Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[sage]

First off, Pam, thanks for the birthday wishes! It was a really nice day -- I took it off from work and really pampered myself with time alone and fun things.

"One thing I'm finding is that this phase in my life is resulting in me being mad as hell about crap that happened years and years ago...well before we rebuilt our marriage. Yes, I'm finding myself mired in thoughts about xow and the crap that h put us through."

Why? What is the same now as what was going on then? Something in your lives is triggering this stuff. Can you identify it?

I've been thinking about this all week. My first thought is akin to something I read in "Oprah" (gotta give credit where credit is due!) -- that I'm feeling "overextended and underappreciated" -- I guess that sort of sums it up at the highest level. When the bomb hit, h was obviously pretty absent from our "life" together -- when he was "around", it was Mr judgement and angry man that showed up, not Mr. helpful and what can I do to ease your burden -- earlier this week I would have said it was primarily Mr unhelpful that was here but he's been joined by mr. angry and muttering under his breath. So, that's supremely annoying and reminiscent of how it was -- he's just irked and distant and annoyed and holier than thou. Blech.

So, I'm still feeling as though I'm doing 90% of the work for our lives and getting, seriously, no acknowledgement for it. I thank him for every f*&^*)( thing that he does and he barely responds to whatever I'm doing except to criticize or roll his eyes or just be an A$$.

Part of me feels like it's me and Charlotte against the world but tonight when I was putting her to bed, I looked down at her sleepy face and made a promise that I would try to fix this -- I'm angry and tired and just demoralized beyond words but I will try to fix this. I gotta clean my crap up -- same as I did before -- and just let things fall where they may. I want to feel as though I did what I could.

What's bugging h? where to start?

1. He's irked by the messiness of the house

2. He's irked by not having enough time together/time to relax.

3. He feels that Charlotte has the run of the house.

That's where I'll start.

One thing I can do TODAY is to shut the hell up. If I go back to saying 50% of what I want to say I know I'll hear more....plus I'll conserve energy.

I intend to be back tomorrow. Really.

Sage

PS H is going away next week for training so it's a good time for me to get my head screwed on straight.