D - You sound better today; I'm glad. Those freak outs (and believe me, I have had/will have many myself!) are scary, I think. Hold on, though. The ride has to end somewhere.
Your love notes are great; I only wish I had found them - and could have "heard" them - b/f H walked out (or maybe that's the point? ). I'm not sure they work so well, though, when H is as unable to let go as me. I've been reading CoDependent No More (again), intending to find things to help myself. In the midst of it, though, it feels like I'm watching H more than me. I keep finding all of these diagnoses that could work, and all of them suggest we both have a long time to go b/f we can - if ever - refind each other. Sooo, your love notes are good reminders of what needs to be done.
I've been feeling really strong, but today feels a bit iffy. I'll try to be careful and not put myself in a position to ruin the "darkness run" I've got going.
The colonoscopy was to double check that my weight loss and GI problems were only stress related. That I'll be 45 this fall made the drs decide to go ahead more energetically, I think, since I'm close enough to the 50yr suggested age they can use what they found as a baseline. In the end, it did turn out to be only stress - or whatever, maybe too little fiber - and nothing more dangerous. Most people are sedated, and though I ended up watching some of the procedure on a screen , the sedation made me throw up. That always happens to me; so the wildly fun sensation of spacing off carries with it the knowledge that I'll pay later. Now I know that THAT's why I never really got into drugs!
Today is going to be a challenge in part b/c I don't work until later. When I have all day at home, it's a chancey thing b/c I think (AKA obsessively brood ) too much. I'm going to try to keep really busy, though, and so I won't post too much today. I find that it's days like today that when I get on these boards too long things go haywire betw H&me.
I hope your day goes well, D. You are going to be all right!! Cheers -- A
Aw man, I wish I would have known that sedation makes you sick. I'm a surgery veteran... LOL!! Anyway, every time I go in for surgery, I ask them for something so I don't throw up when I come out. It works. They put it in my IV. So, NEXT time... lol... ask for it!!
Yeah, I hear you about brooding with too much time on your hands and how this board can have a negative effect. I just miss you when you're gone!
I have nothing on the agenda today besides making blueberry muffins for breakfast. I've already been to the Y. Haven't been since Saturday morning, and I think that helps send me into a tailspin???!!
I'm gonna ask you for a really weird favor. Hopefully your library has it. I'm looking for last week's People with Lindsey Lohan on the front. Inside there's a section about summer reading, I think and I need the names of all the books listed. I found it at the Y, and told myself to remember the titles and authors and yeah, that didn't work. So I went back (made a special trip even ) to write them down. Well, it's gone. So I went to my local branch library and it's not there either. Not easily deterred.... lol, I went to the main library. Not there either. Is there any way you could check for me? Oh yeah, and I've also been on the People website with no luck. Thanks!!
Oh and I thought of you yesterday. 13yoDS out of the blue says he has a great idea for a book... he wants to write.
I'm gonna ask you for a really weird favor. Hopefully your library has it. I'm looking for last week's People with Lindsey Lohan on the front. Inside there's a section about summer reading, I think and I need the names of all the books listed. I found it at the Y, and told myself to remember the titles and authors and yeah, that didn't work. So I went back (made a special trip even ) to write them down. Well, it's gone. So I went to my local branch library and it's not there either. Not easily deterred.... lol, I went to the main library. Not there either. Is there any way you could check for me? Oh yeah, and I've also been on the People website with no luck. Thanks!!
Found it!! Even checked the tanning salon... LOL!! But since I'm TRYING to be dark, I'm at the library for an hour or so before I go to work and lo and behold is the ever elusive Lindsey Lohan issue of People! And my library doesn't have one book on the list... well, that's available cuz they're still being put into the system.
I'm glad. I was getting ready to tell you that our copy is checked out!
Today was really pretty good. I kept busy and did some things I needed to get done - including the awesomely wonderful thing of taking my larger collie to the vet's to have his anal glands emptied .
By tonight, I'm getting tired and a bit less strong. I'm staying at work a couple hours after closing to finish a project, and it's quiet and I'm missing seeing the boys playing in the municipal band, and I know that H will be at the house when I get home. I need to stay reserved, but I'm a bit worried about tonight. We'll see. One hour at a time, right?
I'm glad that you went ahead and got the place at the beach. Even if you are there with the kids and not alone, you will be away. I will be taking S2 to VT later in July for a family reunion (S1 will be working and can't take the time off), and I hope it will be rejuvenating for me.
