Be sure before you purchase anything you discuss this with a lawyer first. Even with mediation don't you still go to court? Not only do you need to consider the legal implications, but you need to be aware of how things look in court. Also, most financial indicators point to housing prices adjusting lower. If I were in your shoes I would consider hanging out for awhile and renting (taxwise I believe in most states you have a year to reinvest). Another thing, does your husband have a pension? If you are in a 50/50 state make sure get half of that...
I remember having horrible dreams like that too. It's a bad feeling. Divorce is super painful and stressful. One thing you might consider, if you're not currently doing this, is talking with your doctor about low dosage antidepressants. A large number of people I know do this during the first year or two of divorce. I typically don't like medication at all, but I went on 10mg of Celexa after a few months into the divorce and it helped TREMENDOUSLY. The funny thing is I didn't think I needed it. I felt pretty positive, but the AD's seemed to even out the ups and downs, and helped me stay clear and focused.
Hang in there sweetie, once you let go you'll be sad for awhile, but then you'll notice the world looking brighter.... and full of exciting possiblitiy!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
There are moments I look at our kids and want to scream to my wife, "Noooo! Don't do this to them!!!"
There are moments I think of the OM and my wife and I get enraged and disgusted.
There are times I lament the marriage we never had.
There are times I look at my wife and wonder, "Do I want this woman at all anymore?
There are times I am so hurt and angry by the injustice of it.
There are times I want to hear my wife say, "Hun, I'm so sorry. I know I hurt you tremendously. I don't know what I was thinking, but I was selfish and the affair was wrong. Please forgive me. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life getting you know you better and experiencing joy with you."
This is one of those days when the cup seems half-empty.
Make sure you talk to an attorney BEFORE buying anything if the D isn't final...especially in a community property state...because a lender WON'T let you buy it in your name only...they WILL require a quit claim deed from H because without that it can get sticky on the NEW home being community property because it was aquired DURING the marriage!
You don't want to find the perfect place only to have to let it go because things have heated up and H won't sign the quit claim deed...it is just better for you to be single if you are going to buy your own home...and vice versa...
And this is all assuming that you do get D'ed...I filed twice and got within days of being final...and I am still not D'ed...and at this point in time I don't think I will be...things are looking up after nearly 2 years of HELL....
Lin, Welcome to the "Divorce filed twice, still married and life finally looking better after years of HELL club!!!"
Heartbroken, My good friend bought a condo just months before her divorce was final and her husband wouldn't sign the quit claim deed unless she agreed to give up some of his retirement!! I don't know how that ultimately went. It was an ugly situation. Anyhow, be very careful and don't hesitate to discuss everything with a lawyer first. Also, if your husband makes a great deal more money than you he may be responsible for paying for that lawyer (Hey, I made my husband pay for the best for me!!! Mine was much better than his).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
root...may I call you root (shorter to type then runningoutoftime)...So there is a club for me??? Here I thought I was the ONLY crazy person to have filed twice...and remained married!!!
HB...please please please....get professional advice BEFORE MOVING, BUYING, AND/OR SELLING ANYTHING!!!
Root is actually a better description because I'm no longer running out of time (since the divorce was stopped), and I now feel pretty rooted in who I am and my life.
Actually my husband was the crazy one to file twice.... but I'm the even crazier one to still be here married to him!!! Anyhow, it does seem like my husband and I are finally on a much smoother ride now. Things are well. Little bumps, but we both seem to be able to ride them out much better.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You can still start a new life while leaving the door open a crack. You just have to stop trying to look out that door at him, and convince him to walk in and give it a try. It's open, but he has to WANT to walk through it. It has to be HIS idea. You are not reaching your hand out to pull him in. You are too busy creating a new life for yourself. Focus on that. Definitely live your life like your marriage is over.
ROOT~ once again nails it. So sorry to hear you are feeling down. As hard as it gets take care of you baby,,, you need to just for you. God bless and xoxoxox, Ali
Doing fine. Had IC last night and she too said to just let it go and try to start accepting it. Met H at S(9) baseball game - he had an awsome hit with 3 RBIs and got the game ball, he was the hero of the game! That made our night. It was the first time around H I was not thinking about what to say or do to help him see 'the light'. We talk about non R stuff and it was the most relaxed I have been around him in a long time. What's meant to be is meant to be - still sad at times but not as often or for as long. Baby steps! On my own this weekend - plan to hang out at Borders reading D books and coping!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Please, please, please don't read Divorce or Relationship or Self-Help books. Don't read any books with lists, exercizes or self-inventories. At least not this weekend. You can't "manage" this crisis.
It seems from the little I know of you, a true 180 would be to NOT do research, to NOT try one more coping mechanism. You can't read your way through a divorce
Let go, at least for this weekend.
Read something fun, inspiring or interesting.
Try Anne Lamot's, Plan B, Further Thoughts on Faith.
Well I just feel I need to figure out how to end this as best as possible. Knowledge is power and I like to research things to death unfortunately!
Don't worry Theo I am taking care of myself. I am going through two houses tonight, have had quotes from two mortgage reps in terms of what I can afford on my own - am in good shape (no debt to speak of). I am going to dinner with friends tonight, shop Sat., poolside with GF on Sunday and will start to pack for HH island trip next Saturday with the kids. I am so due for a true vacation! I will check out Lamot's book -thanks!
My new personal fave quote is "There is more in us than we know. If we can be made to see it perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less." --Kurt Hahn
Have a awesome weekend!! HB still taking baby steps but smiling a little more each day!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
