Any of you who have followed my sitch will know I'm a DB success in that after 4 months separation my H came back to work on our M. That was 6 months ago. At first things were wierd as he was still an alien. Then things were fabulous. Then I started feeling angry at not hearing what I thought I deserved to hear (like thanks or sorry) and things started to slide. Then it turns out I really want another child and he's really not bothered so I'm starting to doubt if we have a future.
Anyway the point of this post is that we have been unsettled for a few days because of aforementioned problem. He pops out to work and is longer than I thought and I go into our room to look out the window for him coming home. His wallet is in front of me. I have no idea why, it wasn't a concious decision, but I looked in it and found a letter. From the ow he says he only texted about our problems whom I was never sure if he had had an A with.
The letter was dropped off at our house a couple of months into our reconciliation. It says shes a bit miffed that he didn't call her back on Saturday like he texted he would. It says please don't let the last 8 months go to wast, we have a good time together and we love each other that should count for something. It says we are @~@?~@ good together as a couple (no pun intended wink wink). It says that she just wants to know if he wants to be with her and that if he does they need to sit down and discuss what they want from the relationship. It says she will come and find him at work (they work togheter) on Saturday to talk. It is signed Love, your (name) then it says if you still want me I'm yours. Then there is a PS saying I'm still horny for you if you would oblige x x.
I don't know what to do or think. I went crazy at him in floods of devestated tears and demanded he give me her number so I can ask her for myself. He refused saying he doesn't want someone from work involved in our problems. He says he was shocked rigid when the letter came and put it in his wallet with the intention of destroying it at work. He says he thought "we" couldn't handle him being honest about the letter at that time. He says he doesn't know what the letter means because he's never told her he loves her or been on a date with her or discussed wanting to be with her. He says she just got hold of the wrong end of the stick from their very frequent texting about his M and her R. He says he's never even kissed her let alone slept with her. He basically says she's la la. He can't remember exactly when the letter came and he can't remember when he found out she felt something for him. To make matters worse he was still receiving joke texts from her up till very recently and I presume was responding to them in some way. I even came home from a short errand about 2 months ago to find her in our kitchen. That was after this letter.
Any help? I really am lost. I love him and I wanted to be with him so much but his version of events doesn't make sense to the content of the letter and I know we have no future if I feel I do not know the truth. I have now found her number and don't know whether to contact her to ask her...but would I get the truth from her either?? Aaaaaagggghhh I hate bombs.
sorry hon)))) first of all, do NOT contact her, ever. It is just bound to hurt you and there is no reason she'd be truthful to you in any way, most likely if she still wants something w/your H she's just going to say things to separate the two of you.
Discuss w/your H the fact that contact w/her must be cut off completly. Cant' he transfer to another office or find a way to distance himself from her?
Then I started feeling angry at not hearing what I thought I deserved to hear (like thanks or sorry) ============== About this, we've got endless thread about that, we LBS had put up w/so much and forgiven so much we expect the WAS to beg our forgiveness, and 9 out of 10 the LBS want to bury that part of their lives and never talk about it, thus the conflict. I posted here eons ago about how when we take our Ss back, we must forgive them w/ grace, without expecting much back, maybe in the long run they may or may not say what we want to hear. But grace is something we receive from God when we dont' deserve it, same thing with our WAS, we give them grace/forgiveness when they might not deserve it, and we must leave it at that.
About having a child, that's another big issue. When you guys got married, did you agree on having more than one child or not? And honestly, now it is not the best time for another kid, you guys are still not out of the woods and a child right now would put more pressure in your lives. I know having our 2nd child threw my H into his first out of 2 MLC. Be patient hon.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi Cat, thanks for replying so quickly, really appreciate it.
