H finished work an hour early last night (10pm) supposedly so we could try to talk through this whole letter thing. He came in and started making polite chit chat about anything but the subject which really annoyed me so I told him I was sorry but I really didn't feel up to talking about all these other topics with this letter on my mind. To copy Jen Jam's phrase on here which I know exactly what she means by it - my H then got his constipated look come over his face. He said had I thought of anything more to say on the matter!!! Me!!! I said really I thought it was down to him to be saying something and he said he didn't know what to say. I thought it might be an idea to work through the letter together and him explain how she could possibly have written such things if they weren't having a PA. He got annoyed and said I was interrogating him and that he couldn't answer any of my questions because he couldn't remember anything about any of it. We went to bed. Me sleeping in clothes next to him because I couldn't bear the idea of sleeping next to him any other way.
This morning he said he didn't feel well and stayed in bed until after lunch leaving us just four hours until he had to go to work. He asked me to write down my questions so I did. He says he thinks this will help him to focus and jog his memory to hopefully provide some answers. He said he felt I was going to persecute him for the rest of his life about it. I surprised myself by saying "no I won't be persecuting you for the rest of your life because if I don't feel I believe what you are saying I will be leaving". I have never dumped anyone in my entire life. I am always the one to be dumped so for me to feel so strongly about it that I want to leave surprises and scares me.
I just really don't see why someone would write a letter saying they're miffed they're not being kept up to date with what is going on and asking someone to not throw away what they have because they love each other if nothing has ever gone on.
I know this is long and I'm rambling but I'm just thinking on screen really.
Why what he says could be true:
1. Why would he come back to me if he was in the middle of an A with her? 2. Why would she still be texting him with jokes if she had been "dumped" by him in favour of his wife? 3. Surely after so much questioning anyone would just cave in and admit the truth if they were having an A?
Why what the letter says could be true:
1. When we were separated he texted her on average 25 times a day. 2. He still texted her for the first couple of months after coming back but not as often. 3. If it is not true then she must be insane to write all those things. 4. He was staying out at a friends house (supposedly male) every week and sometimes twice a week for the first three months of being home. 5. He was going out two to three times a week when he first came home. 6. He wouldn't stop texting her despite knowing it upset me. 7. The letter says "we love each other" not "I have fallen in love with you or I love you" 8.
So you can see why I'm struggling with this. I can think of lots more reasons why I believe the letter and not my H. I am so torn here. I really love him and have worked very hard to get us back together but I feel empty inside towards him right now and don't want him to come anywhere near me because I feel so hurt and betrayed and I just don't know what/who to believe. I just don't want to wonder for the rest of my life if he has lied to me or not and by his own admission he has lied about the letter and her feelings towards him the whole time he has been back home so I know he's more than capable of lieing convincingly.
