He might have experimented with a man at some point if only to see what reflected him in a light he liked. KWIM?
You really hit the nail on the head with that one. So much of my 2bx's concerns with my appearance had to do with "how I made him look" or some other kind of not really sexual vibe. This attitude just made me resent whoever this theoretical audience was that he was concerning himself with. It always seemed to me like there was some other man he was trying to impress and it was my job to help him look good for this man in many different ways. The problem was that I really didn't give a f*ck what this man thought because as far as I was concerned I was already as good as or better than this man and didn't want to waste my time on this planet trying to impress him.
I know I'm a week late in responding to this, but I don't spend the time here that I used to and I fall behind. But you did say that you were hijack proof and that your doors were open.
Amazingly enough, I've been getting a lot out of your D and the insights that are going with it. W is not, and has never been particularly physically attractive, but like your STBX, she's always been overly concerned with appearances. I know I've mentioned the affection and sexual innuendo when there are other people around. Affection and innuendo with no follow through. Having been with her for over 31 years, and having heard about the NPD and read up on it, you would think that I would know these things. But alas, it's taken reading about them in the lives of other people to make me really see them in my own. It's all about appearance. I like Karen's reference to reflecting her in a light that she likes.
I don't remember the exact circumstances, but I can vividly remember the first fight we ever had. We had been shopping somewhere, and at the checkout, I said something to her that she thought was demeaning, unflattering, or whatever. During the huge fight that erupted when we got home, I couldn't get over the fact that she wasn't mad about what I said, but she was furious that I had said it in front of someone. Appearance.
I could give you tons of examples, but this isn't about me, W, or our M. I really just want to let you know that I am getting help from your sitch. Karen's reflection line struck a chord. When you said, "It always seemed to me like there was some other man he was trying to impress and it was my job to help him look good for this man in many different ways", it was like a giant slap in the face. You've just perfectly described my primary function in our M. Making her look good and providing money are about all I'm good for.
You know that I'll never divorce her, but these little nuggets of truth do help me understand and deal with the problems we have. Thank you.
Now you may return to your regularly scheduled programming.