Yeah I think you're right on the not contacting her I'm not likely to get the truth either way - if she was still seeing him she'd lie for him and if she'd been hurt by him she'd possibly lie and if she's just invented it all in her head like H wants me to believe she'd lie. It seems I am not going to be able to find peace over this I fear. I do know myself well enough to know that I will need to be 100% satisfied that I believe him or there will be no point continuing. I really don't know what to do. I've ran it past his sister (she helped me a lot when we were separated and I know I can trust her with it). She doesn't see how there can have been nothing said about her feelings prior to the letter either. She too thinks H needs to step up with some serious explaining and answers at the very least. She did make one good point though that has made me think. Her H bumped into the guy my H was staying with during our separation and outright asked him if my H was seeing this W. His friend shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know but that he hoped not because she was a right psycho. So if this is true and she is a bit la la then maybe she's sent it hoping I would open it and split us up so she could get her claws on him. Because really for all she knew I could have ended up opening it...maybe that is what she hoped for. The fact that since then she has found out my mobile number from a sales advert in the newspaper so she could text me kind of makes me think she is a bit la la.
I agree with you too about contact needing to be cut off completely. Trouble is how would I know anyway?? They already do now work in separate departments and he says he hardly ever bumps into her but does sometimes and says he just gets joke texts from her now. I could insist on itemised billing so I knew but we all know there are ways around that too.
I hear you on the anger and needing them to beg for forgiveness. I think I need to re read some of the book and remind myself of this part.
As for the child issue, I know we're not in the right place at the moment and yes we did always say we wanted 2 children. Trouble is we were told it would be highly unlikely I could have any and our S is a complete miracle put down to the fact that I still had drugs in me from our failed IVF attempt the previous month. So time is kind of running out to have another child and we would probably have to pay for IVF to even have a chance of one. H doesn't even want to save up to have one when we are back on an even keal because he says he's not bothered about having another one now because he thought we couldn't have any so he is now just grateful to have one. I on the other hand, being female and having those maternal hormones going on ache to the bone when I see someone pregnant or with a baby because I long for that experience again and long to have another wonderful child to care for.
Thanks again for your post. I still feel in turmoil and have pretty much talked it out all day with his sister. She can see why I am struggling to believe what he says. she asked him outright when we were separated if he was seeing her and he said no and she doesn't think he'd lie to her but the things in the letter can't have come out of the blue. I am so devastated that after all my/our hard work to start again I am foiled at the last post with something I fear may be too huge for me to get over or deal with. H is already sulking about the fact I'm not putting kisses on the end of my texts today... what does he expect?
H finished work an hour early last night (10pm) supposedly so we could try to talk through this whole letter thing. He came in and started making polite chit chat about anything but the subject which really annoyed me so I told him I was sorry but I really didn't feel up to talking about all these other topics with this letter on my mind. To copy Jen Jam's phrase on here which I know exactly what she means by it - my H then got his constipated look come over his face. He said had I thought of anything more to say on the matter!!! Me!!! I said really I thought it was down to him to be saying something and he said he didn't know what to say. I thought it might be an idea to work through the letter together and him explain how she could possibly have written such things if they weren't having a PA. He got annoyed and said I was interrogating him and that he couldn't answer any of my questions because he couldn't remember anything about any of it. We went to bed. Me sleeping in clothes next to him because I couldn't bear the idea of sleeping next to him any other way.
This morning he said he didn't feel well and stayed in bed until after lunch leaving us just four hours until he had to go to work. He asked me to write down my questions so I did. He says he thinks this will help him to focus and jog his memory to hopefully provide some answers. He said he felt I was going to persecute him for the rest of his life about it. I surprised myself by saying "no I won't be persecuting you for the rest of your life because if I don't feel I believe what you are saying I will be leaving". I have never dumped anyone in my entire life. I am always the one to be dumped so for me to feel so strongly about it that I want to leave surprises and scares me.
I just really don't see why someone would write a letter saying they're miffed they're not being kept up to date with what is going on and asking someone to not throw away what they have because they love each other if nothing has ever gone on.
I know this is long and I'm rambling but I'm just thinking on screen really.
Why what he says could be true:
1. Why would he come back to me if he was in the middle of an A with her? 2. Why would she still be texting him with jokes if she had been "dumped" by him in favour of his wife? 3. Surely after so much questioning anyone would just cave in and admit the truth if they were having an A?
