I think I've figured out what my problem is. Like most women in our stupid-*ss society I was taught that it was wrong for me to be sexual. Unlike most women, I for the most part refused to deny, repress, hide or give up ownership of my sexuality. However, what I did do was sort of make a deal with myself/society along the lines of "Okay, I can be a freely sexual being even though that isn't a very "nice" thing for a girl to be but I will compensate for it by being MORE "nice" in other ways than most girls or by only having sex for very "nice" reasons." I'm kind of like the kid who tells himself that it's okay if he smokes pot as long as he keeps getting A's in school and volunteers at the soup kitchen. Therefore, I have the tendency to be sexual with men for whom I feel sorry. It's like the monkey has to get a permission slip from the cow. So, instead of functioning like the stereotypical girl who tries to get some assurance that her bunny will be safe before she is sexual so that she can feel secure. I worry less about my security and more about achieving a sort of moral balance for myself by having the cow do good deeds in proportion to allowing the monkey hot action.
Did you enjoy being sexual with people you felt sorry for? From my reading over the last year or so, and my thinking back over my younger years, I was getting the impression that that was generally impossible.
My wife may have been the same way when we met. It would explain quite a bit about her behavior, starting with the fact that she was very attracted to me when the rest of the female population saw me, at best, as "just friends" material. I wonder if there's a name for this tendency.
During the early years of your relationship with stbx, did you keep flipping back and forth between raging b*tch and absolutely crazy for him?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
