Thats some good food for thought right there, from both of you, this is what makes this place so great
As regards to the sms I did actually reply to it saying "Call me when you want to talk about it"...Upto now, I am still waiting. I won't directly say that I wont talk via phone call etc..instead I will say I prefer to talk face to face.
I'll keep you guys posted on any devlopments..
Thanks for the input & good advice
Strange
PS..I get the feeling sometimes my W finds it confusing that I am so happy & jolly about all of this mess...I can 100% assure you that prior to reading & learning all I know right now...I would have argued it, fought it & Gone around to the OM & gave him a jolly good talking to:)
Thats good. If she feels like it is truly over with the M, she probably wouldnt have any problem telling you with a straight face to face convo. Good job on setting some boundaries.
About the waiting..or patience..that is even better. The longer this goes without D, the more time you have to form the gameplan to get your M back.
Tom Petty said it best...The Waiting is the hardest part..
C, that was a FANTASTIC post. Really. Lots of good stuff to keep in mind. The most powerful part for me:
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
If you, Strange, can show her the positive things about you and slide the negatives away, she will have no choice really but to look at you, not as a threat or the problem, but as someone who thinks she is better than how she feels right now, (and trust me....she probably feels real sh!tty about this)
Just awesome advice/insight (which we can use to our advantage in creating a strategy)!
The rest of it rang true as well. Really appreciate it!
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
Try asking a WAS shortly after a separation anything you can say positive about the LBS..they probably couldnt find many! They are flooded with negativity and need to process that before they can look at you with a good light.
My wife is so here. I doubt she sees anything good about me (other than she thinks I am a good father, and oddly she might resent that) or in our past.
Thanks again C! Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
PS..I get the feeling sometimes my W finds it confusing that I am so happy & jolly about all of this mess...I can 100% assure you that prior to reading & learning all I know right now...I would have argued it, fought it & Gone around to the OM & gave him a jolly good talking to:)
I really don't think she can quite work it out.
Yes! I agree with C (again!) that this is good stuff. Think of it this way - the goal of our DBing (at least initially) is to plant doubt in the WAS's mind. You've done that!!! A first step!!!
Nomopo (and I love Tom Petty too)
PS - Think how hard the waiting would be if we didn't have Db, DR and this bbs!
Last edited by Nomopo; 06/15/0704:48 PM.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Thanks, Nomo. It just reinforces the theories that the WAS is going through so much more pain than we are, but we cant become a victim, but rather a validator and friend to support, the biggest one in fact! The LBS has the gamut of emotions to realize what happened, where the WAS runs away from the issues by blaming us, having As, and trying the live in their pretentious world of "I dont love you, need you, want you, or have anything to do you."
We, the LBS, have to show them that we can be happy with our lives by dealing with our conflicts, and not filing them away hoping we will forget they ever happened. like I wrote earlier, once the WAS runs out of people to blame their accusations of why their life sucks and their M sucks...only then can they fall back on themselves to "fix" whats broken.
They just dont understand right now why life is so peachy for us when they are in emotional turmoil. That is part of why they will lash out at you. DBing is primarily about working on you...but the inadvertant side-effects is it helps them to realize.."Hey, he/she is really a good person, attractive, and fun to be around." Gotta have that mystery back.
Thanks again guys...It's hard to think about our parters actually hurting. I admit that I have not really given it much thought. But when you sit & think about it, they most likely do hurt to a degree. I know I have thought, why would she hurt?, she's the one that chose to go, has friends giving her support & backing up her theory that i'm a dic......not so nice guy But she's hardly going to be showing any hurt, sadness or pain when she was the one that wanted out, she's going to be showing she's fine & dandy.
Which I suppose is what confuses our partners when we inturn appear to be as happy or infact happier then they are
It amazes me still, that when you think you know enough, along comes a post/poster that supplys info that you just did not think about...
Strange, think about the Dr book, if you read it...You dont fall out of love with someone. Anger is a good emotion to have..but the fallback is that it can cloud rational and emotional thought.
Sorry to gender-bash here...women are emotionally driven while men are logic driven..anger plays a huge role in the Ws behavior. Ask any woman what anger can do. Not to mention the fact that anger the foremost expressor of hurt, pain, and control.
I know that its hard to rationalize her not feeling pain because she wanted out...but there was a reason why and she feels hurt and resentment toward you because of it. But, don't you think if she dealt with the issues the way you have dealt with them, you both would ride off into the sunset together? But, the hurt and anger is so great within her that she probably is using the outlets she knows can filter her pain, or so she thinks...
Im not saying that this is what is happening, i only say it because my W did the same thing until she broke down to me and admitted this....long after the A took place and ended...
"I want to hate you for what I did!"
So you see, this was very powerful and detrimental on my end. I realized she had a lot more going on than I knew in her mind..she was using anger to vacilitate that, and I was the scapegoat. So here I am, trying to figure what I did wrong, and although I did lots of wrong on my end and corrected most of them, she still saw me though mean-colored glasses. I was thought of as an [censored] too.
To summarize all this, her showing you everything is fine and dandy is validation to her that is doing the right thing...and maybe right now to her she is..but in time, something will surface that will more than likely blow your mind, and i have seen many BBers on here that will back all this up if you read them.
Im not saying im right or wrong, because when it comes to Rs and Ms, there isnt any. there is just what makes both parties happy in the end.
Even though i am mostly positive these days & "I think" I know more than I did way before my W left, I do get some bad days. It is by reading replys to my thread that really helps out.
Whenever I reply to some else or try to help with what I have learnt, I get a nice feeling that I have helped someone think or see things a little more clear...So I hope you get that same feeling my friends
I like to think that no matter what we think we know about life, we should never think we are above & beyond learning from someone else.
Strange, think about the Dr book, if you read it...You dont fall out of love with someone.
I believe Michele's exact words were that this is one of the silliest ideas she has ever heard. I really latched on to that!
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
Sorry to gender-bash here...women are emotionally driven while men are logic driven
Which gender are you bashing? Both are strengths, both are weaknesses, no? If I had been more sensitive, more in tune emotionally, I might not be in this mess!
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
To summarize all this, her showing you everything is fine and dandy is validation to her that is doing the right thing...and maybe right now to her she is..but in time, something will surface that will more than likely blow your mind, and i have seen many BBers on here that will back all this up if you read them.
I hope, I hope, I hope . . .
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
Im not saying im right or wrong, because when it comes to Rs and Ms, there isnt any. there is just what makes both parties happy in the end.
And, thus, the search for soultions!! What works? What makes you both happy?
Originally Posted By: strange
Whenever I reply to some else or try to help with what I have learnt, I get a nice feeling that I have helped someone think or see things a little more clear...So I hope you get that same feeling my friends
Oh yes. And it is selfish. I want to feel better about myself by helping, and I want to let the lessons sink in by repeating them. Hopefully, it's a win-win!
Strange, you are doing GREAT! And thanks to you and Chevelle too. This has been a nice exchange today!
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Thats the brillance of this BB and Michelle's books...is to learn not only about our R and Ms, but philosphically speaking, life in general. We always seem to have insecurities and idiosyncrasies that surface in our Ms and bring us here.
The main ideas are to learn from them. And yes, since human nature is always a learning process, it is a powerful sense of accomplishment to share with others what you have learned....good or bad, there is always a lesson learned.
