It was like the scene out of a movie. I was momentarily a crazy person. It was almost as if I had lost all control of my body, mind, and heart, and the pain just took over. It was 12:30 in the morning, and I was throwing everything my husband owned out onto the lawn of our house. I didn't want him in the house anymore, and I didn't want anything he owned there either. I called his brother, who he had been staying with for a week, to come and get his things. I called his parents and told them their son was still cheating on me. I called the other woman and told her over and over again in messages that I hated her, begged her to stay out of our lives, and asked her repeatedly if she was in love with my husband.
It was November 13. I was 20 pounds lighter, couldn't eat or sleep most days, the man that used to adore me now yelled and swore at me constantly and treated me with complete contempt. I had lost all self confidence and self esteem, felt completely shattered and that my life was over.
Five months earlier, I had found out he was having an emotional affair with a younger woman. One week after that, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. We had to make it work and said we would. Six weeks later, I miscarried that baby. A part of me blamed my husband and the mistrust he caused for the miscarriage. He was on a business trip in another state when I started cramping and bleeding and because of his lies and deception, I was stressed beyond my capacity. I don't think I'll ever forget the day I had the DNC. I will always remember that he had his cell phone on and was getting text messages as I lie on the table, feeling broken, and preparing for one of the worst moments of my life. I often wonder now, if he wasn't texting with her.
The affair had never ended. It had been going on throughout the summer and the fall. After I threw him out, he stayed at his brothers for six weeks, and then two days after Christmas, he came back home to stay in the house while I was away, and he didn't leave. I thought he came back to work on the marriage. I was wrong. We went to marriage counseling and individual counseling but six months later, he still had not recommitted to our marriage, still yelled at me constantly, still kept his cell phone by his side at all times and hidden from me, and was emotionally and verbally abusive. He told me that he didn't love me and didn't want to work on the marriage. I no longer recognized him or myself. I asked him to leave again, to separate, until he could decide what he wanted to do. He didn't love me but he also didn't want to let me or the marriage go.
The separation was the best thing for me. I began living again. Almost instantly, I could feel myself beginning to heal. I began to focus on me. I joined a church, a volleyball team, and a yoga studio. I began inviting people over for parties and started a monthly card club at my house. I made new friends, rekindled with old ones, bought new clothes for my new body, continued counseling and began to heal. There were still moments of great sadness, longing for the marriage we once had, and disbelief, but I was beginning to rebuild and rediscover myself.
I read books about separation, divorce, and relationships, and took responsibility for my portion of the breakdown of our marriage. I realized that we failed in meeting each other's needs from very early on in our marriage. We didn't know our needs, didn't communicate them, and didn't love each other in a manner that the other could understand or equate to feeling loved. It is something that is fixable and common in marriages, but it requires recognition, maturity, work, and commitment. The affair, I realized, was a symptom of many other marital problems. I strangely, I think, understand now why it happened.
My husband and I didn't speak for a month. Then, unannounced, he showed up at the door. He still couldn't look me in the eye, still cried when he talked to me, and seemed downright depressed. He said he still didn't know what to do or what he wanted. He still wasn't willing to work on it, yet not willing to let go either. He said he wanted to get to know me again by spending time together here and there. I thought I could do that. Really though, he was still determining if he wanted to give it a try, and that wasn't enough for me. It turned out, my confidence and self esteem were back and I had changed into a much better person and wife. I wanted more and deserved more. Our marriage deserved more and so did my my husband. It wasn't enough for me anymore to just know he might want me. I wanted the commitment we had vowed to and he wanted to be married and date with no strings attached. I asked him to let me go, and he agreed.
Two days ago, he said that he will file for divorce. I am not sure if he'll go through with it or not. It isn't what I want and I don't agree with it, yet it is a relief. I have been firm through all of this that I stand for marriage. I believe in my vows, I want to be married, and I want to work on the marriage. I want us both to be committed to marriage and work on it and love each other in the way that we each need to be loved. I realize however that I can't do that alone. I don't think he's ready or capable of that and I don't know if he ever will be. I will wait for him to file, but I am moving forward in my life. I will not bare the pain and responsibility throughout my life of ending our marriage when that isn't the outcome I want. The marriage is over, the vows have been broken, and he does not wish to repair them. There is no marriage without commitment from both parties. At times I feel like a failure, and in other moments, I feel like a hero.
This has been the best and worst year of my life. It has been an awakening. I have learned so much about myself and I am strangely happier now than I have ever been in regards to the person I am and who I am becoming. I will no longer accept mediocrity in my life but I am constantly setting goals for myself, reaching them, and then setting new goals. I have a light about me, a spirit of energy. I truly love the woman I am becoming and the life I'm making for myself. It is the best year of my life in that I have rediscovered and rebuilt myself, but the worst year in that I had to lose the man I love in order to awaken and make those changes.
Losing the man you love and your hopes and dreams and that life you built together, shakes you to the core. It is also a blessing because it causes you to look at what is truly important and to rebuild your life to live it in the manner you truly wish to be living. We should all be doing that already, but so often, we aren't. I know I wasn't. So while I no longer have my marriage, I do now have me. That is something to rejoice about.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
