Tam, we haven't heard from you in a while. I hope all is well and you'll be back with us soon. Actually, I hope your H has come back to earth and you never want to hear from any of us again! Either way, I hope you're well, let us know.
Thanks for checking in on me, Whatisis. I have taken the last week or so to do some soul searching and reflecting. You read where I was at right before I came home from our trip. H stayed at our house at least one night before I came home (bed was all messed up, clothes on the floor), but my heart tells me that he stayed with her the other night. I came home Monday night. He stayed with me Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, stayed with me Friday, gone Saturday, has stayed with me Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and tonight this week. He is going out of town early tomorrow morning with a friend for the weekend racing. Curiosity and a sick feeling in my stomach made me go check his car to make sure his racing gear was in there. Thank the Lord it was... I saw his cell phone plugged in in his car as well but knew I couldn't bring myself to check it. It will completely devastate me to see her calling him/him calling her. I just couldn't take that right now. I suspect that that is why he is keeping his phone in his car at nights and not bringing it inside... Well, at least he is trying to spare my feelings, right??? Ugh...
So things have continued to improve I think. He is continuing to stay with me more and more, and I feel us continuing to get closer. But we haven't talked about us/the R/OW at ALL. I know this is a good thing by DB standards... But we are finishing up our big job project we've been working on in which H said in March that we would "see where we are at in our R" when we are done with it and make some decisions from there. In addition, H is working on getting quite a few more projects lined up for "us" to do. There are potentially long-term projects.
I talked with DB coach last week and told her that I felt like we are at a crossroads right now. My heart tells me that this is a good/necessary time to talk to him, and I am so very scared to do so. I don't want to scare him away or back into her arms full-time or, or, or... So many possibilities. DB coach suggested that I write him a letter with some questions that I'm having and tell him that I've done so and that I feel like I need some questions answered from him before I can move forward in our business and with us and to let me know when he is ready to read the letter and to respond. I thought this was a great idea since he is so resistant to talking about us.
I was planning on doing this and got cold feet/started second guessing myself/etc. I now feel like I want to talk with him in person, and at this point that is my plan. We have a business meeting scheduled for next Monday after he gets home. We have talked on multiple more occasions about getting an assistant... We are planning on talking about that at that meeting as well. I don't know how I'm going to approach it or exactly what I'm going to say, but I need to know where he stands and what his thoughts are. I've been really patient and understanding while he has been playing both of us, and while I'm so grateful that he is coming closer to me again, it is absolutely killing me inside to know that he is not 100% committed to us and is still spending some nights with her... By next Monday it will have been about a month and a half since that part of this roller coaster ride started. I have kept my mouth shut about us and have worked really hard to be kind, flirtatious, understanding, and forgiving. If he goes off the deep end for me asking him where we stand and what he is thinking about us, then I guess so be it. I'm not planning on giving him any sort of ultimatum or saying that he needs to completely cut things off with her that second (though I have every right to). I know he won't respond well to that. I know from experience that he needs to do things in his own time and that it has to be HIS idea, not mine, regardless of whether I am right or not. To that end, I have to be careful in the words that I choose and how I approach this. But I feel like now that this current project will be done by then and we are moving towards new projects that this is a good time to check in with him.
He hasn't brought home his toiletries/shaver yet nor his clothes, so I know he is still staying with her. I can't even imagine what is going on between them, what she is thinking, what he is telling her, etc. I try to force those thoughts out of my mind, but it's so hard. Is she now the one desperately grasping for him and wondering where he is at at nights now, or does she even care? Is he telling her that he's taking time away and is now "testing" me to see if he really wants to work on us??? I don't know, and I hate that I can't talk to him about these things and get some sort of feedback/reassurances. AND I am doing exactly that - not talking to him about it. It is what he has asked me to do for now, and I have respected his wishes. Well, now it's time for ME to get what I need for 15 minutes. Is that too much to ask of him? If it is after all I have patiently waited through, then that doesn't say too much about the strength of our bond now does it?
I still realize that there DOES have to come a point where I just put my foot down and say that if he wants to work on us he absolutely has to end it with her completely. But at this point, these baby steps that I have been making appear to be working. So as ridiculous as it sounds, I have to move towards that slowly so that I don't blow everything out of the water... I've worked so hard and been through so much - I don't want to ruin that, as much as it hurts to keep going through this pain. If it makes me a stronger person and a better wife and saves our marriage and makes us closer, it will all have been worth it.
So let me know if you think I'm completely off my rocker for talking with him next week. We'll be having dinner at a public place, which will ensure that I don't "freak show" on him. I'm going to think long and hard over the weekend about what I want to say and how I want to say and how I can say it as briefly as possible and in a nonconfrontational way. The bottom line is that this is a good point in our business for us to part ways if he does not want to continue with our marriage. I simply do not want to continue on in the business with him if we are not going to stay married. And as you know I've told him this, so this should be no shock to him. I'm not asking for a promise that we're going to be together forever. I'm asking for him to tell me that he is committed to giving us the best shot that he can, in whatever time frame he is able to do that. But to continue on like this in silence with him just not coming home a few nights a week just can't continue forever.
Thoughts? As always, I welcome your feedback. You know how much I've been through. The last thing I want to do is to screw it up now...
Tam, it sounds like things are moving in the right direction but my big concern is that you sound so completely tied into his every movement still. You seem to continue to live your life around him, you sound so desperate! I don't mean to sound cruel, but if you don't take care of you, and do it for you, why should he want to come back and do it? Again, stop stalking his every move and credit card receipt, you can't make good decisions from a place of weakness, look to your strengths and the answers will come to you from there. Take care of yourself Tam, and I mean TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! You deserve it.