Why what the letter says could be true:
1. When we were separated he texted her on average 25 times a day. 2. He still texted her for the first couple of months after coming back but not as often. 3. If it is not true then she must be insane to write all those things. 4. He was staying out at a friends house (supposedly male) every week and sometimes twice a week for the first three months of being home. 5. He was going out two to three times a week when he first came home. 6. He wouldn't stop texting her despite knowing it upset me. 7. The letter says "we love each other" not "I have fallen in love with you or I love you" 8.
So you can see why I'm struggling with this. I can think of lots more reasons why I believe the letter and not my H. I am so torn here. I really love him and have worked very hard to get us back together but I feel empty inside towards him right now and don't want him to come anywhere near me because I feel so hurt and betrayed and I just don't know what/who to believe. I just don't want to wonder for the rest of my life if he has lied to me or not and by his own admission he has lied about the letter and her feelings towards him the whole time he has been back home so I know he's more than capable of lieing convincingly.
Hey, IP, I know how that sucks to have that kind of crap thrown at you in this stage of things. Your H seems to be doing what he can to assure you nothing is going on with ow now, or maybe ever. If others are saying she is nuts, then realize she could also be thinking stuff in her mind that didn't even happen, but she wishes had. My sister had an affair with a married man, and when his wife was trying to win him back, my crazy sister started telling us that his wife was causing them problems. I told her she was the problem not the wife, and when he went back to his wife and dumped my sister, I told her I was glad he had, that she had no right to him. But it took her awhile to leave him alone, even though the wife was pregnant. She was sure he really wanted to be with her, but he never contacted her again even though she would try to see him. She got rather obsessed with him for a time, but finally got the message and moved on the the next poor guy.
The thing is, she must be a little crazy to think of showing up at your home or texting you or any number of the things she has done, knowing your H has chosen to come home to you and make a go of your M. I understand the feeling about the anger and the not wanting to even sleep next to him, because I try so hard not to think of the things he has done, and sometimes I will just feel the pain in the worst way, and have to really control my emotions. One night, I woke up to crying out to let go of me, and fighting my way out of his arms, and I told him I was dreaming that a bad guy was grabbing me, but it was him I was really dreaming about, and I was really struggling in my dream, and crying.
I don't know how you feel about religion, but praying and reading some of the Biblically based books can really help to give peace of mind to me. Right now, I am reading a book called Every Heart Restored, A wife's guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin. It's by Stephen Arterburn and Fred and Brenda Stoeker. I have just started it, but it is already looking like a good book.
You may need to just try not to think of what you feel they may have been up to as much as you do, so you can keep on with the healing of your M. Your H may be telling the truth, or he may not be ready to admit all, or even too ashamed to admit it.
Take care and thanks for posting a reply on my thread.
OMG IP I read this and felt sick - I think if I had ever read a letter like that I would have thrown up.
Then I felt anger towards your H - I just want to come round there and smack one right in the middle of his stupid constipated face. The a few well aimed kicks and once he's down I'd stamp on his head. He is avoiding all questions about this and basically TELLING you the reason he won't answer questions is cos YOU can't handle it. This guy is putting all the M problems on YOUR shoulders. What a complete ****.
But - this anger isn't useful, so onwards......he expects you to go off on one, crying etc on this - by your posts it seems you're taking this VERY well, I can see you've changed, and if I can see it through a PC, having never met you, then your H can see it too. I favour a boundary setting here - that you cannot move forward with your M until the subject of this lette has been resolved. It's still up to H to step up to the mark, he is trying to make you feel guilty all the time - refuse to accept this. There is nothing wrong with stating you are angry, confused and hurt by this letter, and you would like to discusss it openly and honestly with H, and if he isn't ready to then you'll wait. if he then statrs to accuse you of things like gettign over-emotional tell him you'll do your best not to, but in any case is that a good reason to avoid the talk? I mena, you're offering to wait until he's ready ARGH!!!
Sorry Ip, I'm not much help right now, i just feel SO MUCH ANGER towards your H right now, I'll try and clam down.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
hey inpain ! i fully empathize with you . As I myself am piecing,i go thro a gamut of emotions on a daily basis .It has been 4 weeks after the confrontation and what amazes me is his audacity to not reveal secret email accounts ( since this was an internet a ) and just his lack of committment to absolute honesty . He lost his job since and hides behind the job-loss tensions .He is emotionally distant .I dont know how much longer .