I don't have much more to report. I'm glad that your son is thinking of writing. S1 is an excellent writer - much more natural than I am - and I keep thinking he's going to publish something b/f I do. Ah well, this story's been in the works for a few years now, so who knows. My only concession to S1 is that I will try to publish any romance novels under a pen name.
I kept busy and did some things I needed to get done - including the awesomely wonderful thing of taking my larger collie to the vet's to have his anal glands emptied.
Huh?
Thanks for checking for that issue anyway... it's the small things in life these days... LOL!!
Tonight at work, we pretty much had a full crew and the welcome back was overwhelming. Actually, every day I've been in there, at least one person tells me how good it is to have me back. Even the manager did tonight. AND they have been really giving me the hours. 4 nights this week, 3 nights next week and 4 the following. I had to give one of those nights away though cuz we'll be at the beach and it was the ONE day I hadn't already put in for. Not a problem.
Tonight, DH and the boys had "pizza night" where they make their own pizzas. First, I'll admit it made me really sad to not see DH's truck in the driveway when I got home. (Of course last night I was hoping to not see his truck and he was here... go figure.) Anyway, it made me sad. 13yoDS said it was a successful night, but that DH threw away the leftovers. (I didn't eat dinner... and honestly, not that I'd eat at this hour anyway. It just hurt my feelings. I'm like this sensitive baby... LOL! ) I set my computer up so I could tell if DH snooped. He didn't. (I would have. :oP ) Anyway, it was in my bedroom and when I came into my room, 7yoDS had put his little teddy bear on my bed. He slept with me last night and fell asleep with it and carried it around all day today. (He's not usually the teddy bear carrying type... LOL) Seeing it made me cry. It has GOT to be getting close to that time of the month cuz I seem to be crying a lot lately. I think the reason DS had it last night was because he and DH always go to bed at the same time. I put him to bed last night and stayed up. I heard him up, but I guess it was to just get his bear.
You know I keep saying I want this to be over, cuz I really do. But I want it to be over with the outcome I want... LOL!!
You said in your post one hour at a time. Sometimes it's one breath at a time... LOL!! An hour can seem like an eternity!!
We went to VT once... one Christmas YEARS ago. And you know what? It wasn't even a white Christmas. We had just moved from CA to VA and here we thought it ALWAYS snowed in VT... LOL!! Is that where you're from originally?
Today the ILs sent a flight confirmation for 13yoDS. He's flying to WA this summer... alone... for 2 weeks. As much as he and 7yo fight, I'm gonna miss him... AND be a nervous wreck until the plane lands safely there and here... well, in Charlotte which is where he'll be flying in and out of. (1 1/2 hours away FWIW.)
Stay strong... (how corny is that? ) Okay, now I'm getting silly... I should probably go to bed.
See ya tomorrow.
Oh and one more thing... no line dancing lessons any time soon... I'm on the schedule for Wednesday nights for the rest of the month. Weird, cuz they usually don't have me down on Wednesdays. I guess line dancing will have to wait.
D -- I'm so happy for you that your reception back to work has been so warm. While my co-workers are very different people from me, I will always treasure how supportive they have been. We don't socialize much - witness my inability to get them out dancing! - but their general warm caring has really helped smooth some of the worst parts of this year so far. They are one definite part I'm going to miss when I start at the University this fall!
Quote:
Is that where you're from originally?
Well, if originally is four generations or more ago, then yes. My mother's family came over on the Mayflower and via other routes pre-Revolutionary War, and the one constant for a number of generations now has been someone living in Vermont. My immediate family, though, has never lived there. My mom's family moved around - my granddad was a nuclear physicist - and she spent her teen and college years in the Midwest. My dad's family is from other stock and came and settled in the Midwest late 19th, early 20th century. I am, despite my childhood convictions otherwise, thoroughly Midwestern in terms of where I was raised. STILL, we do have family in VT - my aunt and her second husband - and that is still the emotional center for that side of my family.
(H&me lived in VT for 3/4 year when we were first married. It was wonderful, and then we moved to upstate NY for grad school and the next six years.)
Do you ever wonder if anyone might read your posts and figure out who you are from the info you post? I get a bit paranoid like that at times - I tell everyone my history so it wouldn't be hard for someone to guess it's me, I keep thinking. Then I wonder what I'm worrying about.
H & me talked today briefly. It was cordial - not just reserved and distant or guarded. Maybe the darkness is working a bit; or maybe my own centering is helping. I'm not throwing parties yet, but I'm cautiously happy that he seems to be lowering the defenses a little.