Whatis is absolutely correct...YOU need to grow and change for the better...but, you put him above yourself...WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! YOU COME FIRST...not him.
Driving at all hours of the night is stalking him...you notice, he's not checking out where you are...he knows, you are waiting for him with arms out open. Mix it up...put up your boundaries...don't be anxious for him to return...plan your life. He has had plenty of time to decide by now...he is stalling. What guy wouldn't want two women to love...it boosts his ego. Do a 180 and try to ignore him...don't react to the crumbs he throws at you...in otherwords, let him beg to win YOU back, not the other way around...he had the affair, not you...get your pride and self-esteem back, Tam, then, he'll be on bended knees. You are making this too easy for him to keep the status quo...
As always, thanks for your feedback, Whatisis and 1210. It is well-taken.
I'm exhausted and am headed off to bed but just wanted to check in and see what you all had to say about what is going on. I also wanted to tell you that....
H told me that he loved me this morning!!!
Before he left for his trip, he was sitting on the bed next to me, and he told me to drive safe and have a nice weekend. And then he said that he loves me! I tried to catch the words coming out of my mouth before they did, but I was too late, as I said "You do?" I know, stupid... It just blurted out. I know I've told you that he has said it a couple of times in passing before but that I thought it may have just been from force of habit... I have never made a big deal of it or said anything about it. Maybe that's why this time I did say something, just to see what he would say... At any rate, I thought that was a big step for us. I certainly didn't say it first to him or ask him anything about it or talk about us or the R or anything whatsoever. We were simply telling each other to have a nice weekend. Anyway, it was really nice and made me feel really good.
Am off to my parent's house this weekend for Father's Day. Am looking forward to it. I have a massage and dinner scheduled with a friend next Thursday. And then next weekend we are going to H's family's cabin for the weekend to celebrate Father's Day with his dad and family.
I have been getting caught up a little more with work stuff. I still have lots to do but am making some headway, which feels great.
Anyway, I will write more later but just wanted to check in. At this point I am still planning on talking with H on Monday at our meeting. I'm scared but feel it's the right time to do it.
Hi Tam - looks like things are going well for you. Excellent progress.
The difference between a letter and a conversation is that he can chose when to read a letter and when to reply - but in a conversation he might not have the time or the capacity to answer you honestly.
In the past when you've had these conversations he's claimed that you 'out-talk' him. So, I guess if you do it in a talk, be mindful of that old behaviour. In the past he has said what he thinks you want to hear, then his actions fail to back it up.
Also think about what you want out of the conversation - what are your objectives for the meeting?
You say that you aren't going to demand that he stop all contact with OW immediately - so what sort of response from him will satisfy you?
Quote:
but I need to know where he stands and what his thoughts are.
about what? In a conversation he is likely to tell you that he hasn't given up on your relationship and he wants to go forward with the business - you know that, because that's what he said when he was much further away from you than he is now. So is that going to be enough for you?
I totally understand why you want to have the conversation - lord knows I would too - but really ask yourself if it's going to take you closer to your goal or away from it.
These 'talks' are one of the things that got you into this mess to start with - and since you've stopped them there has been real progress towards reconciliation. Ask yourself why writing a letter won't satisfy you - if nothing else I think writing a letter might be a good discipline on you for you to really clarify what it is you are seeking from him. It may also be an unconfrontational way for you to make your case firmly and sincerely to him about what you are going through and why you are don't want to live like this forever.
I really think in a conversation you will get his reassurance - but reassurance without action (or a commitment to action) isn't worth much.
It's really hard. I wish you weren't going through this. If you have the convo, just remember to keep it together and use your new skills to listen rather than lecture. If you write a letter, give yourself plenty of time to figure out what you want from him and then write it down plain and simple.
Good luck. You are doing an amazing job. Well done.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Quick, before things change! Go to Frederick's of Hollywood or at least Victoria's Secret and buy yourself some really sexy lingerie. Something with the split thong panties. Make love to him in the way she can't. You are in a great position if he is making love to you. Use it don't lose it!
I think if you are planning on the convo maybe you could write down what you want to say to organize your thoughts completely. Then when you do talk to him you can stick to what you write mentally and give him time to answer and reflect.
Since one of his issues has been "relationship talks" I would avoid the one-on-one that will make him want to run...also, since you have problems with "questioning to death" if you put it in writing...and ask that he reply via letter or email this will help you avoid doing that...I know because I was a questioner, remember?...when my H and I started communicating through email it was much more controled...when you spring "a talk" on someone who really doesn't like confrontation and relationship talk...well you are going to get responses that 1) you don't want to hear 2) aren't honest or 3) a combination of 1 and 2...
If you do decide to write I would suggest starting out by complimenting and commending on ALL of his improvements...show him you have taken notice...don't worry about pointing out your own he has seen them and is responding...after you have done this and emotionally pumped him up a little you can let some air out, so to speak, by giving him some of the things that are really really eating at you...make sure and use "I" statements so it doesn't sound totally like you are blaming him for all of your feelings...but give him the responsibility of knowing what his actions are doing to you...then let it go and wait...
I also am concerned about where you are placing yourself in all of this though...still revolving around H...even though you have friends, go do things, it still seems that if H wants time with you that you are always available...or will be there soon (I think I read once that you didn't rush home but did come home to find him there)
Also, with these insecurities you are falling back into the snooping and wanting to snoop habits...please be careful of this...he feels your neediness whether you display it in form or not...sometimes being our "firty sexy self" can still send this message to them that we are eager for their attention...or worse vying for his attention...
It is improvement that he is spending more time with you but my concern is your reaction to this...be careful with yourself...don't allow yourself to become totally tied up in him emotionally...because you are the one that suffers for it as he obviously isn't so emotionally tied in either you or OW which allows him to live his double life with ease...