Thank goodness you have all found me here and come to post - I so need everyone's help right now.
I know what you are saying about the fact she has to be pretty crazy to show up at our house. I still don't know what to believe. I have now managed to work out the exact timescale of events down to the week the letter arrived. She states H is on holiday for 3 days and that he didn't call her back on Saturday and she would see him at work the following Saturday. I remembered we were going to go away but decided to spend the money on having a wall built instead and I knew I'd taken a picture of S "helping" build the wall with my phone so was able to pinpoint the week that was built. So anyway then I looked back on my thread for when I posted about her being at the house and then that freaky text she sent me. She was at our house the Monday of the following week the letter came!!! She texted me on Thursday of that week!!!
If what my H says is true she is one wierd W with some serious issues. My H is still saying he can't remember what exactly he did about the letter. He remembers being really shocked at receiving it and at its content and says he THINKS he texted her to say he was none too pleased and what on earth was she on about. He cannot remember the reply and says it was never mentioned ever again and he forgot all about it as he just thought it was a silly misunderstanding. (yeah hillarious)
I hardly slept again last night and feel so panicky and unsettled inside like I did when he left. I can't sit still. At the minute I'm thinking maybe he's telling the truth as I have asked him over and over and over and he keeps on saying the same "nothing has ever happened and he doesn't understand why she wrote it".
I really don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just believe him and carry on but the other part of me is afraid to incase he is lieing.
If he is telling the truth I'm still hurt by the fact that he did so little about the letter and didn't cut all contact with her when he realised she was like that.
I'm so glad you've found my awful new thread I really need your help.
I nearly did throw up after I'd stopped shaking while reading it. I keep reading it over and over and it makes me feel sick every time. The words she has written make me feel sick, the thought that he's done something with her to make her write it makes me feel sick, the thought he may have been lieing all along makes me feel sick and the fact he did nothing to cease contact after getting the letter makes me feel sick.
He has today gone through a few of the questions he had me write down for him but the answers are far from satisfactory. Just basically he can't really remember just flowered up a little. It all seems to go along the line of feeling sorry for her and not wanting to be cruel when she had obviously had a moment of madness to write such a thing when all they had ever done was talk about their respective R problems.
I am handling it better the past couple of days but right after I read it I did go off on one I'm afraid. Big style - I'd even say I was hysterical although I did calm down after a couple of hours.
I agree on the boundary thing. He wanted to talk about the more kids issue we'd been disagreeing on the day before this bomb dropped and I've told him there is absolutely no point until this letter thing is completely dealt with to MY satisfaction. If and when that happens I told him I was sure we could sort out the other issue somehow.
Quote:
It's still up to H to step up to the mark, he is trying to make you feel guilty all the time - refuse to accept this.
Yes you're right - he always does this. My Mum and I really noticed it during our separation. Whenever I have him banged to rights he tries to make me feel guilty to turn the attention off what he's done and onto something I've done.
He just keeps on looking at me all hurt and says he's so sorry to see me so upset and he wishes none of it had ever happened and he could just wake up tomorrow and it have all gone. He has now gone to work and we've barely spoken about it again today and I won't see him at all tomorrow to talk to as he has a quick turn around shift. He did say before he left though that if he had done anything he would tell me because he can see from my pain and confusion that it would be easier for me to know it and decide how to move on than this not knowing.
I have told him I am so torn and finding it so difficult because he is asking me to believe something I cannot see yet the letter which is stating the opposite of what he is saying is there right in front of me to see. This is so hard and I can feel myself feeling total hate towards this W for writing this if H is telling the truth. As I have said in the above post I just really don't know how I'm going to decide what to believe here.
Thank you for posting. I know what you mean about feeling so many emotions every day. Even before this happened I was up and down and he has been back 6 months now. I feel like this is never going to end and life is never going to be right again. I am sorry to hear your H has had an internet A. It is amazing what lengths people who have A will go to isn't it. I know my ex H did unbelievable things to cover his tracks.
