Choc, I still am in disbelief that she's going through with all of this. I understand the "la la land" thing. MLC or something!! I know you need to do what you need to do and sometimes it's better to think "realistically" - at least that's what I do most of the time - I still think she's going to come out of this. Like I said before, I hope it's just not too late at that point to rebuild your R/M.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Her portion of her credit card payment is about $325/month. That's just about all she makes!!!
Well then, I guess it is time for her to face reality and discard the nicety of being a kept woman huh? She's had it pretty good up until now hasn't she? - beemer, tummy tucks, pedicures, manicures, nice clothes, etc. etc. and all for a mere $325 contribution a month? What I would give for a life like that!
The chickens have come home to roost I say!
Keep up the good work Choc, believe it or not, it is paying off. You will come out on top regardless of what happens.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Stay strong. She sounds like she's moving blindly foward. It will eventually come crashing down but by then YOU'LL be the one with the fresh, 20/30 something on your arm...probably working out together at the gym your wife works at. LOL. The best revenge is a life well lived! Peace, Choc and I hope things turn out well for you personally even if your marriage crashes. You are one hot property on the market soon and beating women off with a stick will make your arms tired but you'll be sleeping with a grin on your face! LOL
By "La-la land," I mean she has no visceral response to such a serious subject at hand -- pending divorce, and the gutwrenching breakup of our family, and her ostracization from her own family.
She acts like she's picking out colors for the kitchen drapes.
She's just lost. Lost.
Choc.
Okay, I get what you're saying. Major denial. "If I act like this isn't happening, then it's NOT happening."
I agree that researching the "adultery = NO alimony" route is a good idea. And be sure and tell her about that if it turns out you will not owe her alimony. That should be a huge tub of cold water in the face.
Did you say at one point that she could go live with her parents (or was that someone else). She can live with her parents and OM lives with HIS parents-- it will be just like being in high school again. Her behavior is very adolescent.
She's definitely out of touch with reality. I predict that once she get the reality of it, if you're really through with this M, you're going to have to throw her out.
Your wife is in la-la land. How in the h*ll can she consider independent living on $335 a month? Of course, you could do what my 2bx did and quit your job, leave the state and leave her with ALL the child rearing expenses and debt. But. of course, you are not that kind of man. Give yourself a big pat on the back. I'll give you a ((hug)) and wish you a very Happy Father's Day because you deserve it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
From what I understand she's probably banking on getting the ole divorce jackpot payout. Hmmm...yup, she'll have all that money to waste on her toyboy. One of the reasons it will take her awhile to come to earth is that she'll probably have some financial stability after a divorce. I hate the fact that adultery can't be used in divorce these days to cut a person off financially. If they want out, fine, they can leave with the shirt on their back.
She starts working full-time week after next, still at the gym (what a surprise). She has not resisted her responsibility to make the credit card payment, and seems prepared to move forward to do what she needs to do to become independent.
My struggle has been -- and continues to be -- how much of these thoughts and feelings of hers are indicative of the affair chemicals running thru her brain right now, and how much are what she has felt for a long, long time, but just never had the courage to approach me (or me, her).
I believe it is some of both.
We've clearly had problems in the intimacy department most of the past 20 years, and I've never been happy there. She has issues there, and she doesn't want to seem to address them, and until she does, she will never be truly happy with ANY man -- me, OM, or some OM in the future.
She also clearly lost feelings for me several years ago, and as I look back at her weak response to my last "bomb" 3 years ago, I now understand why she tried so little. I think she was emotionally "checked out" even then, but was afraid to "a", hurt my feelings, and "b", of the financial reality that her independence would mean.
But it's also true that her current affair has totally killed off her motivation for even WANTING to try and work at this, and it's also given her a stubborn boldness and "screw everybody" mentality that's sabotaging her family. And she doesn't seem to care, or at least, if she does, that care is not stronger than her romantic feelings for the OM.
This problem that I have with my wife has always been more complex than a simple SSM, and even more complex than a simple (albeit ugly) affair. Lack of sex was always just the SYMPTOM of her underlying intimacy issues (and my inability to detach and deal with them with her in a loving way), and this recent affair was just an obstacles -- a HUGE obstacle, don't get me wrong -- but an obstacle for her to WANT to try one more time to renew and repair our marriage.
It's clear to me now that I have to move on. I have to move and work at ME -- become the best "Paul" I can be, and the best dad, and the best friend, and son and sibling. Our finances are in a mess as well, and all of that will have to be painfully attacked and started over. But I can't keep trying to blindly save the marriage, to save a relationship with a woman that's not really been there for many, many, MANY years. I realize now too that I've been in love with an IMAGE of Mrs. Choc., an image that I wanted her to be, instead of who she really was. Rather than deal with who she really was, and learn to negotiate with that person, and learn to grow and love together with that woman, I grappled instead with some image in my mind of who I PICTURED myself with, who I thought maybe she was or at least could be, if I could just say the right combination of words, or do the right combination of pleasing behaviors.
And NONE of that was healthy.
I don't know where her affair is going, and I don't know what path my marriage will take in its ending, but it's time to focus on Chocolateeyes, and my kids.
You're getting there. Keep the focus on you and you'll improve. Heck, you've already come light years since I came on the board. Now you have to plan your life. How are the family taking it? I hope you are able to provide your kids with a stable environment away from you WAS craziness.
Her behavior is very adolescent.