I'm thinking about new beginnings today. I have no doubts that in the coming months I will be separated. I have no fantasies otherwise! It's so strange to think of not being married to my W. It's something I never contemplated happening, ever. When we first married, we went through Hell (immigration matters, limited time to make decision etc.) and we made it through. I always thought "If we can make it through that then we can handle anything together, nothing can separate us, we're meant to be" Yes, I really believed that (and W says I'm not a romantic!). So almost 18 years later the fairy tale is ending. It's difficult. A friend of mine said " Whatis, in 18 years you have never even looked at another woman, your W has been everything to you" (Well, I have looked...I'm human!) It's so true, my W has been my pride and joy, the person I have adored. It just amazes me that she hasn't seen this yet to everyone else it is so obvious. Actually, I remember her coming home and complaining because her female co-workers would go on about her "great" husband, how lucky she was etc. She said "Noone talks about all the wonderful things I do, I hold a stressful full time job, go to school, take care of my kids, sweep the floor...all I hear about is my great H" and I replied "I tell people what you do all the time!". It's sad, all she can seem to remember are the ways I let her down or wasn't there for her (again, I'm human). When I look at starting over again, I have no idea how to do it. Being single, alone...it's all brand new. I keep thinking "all I want is my W and family again" but that's done, finished, over. I go to coffee with someone and still think "was that right, should I have done that" Wow. It's like going on a trip and forgetting the map! Well, enough babbling for one morning. I know that wherever this trip takes me, I can make it for the best. Sadly, I don't even have to line up to buy a ticket for this trip!
