Wife gone...Is there hope

[Nomopo]

Hi strange:

Sorry for your bad day. Good advice from Chevelle, but I have a slight different opinion on one part for what it is worth. I haven't heard D yet, but I did go through this with the S, and I think it is similar enough.

I say it's not so good because I got this via text message (SMS). She could'nt even be botherd to call me & say, hey we need to talk. Nope, I got the sms that says..."Need to talk to you about what you think on getting things sorted out with the divorce stuff"

Yeah, that stinks. But you already knew that she isn't concerned with you right now, or meeting your needs. So let it slide off the back. You are taking care of your needs, and there are people here who care about you. I know it hurts, but try not to dwell on that. You need to focus your time and energy elsewhere.

Firstly I am not happy about marching onward & upward with this but I am comfortable with it & will not fight it.

Anyway I would like some thought/advice on how to handle this when or if my W agrees to see me & talk.

My game plan right now is to be exactly the way I have been up to now & thats happy & up-beat about it all.

You don't have to be happy and upbeat abou this, you just need to be happy and upbeat generally (around her and for yourself - but fake it until you make it, if you must). Also, the onward and upward is you in your life, not getting a D.

Let me try to be more clear on that last point. I definitely agree you need to keep a PMA around W and not fight the D. But assuming you don't want the D, and I know you don't, at least now, "not fighting it" doesn't mean you have to or should do anything to advance it. Time is on your side so don't adnace the divorce ball. For example, if she asks and says when can we meet the L, don't rush to give her your availability. Say, I'll check my calendar and let you know. If she says, you need to prepare that inventory of assets, I would try not to commit to doing that (without being to direct), and I surely wouldn't prepare it. She wants the D, let her prepare it. You might just say "mmmm." Stall, delay, but be as not obvious as you can about it.

Do you have your own L? You will need to consult with one at some point. Tell him or her you do not want a D, so they don't work to hard or too fast to advance the ball. You are the client, they have to serve your interest.

Does that make sense?

Which I must say at the moment, it appears that apart from making me feel better, the only effect it's had on my W, is she now thinks I'm ready her next phase of this mess

Who knows? Maybe? But as Chevelle said, you can trust what she says or much of what she does. The longer this takes, the better. Slow down the process as much as you can, while DBing (making the very limited interaction you have as positive as possible.) I think it is safe (or at least best) to assume that your actions, words are being noticed and considered. Your goal right now should be to plant just the tiniest seed of doubt in her mind about what you are doing. Be the best YOU you can be; and hopefully she will notice too.

Second, & I would like some opinions on this...As it is now I will not except talking about this via sms or phone call. [. . .] My wife on the other hand appears to have issues with facing me & I see that as her problem that she must deal with. I would like to say to her, sure,no problem, we can talk either in this house or at a location of her choice but not by phone call.

My thought is don't be so direct with her. If you say that, it may feel like you are fighting her deliberately, and she may resent it. It may feel like you are trying to control her. I think I just would let her calls go into voicemail, and not return them. At least not quickly at all. Or call when you know she isn't home and leave a vm (or at her office at night or early am or over lunch). If you wait a week, she will realize she can't get anything done this way, and eventually I suspect she's come by. This has the added benefit of buying you time.

Do others agree with my stalling tactic? I think there is a difference between not fighting but not helping her make it happen.

I have no problems in facing my W & talking about it this & going with it ( acting happily).

Again, don't be to eager to help her get a D; you don't have to go out of your way to get a D. For example, you don't have to agree to go to her L's office to sign papers. Let her bring them to you.

As with my new improved self, I am always trying to see the positives in all situations that life throws my way, not sure about the positive/s in this just yet lol, but i'm sure there will be some.

The positive is the same as the overall big picture - although it took a terrible jolt/shock, you have been given the chance to take control of your own life/happiness, and to make it the one you want. You will have less regrets from this day forward than you would have living obliviously in your previous life (pre-bomb; pre-separation; pre-DB).

Hang in there mate!
Nomopo