, it's obvious you don't want a M where your H is continuosly having affairs (who would!!??) but this is HIS problem to solve. It upsets and affects you, yes, but it's NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you have worked SO HARD to restore your M, but it's now up to your H to step up to the plate and do some work as well. If he cannot, then I'm afraid it may be goodbye, but if you continue along in a M where he cannot be faithful it will erode away at your self worth and confidence, and you are one great lady, don't let that happen to you.
Ali - be strong. Stand for your M but set your boundaries. You are a strong, wonderful woman and you deserve better than this. I would advocate stating this to H, use stong words in a calm voice. But find out the truth first - give him the benefit of the doubt, you could be wrong. Either way, it's a good chance for you to state to H that you love him, will stand by him but will not be treated badly, that you hope he can treat you in the way you deserve, but if he isnt' up to that then you'd feel very sorry but you have to be true to yourself first and foremost.
How does that sound?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Ali as promised here is InPain's thread ... she's in a similar position to you except her H says he didn't have an affair, but she's still not 100% sure about that ... and then she got this bomb, anyway... I'll let you read, I hope it helps in some way
Ali, I'm usually over in SSM and know you are close w/ Lou.
I'm so sorry that this has happened. I know you are kind of stuck right now b/c you want to know what's going on, but at the same time, you don't want to ask.
My H has had numerous A's as well. He dropped the bomb in January. I was able to get us to stay together and he's now deployed for a year. I don't have time to go back and read your other posts right now -- where is your H right now? I did read about you going to visit him and having such an awesome time.
I guess maybe you need to think about addressing his drinking? I know I sometimes still wonder if H is still 'talking' to OW, but I have had to let that go and deal w/ my feelings/emotions over everything that has happened. It sucks, but like it's always said on here, we need to get ourselves good and then everything will be good, no matter what happens.
You have been working and doing awesome w/ that so I think you need to just (as much as it sucks) keep going on 'as if' you didn't find anything.
Tell me your sitch again about where he is and how often you see him.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well @12:30 am MY H called me. He called and said... "Hi sweetie you called." like he was sweet as pie he was talking to me !!!!!!!!!!!!GUILT? And my heart started racing... I played the great Hoolywood actress and did not say a word. IT was hard though and if he thinks he is a good actor well I have him beat. He proceeds to call me sweeite numerous times I lost track and sing to me and talk sweet to me... more GUILT???????????????????
I was naive enough to think last nite that the messages may have been for one of his crew meembers .... they frequently use his phone. Then she xxxx xxxx my a** call me. If it was not for him why would she say his name? I dunno could be for him and it could be for one of them these "W****ES: are scandoulous. I dunno what to think,, and I had a nitemare that clearly states to my that my subconscious is telling me I am a fool. I am sure I sound nuts but I do think my dreams tell me things. So I am once again a fool. Last nite he told me he fell asleep and that one I do know is true cause one of the guys who works for him answered and this guy reads the Bible everyday.. he would not lie to me. And he saw I CALLED. Told me he loved me .... THANKS! and then suddenly we are talking and he says in an angry voice sort of "HEY can I let you go? ? I will call you in a little while..." I had heard people outside and this is at 1:30 am his time so not good at all.
This morning he is neing as sweet as sugar and I still want to choke him.... I did not mention the *W*, but he told me to call him bright and early so I call 4:55 am my time 5:55 am his time and he does not answer.. I called again and just a bit ago @ 8: his yime he is ready to be awake???????????? I did say this,, YOU NEED TO COME HOME! You are not doing wel there and this is enough.. no arguements ...
OOOOOOOOOOH I just want to scream,,, I do not feel to blame this time and the freedom I feel is good. I finally fell asleep at 2 am but could not cry. I dunno where to go from here and I know he will want to be intamite with me and now this will be on my mind............. STD'S????? GOD PLEASE HELP ME. I feel so frustrated and I dunno what to do. I posted in the Infedelity forum and slowly told me maybe he has addiction problem. I feel like I want to walk away and never look back and yet I still love him. I dunno how he can be so cruel. I feel strong still thank God for that but I do want to know and let him know enough is enough. This is so sad, I am finally crying! He just called and I stopped crying and the sadness was still in my voice and he said " oh Ill just let you go you sound tired sweetie." PLEASE! And he asked ( SWEETLY AGAIN ) "so you want me to come home?" I got on my soap box..... told him he was not doing wel there and I wasnt trying to boss hom just that I have a bad feeling in my heart and you are not doing well over there and it needs to stop .. you ned to figure it out and yes head home. I amnot ttrying to be bossy and tell you what to do but this is too much and you are doing no good there and that is how I feel and you need to come home. I know you are an adult but you need to know that this is not ok,, you are in a bad place and so on ans so forth and he just sat and listened. I imagine that he was super drunk whenhe spoke to her < no excuse and he regrets it now....... wow must be hard to live with himself. He needs help and I cannot cure him... how very sad this is. I am a fabulous Woman and I do not need this so he either gets better or this will end. I can feel it in me that I am way toooooooooooooooooo strong and love me to much to deal with this crap anymore. If he cannot find his way out of the gutter and be a MAN... he will have to live alone and very miserable w/o a REAL WOMAN like me by his side. Plain and simple this place and you all and my own blood sweat and tears have brought me to far to go back into the dark!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I refuse! The person who I am to him deserves far better than this!!!!!
MY H and I reconciled in August .. he dropped bomb on me May 1st and already had OW,, I found out/confirmed it Fathers Day last year. When I said GOODBYE take care have a good life with her he slowly came back. He has cheated on me sevral times during our R. One time I was so devestated he paid 887.00 dollars for a plane ticke to come see me. And he has been away since April.... he sees me about every two weeks and it used to take him a month before he "missed" me. In MAY alone he flew home two times just called and said book me a flight and he would be home and he would not get phone calls at all, I dont get it. and then I just flew to see him last weekend. So I just dont get it. So almost three times in a month. And he just arrived in COLUMBUS on THURSDAY so she must have met him that day? or before I dunno.
She did say to him thursday nite you lied you no call me. then yesterday at 10 am CALL ME! then at 9:45 pm "XXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX my A** CALL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he hates to be bossed around. So what I gather is he was "wasted" when he talked to her and now he regrets it. And yeah I am stuck cause he does not need to know I snooped. Weird thing is my Intuition used to go off like a police siren and now it was nothing.. Ijust checked his VM for the hell of it. And when I went to see him he had me take care of his phone the whole time it was either charging in the truck, in my purse and I even took it with me for hours. I do not get this at all. And I am far too naive to put the pices together. Please help. I know it was NOTHING, and still maybe I am just so used to it I am lying to myself. I dunno I feel angry and lost but no matter what I am still strong as hell thank GOD for that really. Thanks for helping.... this would happen to me when COG is out of town. I miss him already! God bless... P.S. hopefully this even makes sense cause my heart and mind are racing. MY anxiety was doing so well and now it is back some~
) "so you want me to come home?" I got on my soap box..... told him he was not doing wel there and I wasnt trying to boss hom just that I have a bad feeling in my heart and you are not doing well over there and it needs to stop .. you ned to figure it out and yes head home. I amnot ttrying to be bossy and tell you what to do but this is too much and you are doing no good there and that is how I feel and you need to come home. I know you are an adult but you need to know that this is not ok,, you are in a bad place and so on ans so forth and he just sat and listened. I imagine that he was super drunk whenhe spoke to her < no excuse and he regrets it now....... wow must be hard to live with himself. He needs help and I cannot cure him... how very sad this is.