Hope you had a good day today! Cheers - A
Oh, and the anal gland thing ... well, it's just what it sounds like. They get filled at times and have to be emptied - a yucky, smelly job that I gladly pay the vet to do!
Here's hoping you are just taking care of yourself a bit and keeping dark here for good reasons. Let me know how things are going when you come back.
I'm doing ok. Father's day activities today include me as far as I want them to: lunch with everyone, then H & S2 will go see Fantastic Four (I'm not into it) and S1 goes off to Jazz Combo camp. Me? I get to go to work for a couple hours. Still, it's nice that I'm included.
Actually things have taken a turn for the worst. I'll be okay, though.
We had a falling out Friday night. So even though we spent the day together yesterday, we didn't really talk. It was very awkward. We talked a little last night.
He said we are fundamentally different. He apologizes and I don't. He said he apologized to me first thing yesterday morning about Friday night. I said "Oh, I thought you apologized for calling me an idiot." It was the 2nd time in a week he called me an idiot. I forget what it was about last week. I told him I feel like I'm always apologizing.
I asked about his wedding ring. It's in a drawer at work. He doesn't wear it because "it feels like a burden".
I said "this separation is permanent, isn't it? you're looking for a house for you?" He said sometimes it feels like that.
He said he is only here for the boys. He said it was a good thing his keg was dry and that he's been drinking less because to be around me he'd normally need to be drunk. No more date nights. He doesn't want to go the beach for the whole time... just because. I know he said that before, but when I asked about the dates, he said "sure". He told me I ruined his day yesterday by going to the park with him and DS7. He said he needed to be mad and I didn't give him a chance. Honestly? I feel like he's always mad at me. Like I'm always screwing up and really? Feel like the idiot he calls me. I told him that him saying those things to me really doesn't help me and he said "well, you are an idiot... you are a dumb ass." Now mind you, after being a stay at home mom for 13 years, my self esteem has taken a dive... this doesn't help.
I told him that he promised me a couple of things the day he left and one was to wear his ring. He said he knew. Then he said the other thing... there is nothing in the works whatsoever (or something like that) meaning he's not sleeping with anyone else. (Those were the 2 things I made him promise... he'd wear his ring and he wouldn't sleep with anyone else.) He said it would be counterproductive or something that and that it would really hurt him working on himself. He said sometimes he just does not want to be around me, but that he can't tell me no. He says he has to be more honest with me and tell me these things, but hasn't been because I will take it as we are not making progress and that sometimes that's okay.
He never used to be mean to me like this. He's just this totally different guy.
Yesterday, when DS13 and I were shopping, this man came up to me and asked where something was. We just started talking a little bit about what's in the store and where... lol... and when he left, DS said "wow, that man was really nice". I just want someone to be nice to me, ya know?
So I obviously have no choice but to go dark and remain dark. I can't always be gone when he's here, but I'll just take a bath and be indisposed like that, I guess. I would like to tell him I'll just drop DS7 off at night, but then he won't get to see the other boys.
I told him that if he wanted to spend the day alone with the boys, I could find ways to be gone. He said it wasn't necessary. Whatever. Sometimes I feel dead inside. Sometimes the pain inside is overwhelming. This is not the man I married.
Now, here's a weird thing. He Love Language is service. Well, the boys wanted a pizza night again last night. I worked. So I figured like every other night I work, he'd wait until I was gone. No. He asked me if grilled steaks sounded good for dinner. He has said (in the past... recent past, meaning a year or two) that that is his way of showing love.
So it's confusing. I know he and I are still relatively new at being separated, so I don't know if everyone experiences the roller coaster this much or not?
Yes, I worry. I worry that DH will find me and it will just be one more disappointment to him.
I'm sorry. I'm always dumping on you. I have really appreciated your kind words and support. I guess I don't feel I reciprocate it enough right now. So I'll probably just stay away for a bit until I'm in a better place.
Please don't stay away b/c you worry about not reciprocating the support or that you will be a burden. I am in a good place right now, and helping you or giving written/verbal support is not at all difficult; and I know that if I'm needing some boosting, you will do for me the same. All that said, I know too how hard it is to keep from obsessing about the separation and R problems when posting or reading this board all the time - so if you find it easier to get through the next bit w/o being here, don't feel you need to change that for me or this thread. I feel that this is a time for you to feel a bit selfish, but please don't stay away b/c you're worried about my feelings.
As for your past couple days: it sounds like things have been in one of those icky spots. My H and I have been there - especially earlier this spring. H needs space, and he saw almost anything I did as a problem. If you haven't read DR lately, consider rereading the Last Resort Technique part a bit. That helped me to remember how much these WASs need to be given distance.
It was due to discussions like the one you had with DH that I finally gave up trying to talk any R with my H. He is - or has been (I don't know and resist asking if anything currently has changed) adamant about getting a D from me. He says that he has no interest at all in staying married to me and that he has no feelings for me beyond general caring one might give to anyone around. Hurt? You better believe me! And that isn't how H was when we were together. My sister, though, pointed out that H is in a place where he can't even begin to consider any other point of view; he needs to reject me right now (and maybe he will stay there). So the best thing has been to just not talk about any future anything. It avoids me being hurt and H being put into a place he feels he needs to defend.
In the past couple weeks, I have noticed H seems more relaxed about talking and allowing his voice and attitude to show interest and friendliness. I'm not pinning much on that - his goal, I know, is to have an amiable D some day; kinda like you see in the movies like "Night at the Museum"! - but it has made me think things have some potential to change.
I have to be careful, though, b/c I can get lulled into thinking we can talk R again, and I KNOW that I will only get burned. Today, for example, the four of us had a really nice lunch out for Father's Day. S1 was getting ready to drive down to his jazz combo camp, though, and was a bit anxious since he has to tryout for a position. H and S1 talked a bit about this next week and it became clear that very likely, H will not hear from S1 until the end of the week - something that wouldn't happen if H were here in the house. I could hear in H's voice and see in his actions that the thought of not seeing or talking to S1 for this week that promises to have so many big things in it for S1 was going to be really painful for H. SO, I am going to need to refrain from my instinctual response and not try to talk or interact with H more to make up for the space S1 is leaving. H won't want to see me, and I'm sure he would only interpret my actions as pursuing - especially if H is feeling as down as he seemed, then he will look to take that out on me if I step in.
Long story there, but I am trying to explore how to change what I do around H so I don't get burned and he continues to have the space he needs now. If I don't do this, if I don't remember that things RIGHT NOW are very different between us, I risk pushing him away farther. I know we might not make it through this ordeal and end up together, but I'm learning how to hold back and not pursue when my gut instinct has always been to try to fix things for others.
JustD - I don't write these things as solutions to your situation, but hopefully you will find some solace in knowing that distancing from DH might be the better move. It's not easy nor painless, but it can help preserve you and give DH what he needs right now.
Again, my sister has pointed out some things about how I have to interact with H, and one is that he is being like a little kid with his emotions -- he's saying and doing things to push me away as he tries out the responses to these new and threatening emotions. Treat DH's comments as you would your sons' comments when they were little and saying things like "I hate you" (that is, if your boys were like mine and said such things). They may or may not mean what they said - they weren't even sure what that meant, I think - but they were testing the responses and maybe using the words to get some emotional space.
I hope that today starts you back up the roller coaster. You are strong enough and smart enough to survive all of this. Believe in yourself, and maybe for a while, just don't consider what tomorrow might bring (or not) for you and DH.
Hey, Anne... wanted to pop in and see how you're doing and to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope things are going well for you!!
Things here are still a roller coaster of ups and downs. He's very confused and it confuses me but staying dark or going twilight really seems to help.
I had another job interview today with a temp agency and have another one tomorrow. The one today offered me an assignment for tomorrow and Saturday, but I had to turn it down. First, I'd like to interview with this other agency and second, I don't want to work Saturdays when I'm already working Saturday nights.
). I'm not sure they work so well, though, when H is as unable to let go as me. I've been reading CoDependent No More (again), intending to find things to help myself. In the midst of it, though, it feels like I'm watching H more than me. I keep finding all of these diagnoses that could work, and all of them suggest we both have a long time to go b/f we can - if ever - refind each other. Sooo, your love notes are good reminders of what needs to be done.
, the sedation made me throw up. 
That always happens to me; so the wildly fun sensation of spacing off carries with it the knowledge that I'll pay later. Now I know that THAT's why I never really got into drugs! 
) too much. I'm going to try to keep really busy, though, and so I won't post too much today. I find that it's days like today that when I get on these boards too long things go haywire betw H&me.
) to write them down. Well, it's gone. So I went to my local branch library and it's not there either. Not easily deterred.... lol, I went to the main library. Not there either. Is there any way you could check for me? Oh yeah, and I've also been on the People website with no luck. Thanks!!
.
It has GOT to be getting close to that time of the month